from shy, to scared, to hateful... anyone else?

[Joca]

First of all, I'm sorry if it's in the wrong place, but I just don't know were to put it :/
Anyway...

Few years ago, it was very clear that I was very shy. I didn't stated a conversation but would feel very happy when someone talked to me and I would do my best to keep the conversation going. I wanted contact but was afraid to start it.
Time passed and I had a little taste of how people could be mean. It caused me to be afraid of people, and it took a awhile for me to trust someone, but it was possible. After some time, I relaxed again and interacted in a reserved but normal way.
Time passed again and I had some bad experiences with people again. The last time I decided that enough was enough because I thought the said person liked me and was trustworthy. Turns out that I was just used, backstabbed and used as scapegoat, which caused some people (few of I was very found of) to have some sort of dislike towards me. I got rather attached to this person (a little too much, I must admit) because when I had a bad breakup, there the person was.
After that I increasingly became hateful towards people. When anyone talks to me, I can't help but give them a angry stare. At my course (dunno if it is the right word) I just put my headphones, lower my head and ignore everyone.

I never was very social but I would at least try, now I would punch anyone who says "good morning". It got so bad that i managed to make a girl get away from me when I sat by her side due constantly ignoring her (and being very rude every single time she said anything) after she did a few things I disliked. I also ignore the girls I used to talk to, now I just come in silence and leave quietly, not even talking to the teachers.

I really HATE (and I mean it) when people try to be kind to me, I always think they want something or are just forcibly faking it. I literally have to hold myself from punching them. I have no friends now, and hope it stays like this forever. I don't miss talking to people personally.

It's easier online through. I relax more and i just feel shy when talking to people online. Maybe it's the possibility of staying anonymous or something. It's... Kind of okay talking online. I feel safer. Even though it's very hard talking to people again, I know it's no good keeping everyone so away from me.
On the other hand, I don't want to give anyone another chance to hurt me, they had too many already.
What worries me more is that I have recurring thoughts of being physically aggressive towards them. They are getting more and more intense.

Yes, I (think) I will be able to se a psychologist soon, hopefully. I just wanted to ask if anyone went through this shy to extremely anti social (to the point of being hateful). I know many people went through worst. WAY worst. It makes me feel kinda ashamed for snapping so much for so little. I didn't even had any major trauma. But I just don't know what to expect from now on, or how worst it might get.

Honestly... I'm scared.

[emyrinth]

First thing. "Major" trauma is not necessary for PTSD and PTSD is not limited to soldiers in combat zones.  It is literally your reaction to being in any stressful and therefore traumatic situation. You judge your own trauma as being lesser than others but to you it was not lesser. You sound like a pretty extreme introvert (nothing wrong with that) which means that you experience a great deal of social anxiety and having that anxiety justified at any point and in your (and my) case repeatedly can and does lead to real actual trauma and the subsequent issues that make life even more interesting in the future.  You said you were planning on going to a shrink and that is the best advice that anyone can possibly give you.  Talk to a professional and try to be open and forthcoming. Fact is that we all need someone to talk to to give us advice and help us work thing sout and a lot of times a therapist really is the best option. A good therapist can help you to find the balance that is right for you and help you find coping mechanisms for when you do have to deal with people.

[Joca]

That makes sense even though I still think that "trauma" is a heavy word to use... I feel like I'm sort of... Dishonoring those who went through worst :/
Still, it was a good info, thanks!

And I can't go to a therapist, unfortunately. The public health system doesn't offer them, and from my experience with psychologists, they just make a diagnostic, say a word or two and if it is too bad, they send you to a psychiatrist to be medicated, which I think will be the case. It might help, though.
But going once a week/month to a therapist and talking is not viable to me :/