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I've been really hurt.. How do I get back to feeling like I did before..?

Started by eggy_nog, April 06, 2015, 09:35:37 AM

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eggy_nog

I know I'm so lucky given my situation. For the most part my family is so amazingly accepting and great with my transition (am now a year and a few months on hrt). I can 100% pass. I have a lovely girlfriend.

But after an incident with a family 'friend', who made claims that whatever I do I. Can never be a real woman, it makes me feel horrible. I mean is this person right? I know socially I can and 100% am female, and nothing else. But biologically, or anything aside socially - Am I female in that regard? Can anybody see my body who knows about me and really feel my body is a female one and not an altered male one? Can I ever be 100% truly a female in all regards?

Before I felt I was. I'm on hormones, and I have my outpatient appointment for surgery soon, which I'm desperate to have. But I feel this has set me back and I want to know or have some advice on how to get back to how I felt before.. Or if there's a healthier way of dealing with this.

Like I said before I know I'm really lucky to have what I do have, and I really don't mean for this to be a post disregarding the good things in my life that I'm lucky enough to have that others may not.

Any advice/words of support/anything kind would be appreciated..

Thank you
Xxx






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ImagineKate

Don't let 'em win. You are a real woman! You identify as one. Physical things? I truly believe that in the not too distant future everything will be in place for trans women to experience everything that cis women experience including pregnancy and periods. After having gone through fertility treatment with my wife I can believe it.

And strictly scientifically speaking no one is 100% male or 100% female.

And truth be told your "friend" is probably jealous.
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Rejennyrated

My advice as an ultra longterm post everything is to try and get past words like "genuine" and "man" and "woman" and instead concentrate on being authetically yourself.

I am me - I cannot be, or indeed know what it might be like to be, anyone else. Nor do I want to. Therefore comparison is both invidious and pointless.

My basis for everything I did (including surgery) was not that it would make me this or that, but that it allowed me to express more authentically who I am. That I believe is the secret of success, and longterm happiness. Learn who you are, learn to love that person, and then take any steps that are both necessary and practical to best express that person.
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sam1234

I'd say your "family friend" should keep her mouth shut about things of which she knows nothing about. You will always run into people who can't or won't accept the fact that you can be one gender and have another gender's body. They have no experience, no basis other than their own biggatry to say something like that.

If you run into that person again, avoid any conversations pertaining to gender, and if she brings it up, either completely ignore it or ask her to keep her ignorance to herself. (That second one should probably be avoided as it may cause problems), its just hard not to want to say something back.

If you are a woman, then you are a woman, regardless of what your body is trying to tell you. Even if your family friend thinks that you never will be, it takes a pretty thoughtless person to make a remark like that. It should give you an idea of the kind of person she is.

sam1234



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awilliams1701

Just because we can't have kids in the normal way doesn't make us any less of a woman than anyone else. You're going to encounter crap like that for sure. The rest of my life prepared me to be used to hearing crap from others and just saying you know what? I don't give a crap. This is who I am take it or leave it and your opinion doesn't even matter to me.
Ashley
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Eva

QuoteCan I ever be 100% truly a female in all regards?

No I wish I could be but I cant change the past... Im about 3 months behind you and I also feel very fortunate to have the complete acceptance and support from all of my family except for one brother...

Id say look at it this way, your still just getting started and it sounds like your off to a very nice start ;)

Just think about how much better it gets from here, the hardest part is behind you... It should only get easier and better as you move along... Your not even done seeing the wonderful feminization from HRT yet ;)  Really can you think of a harder thing to do that to have a "sex change"??? I try to remind myself that this will take a LONG time and there's no sense dwelling on the past and things I cant change... What can you do to make yourself happier tomorrow is a good question... I might never be 100% female but I will be 100% real and just try to surround myself with positive people that truly respect me for me and who I can give the same... To those I must deal with who would question my very identity I wont waste much time or effort trying to make them understand me....

I just try to keep in mind that in time it will just become more and more ridiculous for anyone to suggest Im not really a woman, including myself ;)  Im certainly never looking back and I have a lot of life left to live and improve myself.... I like to think I am what I say I am and nobody can take away my identity... To those that would try I might ask if they are really who they say they are??? Are you for real or just living a lie??? I know Im not ;)

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Mariah

It's pretty well been covered, but I completely agree your just as much a woman as anyone else. Just because can't bare kids doesn't make us any less than the rest. How you feel on the inside is what matters. So don't listen to those who are giving you a hard time and making feel like your less than because your not. We are all woman regardless of the journey we have taken.
Mariah
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.
[email]mariahsusans.orgstaff@yahoo.com[/email]
I am also spouse of a transgender person.
Retired News Administrator
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HeyTrace19

I feel it is helpful to spend more time with the people who truly see you...  Surrounding yourself with those who affirm your identity can help you get that little bit of confidence back.  Give it time, you will feel good again...and your sails will also likely be deflated again sometime in the future, but such is life!  Resilience is an important skill to develop.  I am sure you are a great lady.

 
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Rachel

You are probably prettier than she is and she is jealous.

Surround yourself with supportive people and keep away from the jerks.
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suzifrommd

Quote from: eggy_nog on April 06, 2015, 09:35:37 AM
Can I ever be 100% truly a female in all regards?

Yes, and no.

No, your experience will never be "typical". You'll never just be like any other women. There are too many differences.

But, yes, you are real, and you are a woman.

That makes you a real woman.

You are feminine in the way you want to be feminine, you are living the life of a woman, and you see yourself as one. That is all you need. That is enough. There is no entrance exam, no flunking womanhood, no bouncer at the door to throw you out. There is only you and who you know you are. That's all that's important.

I don't completely feel like a woman. That's just how I experience my gender identity. But I am as much a woman as any other, because that is the side of the binary divide on which I've chosen to live.

My therapist has many times steered me away from asking questions like "am I completely a woman" and instead focused me on how I want to live.

Hugs, girl. Enjoy womanhood. It is 100% yours.
Have you read my short story The Eve of Triumph?
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Deinewelt

It isn't easy to change the minds of ignorant people who refuse to accept the concept that one's identity is not the same as their assigned biological sex.  However, it shouldn't be difficult to make up your own mind, and that is what is really important.  The truth is that one's identity on the inside is far more important than the outside, and people should be empowered to express themselves in the ways that they see fit as opposed to being forced to be something they are clearly not on the inside.

Transitioning brings our physical appearance and biological nature extremely close to our desired sex.  Basically, science has revealed that all secondary sex characteristics are hormone driven; therefore, the only things that make us different from biological woman is that we can't give birth (yet) and that we manage our hormone levels medicinally.  Once you are on hormones for long enough, pretty much everything in there will function the same as a female.

Nobody is required by the laws governing the universe to reflect on the inside a mirror image of the things that we do not have the power to change.  Because of this fact, people for ages have expressed themselves and have made progress.  Now we live in a unique and wonderful time where we are empowered to do this legitimately within society.  People who don't understand will attempt to invalidate this, but never let this get to you in such a way that you allow it to invalidate yourself.  Nobody would so strongly wish to be something as we must, with all that we go through, if they were not, at least mostly, women on the inside.
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sam1234

The idea of not being a real woman extends beyond the transgender world. There are women who feel that if they cannot have children of their own, they aren't women. There are husbands who have left their wives (both cis), because the wife had to have a mastectomy and isn't a "complete" woman anymore. They sound a little different, but its not just specific to the trans world.

Considering the loss of body parts between disease and injuries in the cis world, you would think that people would realize that it isn't the body that makes a person a man or a woman. The issue is far too complicated for that. In a lot of ways, you are more of a woman than the lady who made the comment. You've had to prove your gender, go through things both physical and mental that she probably couldn't even begin to comprehend. So yes, you are 100% Woman and someone telling you different is not going to change that. Ever.

sam1234
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DelKay

If someone thinks gender is really all about your private parts then I think that someone is very immature don't you think?
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katrinaw

Hi Eggy-nog,

Firstly that was very inconsiderate of your "friend" in my book!

However, I don't know your age, but I am guessing your body had not been "traumatised" with years of Testesterone, especially being able to pass100%.

So as Kate stated what is 100% woman or man...

Today with surgeries anything, can be achieved, Gender has 2 parts, the physical aspects (operable), the other part is the brain and how it's wired, not operable.... But hey you are 100% woman...

Don't let the remarks of a person that possibly did not put brain into gear before talking, and probably may not have understood the context... You are a woman and feel at one with yourself, don't get derailed from your desires, they will carry you through to a full life of being you  :-*

L Katy

Long term MTF in transition... HRT since ~ 2003...
Journey recommenced Sept 2015  :eusa_clap:... planning FT 2016  :eusa_pray:

Randomly changing 'Katy PIC's'

Live life, embrace life and love life xxx
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Zoetrope

I'll throw another angle out there.

I am not out to convert anyone to believing in transsexualism. If someone disagrees, that is for them, it is not my battle.

What I can and have done, though - over time - is challenge and question my own feelings.
---

To a degree I went into transition hoping it would make me '100%'.

But that line of thinking did me a lot more harm than good.

See, I have a long history. Old-me also went through many stages and changes. Old-me was not locked into any one identity for an overly long period of time.

So the idea of being '100% female' came into direct conflict with me being honest with myself. Honest not just about where I would like to be - but where I have been.

'Who' I am is a cumulative thing. It is an ongoing work in progress. I am *all* of the things I have ever been - not just who and what I am now.
---

I realised that aspiring to be 100% was just going from one extreme to another. It was an ideal - a strong one. But was it something real? In my case, no. I was looking so far into the future, that yet again I was losing touch with the present.

Once I realised that the idea of being 100% was making me suffer, I rejected it.

I am now peacefully and happily transsexual. I am an open book. I never plan to hide my past. What good would it do me? It would be like carrying a skeleton in my closet all over again. I went into this with the express purpose of *emptying* the closet!
---

So, what I'm daring to venture is that - if a heavy investment in being 100% is causing one grief - maybe it is not the best approach.

Just be you. Love who you are and what you are. Be proud of the steps you have taken to find an authentic self. Put 100% into *that*.

Life becomes so much more fulfilling and real, when we question and triumph over internal conflict.
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Cindy

This may be an inappropriate post but I will go ahead.

My sister in law does not accept me and finds ways of using wrong pronouns etc.

It upset me.

I was talking to my boyfriend about it.

He gave another perspective.

'You are 5' 7" 60 kilos, successful, have friends and people respect you. You have faced demons that others can never see. You have ripped your body from the grave and now love life.
She is lost, has few friends and has never tackled her life issues.

It is called jealousy.

Ignore it. You are a stronger woman than she is and she is just jealous.'

So I got over it and I walk my own path. I still feel pain but I can deal with it with sympathy for those who haven't walked my path.
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eggy_nog

You are all so wonderful :) thanks so much for all your support and advice - I feel so much better :)))






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April_TO

Babe you are 100% woman. No need to pass coz you're just a woman period.
Even if someone rejects it, its their projection of ignorance on you. xoxo

Quote from: eggy_nog on April 08, 2015, 04:39:20 PM
You are all so wonderful :) thanks so much for all your support and advice - I feel so much better :)))
Nothing ventured nothing gained
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