Not sure how to process this from my daughter

[ChiGirl]

This could be triggering for some.  It was for me.

My wife has become very supportive of my gender dysphoria and desire to transition.  Our 14 year old daughter is less sure and I get that.   She's going through her own changes, a girl becoming a woman.  But now her dad wants to "become a woman?"  So I totally get her confusion, but that didn't make this next part any easier to process.

Last night, my wife told me about how our daughter broke down and feels like that dad is mocking women by "acting" like one and real women don't wear clothes like that (which is odd, because I haven't dressed in front of her).  And of course I'll never really be a woman. 

I know she's 14, but this hurt because I've heard it from other people and the concept of me never being a real woman has always been a triggering idea.  I'm scared that I'll never be accepted as a woman, period.  So my daughter saying it just really hit me.

She also told my wife that mom is bring too supportive of me.  Basically, you're letting dad get what he wants despite the fact that it's hurting the family.  My wife doesn't feel that way. She wants us to be together, so she wants to incorporate this part of me into our life.  Clearly my daughter doesn't. 

I'm going to discuss this with my therapist tomorrow, but it's still bugging me.  Any thoughts?

[CaptFido87]

What I think will be the best solution is have a one on one convo with her. Clearly both of you have stuff on your mind that needs discussing. take her out for lunch or maybe coffee and just talk. See where she's coming from. Yea like you said it's hard for her to see where and why you are doing this. Someone you've known your whole life is now suddenly becoming a different person.  Very hard concept indeed. Maybe even take her shopping. Feelings are what you need to confess with each other.

[Rejennyrated]

I answered a similar question in another thread. In some ways I will admit my answer may not help immediately, but it is a philosophy that if adopted will help in the long run, because it represents a shifting of emphasis away from comparisons and no-win arguments in favour of a motivation that no one can criticise or contradict.

So here is my repeated advice...  as an ultra longterm post everything I would recommend you try and get past words like "genuine" and "man" and "woman" and instead concentrate on being authetically yourself, because if you motive is to be fully "you" then no one but you gets to validate or invalidate that.

I am me - I cannot be, or indeed know what it might be like to be, anyone else. Nor do I want to. Therefore comparison is both invidious and pointless.

My basis for everything I did (including surgery) was not that it would make me this or that, but that it allowed me to express more authentically who I am. That I believe is the secret of success, and longterm happiness. Learn who you are, learn to love that person, and then take any steps that are both necessary and practical to best express that person.

Once you do that you will cease to care so much what others may think. I hope people see me as a woman, but I can't control whether or not they do, so I won't try. I did this ultimately because it made me feel authentically myself, so their opinion really isn't that important, and generally once people realise that fact they stop trying to use their opinion as a weapon to hurt you.

I can see that you fully understand your daughter's anxiety, and really what she is doing is no more than trying to dump the pain she feels back into your lap. However that can only work while your motivation includes winning external approval. Once it no longer does, you become much more difficult to hurt. I don't like being hurt, so I learned to shift my paradigm...

I hope that thought at least helps you a little. It's not easy in those early days it has to be said. It's easy for me to sit here being philosophical after spending most of my life in female role one way or another, but at least I offer you this. If you can manage that head shift, it does get better.

[Ms Grace]

Sounds like she hasn't met the real you yet. She hasn't seen you present as female so she is letting her mind run to all the worst possible conclusions and stereotypes. She needs to have those fears assuaged. Time for her to meet you...

She is also probably afraid of losing her "father" and what you represented for her in that role. At that age she would be wanting to be able to fit in with her peer group and may feel that the slightest "anomaly" in her private life and family will see her ostracised.

Teens are very complex, it's great she's talking to your wife but even so is unlikely to express all her fears and concerns and anger. She should be encouraged to bring them to you, just be prepared for some hurtful things to be said. Listen but don't react. Don't try to offer solutions unless she asks for them specifically. Reassure her that you still love her.

All the best..

[Laura_7]

First, have a *hug*

The following resources might help:

you could look up the genderbread person. The differences between gender identity, gender expression, attraction etc are explained there.
You can click on the picture and watch it zoomed to read the smaller prints.

And you might look up a brochure for the british NHS called "doh-transgender-experiences.pdf" . Only thing I would disagree with is page 7, where they state stress, instead many experience relief.
It states that being trans has biological connections, which is imo socially a bit better acceptable.
And it explains some of the feelings transgender people have.

Well its up to you what you say... you might think about showing...

Well all of this is not explained in school... yet...

And you might ask her if she got the idea from someone else... its possible children talk amongst each other, and there are some of them who are just a bit too talkative in some way... you might explain to her and reassure her.


hugs

[Mariah]

I agree with what the others have said. It's time she meets the real you and I think one of her remarks makes that really clear. Good Luck and Hugs
Mariah

[Rachel]

I have a 17 year old daughter. She is very angry about my transition.

My wife says she is a 17 year old and dealing with a lot and want things ( me) to remain the same. She is dealing with peer pressure and her own image at the same time I want to be myself.

My wife says for me to act like an adult and not respond to her outbursts and hurtful dialogue. I have realized when she acts out she is expressing how she feels and I do not need to feed into it. I just need to remain calm and stay the coarse. Hopefully, someday she will accept me.

It if difficult sometimes and she has so much anger. I guess it is better out than in.

She has uninvited me from her softball games and graduation. Our relationship is strained at times.

She will be going to an inner city University 2 blocks from my work in the fall. She will be studying Nursing. I hope she learns that people are people and who cares the wrapper. It is what is inside that counts.

[ChiGirl]

I've been writing this letter to her.  I started a while back, but last night (along with everyone's thoughts) gave me the impetuous to finish it.  What do you think?

Dear Xxxx,

   I am writing you this letter because I want to express some things to you that are difficult to do in person. 

   First and most important, I love you.  I have loved you from the moment your mom knew she was pregnant with you, to holding you in my arms, to taking you to your first day of school, all the way to today.  And I always will love you.  No matter what happens I will always love you.  You are the greatest part of my life. 

   Second, I will always be your father.  I will be the same person I have always been, but hopefully more content and happier because I will be true to myself.  When the time comes, you can call me whatever you feel most comfortable with: Dad, Daddy, or whatever else we think is appropriate.

   Third, this does not reflect on you or your mother.  This didn't happen because you or mom did something wrong.  This is how I have always been, but during college, I went into a state of deep denial and repression.  I wanted to try and be the man that society expected me to be.  I didn't want to talk about my gender issues because, at that time, I truly believed they were part of my past.  I tried to be a man, a husband, and a father, when I didn't feel I could.  Being a father was the closest I got to doing a good job, at least I hope.  You can be the judge of that someday.

   This is who I am.  I tried to ignore and hide it and pretend it wasn't the cause of my depression.  But, in the end, it was.  Yes, I was suicidal and you saw that.  I am sorry.  I couldn't stand who I was, but I kept going because I couldn't bear to do that to you or your mother.  You deserve a better legacy than that. 

   Fourth, you can ask me anything.  I know you've been afraid because you don't want to offend me or worse, you don't want to see me get mad and go off.  I don't blame you.  I've done some pretty scary things.  But things are different now.  They're better.  Maybe not perfect, but better. 

Finally, I will be making a lot of changes in the next few years, and yes, eventually, I will be living full-time as a woman.  I know that's scary and maybe even a little weird.   This is who I am and who I've always been.  It's not about pretending to be a woman.  It's about being myself and presenting to the world how I feel I am inside.  I know I will be making mistakes along the way and I will be learning.  I want both you and Mom to give me your feedback. 

The point of all of this is for me to be true to myself.  I hope that you see I've been a better person since I told you and mom back in January.  I would like for us to sit down and talk about this as much or little as you want.  Please let me know when you are ready.  I will always be here for you.

                  Dad

[Mariah]

ChiGirl, Beautiful letter. One thing I would consider changing is the feedback part. Something to the extent of where it makes the point that it would be nice, greatly appreciated, extremely helpful or whatever you feel is the better way to say it, but something allows her to know that giving feedback and input to help you when it comes to certain things is an option if and when both your wife and daughter are ready. I feel that want might seem a bit forceful at this stage. This way instead it lets them know you want to do it right and that there help would be something that would be greatly beneficial for all of you. Good luck and hugs.
Mariah

I've been writing this letter to her.  I started a while back, but last night (along with everyone's thoughts) gave me the impetuous to finish it.  What do you think?

Dear Xxxx,

   I am writing you this letter because I want to express some things to you that are difficult to do in person. 

   First and most important, I love you.  I have loved you from the moment your mom knew she was pregnant with you, to holding you in my arms, to taking you to your first day of school, all the way to today.  And I always will love you.  No matter what happens I will always love you.  You are the greatest part of my life. 

   Second, I will always be your father.  I will be the same person I have always been, but hopefully more content and happier because I will be true to myself.  When the time comes, you can call me whatever you feel most comfortable with: Dad, Daddy, or whatever else we think is appropriate.

   Third, this does not reflect on you or your mother.  This didn't happen because you or mom did something wrong.  This is how I have always been, but during college, I went into a state of deep denial and repression.  I wanted to try and be the man that society expected me to be.  I didn't want to talk about my gender issues because, at that time, I truly believed they were part of my past.  I tried to be a man, a husband, and a father, when I didn't feel I could.  Being a father was the closest I got to doing a good job, at least I hope.  You can be the judge of that someday.

   This is who I am.  I tried to ignore and hide it and pretend it wasn't the cause of my depression.  But, in the end, it was.  Yes, I was suicidal and you saw that.  I am sorry.  I couldn't stand who I was, but I kept going because I couldn't bear to do that to you or your mother.  You deserve a better legacy than that. 

   Fourth, you can ask me anything.  I know you've been afraid because you don't want to offend me or worse, you don't want to see me get mad and go off.  I don't blame you.  I've done some pretty scary things.  But things are different now.  They're better.  Maybe not perfect, but better. 

Finally, I will be making a lot of changes in the next few years, and yes, eventually, I will be living full-time as a woman.  I know that's scary and maybe even a little weird.   This is who I am and who I've always been.  It's not about pretending to be a woman.  It's about being myself and presenting to the world how I feel I am inside.  I know I will be making mistakes along the way and I will be learning.  I want both you and Mom to give me your feedback. 

The point of all of this is for me to be true to myself.  I hope that you see I've been a better person since I told you and mom back in January.  I would like for us to sit down and talk about this as much or little as you want.  Please let me know when you are ready.  I will always be here for you.

                  Dad

[Ms Grace]

Nice letter, I hope it helps. I hate to  labour the point but she should meet the real you as soon as possible, as soon as you feel up to it because until that happens it is going to seem like fiction to her.

[JoanneB]

Little girls adore their dads like little boys adore their moms. Throw in raging teenage hormones and you got a handfull.

Yes, her imagination has gone off into Jerry SpringerVille. Or else she has no idea that you are not present on purpose around the house and figures your just saying "I am a woman" and that is all you plan on doing. A good talk is a bare minimum needed

[Laura_7]

Well its up to you what you say since you know them best...
this is what I personally would do:

You are the greatest part of my life. 
I would like to have this in a way so we all can have a great time together.


I will be the same person I have always been, but hopefully more content and happier because I will be true to myself.

I will be basically the same person, with the same sense of humour etc, like a female twin, but hopefully more content and happier because I will be true to myself.

I would add something saying that it has biological connections, to do with development before birth which influences the sense of self.
So its not a light hearted decision but how you feel, and there are many feeling this way. Its not their fault nor their parents, its just how it is and who they truly are. People feel a relief if they can express themselves accordingly.

-> I would add something along the lines because cis people often can not relate as easily.



hugs

[cindy16]

ChiGirl, sorry to hear about what you are going through. I think you have already drafted a beautiful letter, and I hope it makes things better between you and your daughter.

In addition to all the good advice that others have given, especially Ms Grace's point that your daughter needs to meet the real you, I would also add that your daughter may have valid concerns even if the words she chooses to express them are wrong. First of all, it can be weird to see someone so close to you change so drastically, as you have also acknowledged in your letter. Even if you begin to 'pass' to everyone else, those close to you will still see your old features more easily and more often and may have a hard time reconciling this mental image with the reality of your new presentation and appearance.

Also, sometimes we as trans women do act differently than cis women, whether it is clothes, makeup, hair, posture, mannerisms etc. We might overdo it or not act our age or something, and that could seem even more weird. We know it is a learning curve, but cis people tend to look at it more negatively. I am not saying you might have done any of it. In fact, if you haven't been in female clothing around her, it is not your actions, but ideas or stereotypes she may be picking up from elsewhere which are driving her concerns. It need not be extreme Jerry Springer type stuff, but even more mundane images of trans women could make your daughter think this way. In fact, as you go further in your transition and even if she meets the real you, she may still have these concerns.

What you can and should ask her for, though, is that she shares these concerns with you directly and in the form of constructive feedback. That will help you, and also help her realize the difference between her real and imagined concerns.