Straight Female, with FTM SO. Sexuality Question?

[Someone190]

Hello,

  I have never had a problem with the transgender community. In fact, I loved them! But I never did expect to fall for one. Me and my FTM partner have been dating for awhile now, and he has just started on T about a week ago, so he is still new to this. Our life is amazing and we get along very well.

But ever since I started hanging around his family and friends, things can get a bit awkward for me. Everyone thinks I'm lesbian! His mom is constantly telling me "Is it weird knowing you're a lesbian?" and all of his other lesbian friends are now starting to see me as one. And normally, I wouldn't care what others think. But it gets awkward being called a lesbian in public and around everyone. Just because I'm so used to being 100% straight and always with a male. And I understand that he is IN FACT a male. But his family still called him "her" and some of his friends call him "Her" so now I am just very uncomfortable with the fact of everything thinking I'm with a female. And it really does bother me. I get a little freaked out when his family and friends call him Female.

How can I deal with this? This is my first relationship with a FTM. I had no idea it would be this confusing. I'm also nervous for sex. He wears a prosthetic. I'm scared I will see a womens body during sex and get a little turned-off. It's not that I'm against lesbians, I just DO NOT find women attractive, so when people are calling me a lesbian I get a bit confused? Am I? I'm technically with a male?

I love him to death and he is amazing, it's just all the things around us. I want to be with him.

Please help me out I feel very alone in this.

Thanks!

[Emily1996]

Did he get the top surgery? Does he work out? If he just started with T I'm not sure since actually I'm a MTF so yeah XD wait for one of the guys here to respond, but maybe go to a pool or something, and see him with his swim undewear suit whatever XD Then if he is gonna wear the thing I don't thing you'll be able to see the vagina XD so don't worry about that... And if he didn't get the top surgery maybe he wear something to not show them and he's proably not going to take off his shirt to be comfortable, just make it comfortable with him, maybe discuss it with him so you know what he is ok with and stuff like that....

[dalebert]

I'm male but I consider myself 100% gay so I feel like I can relate somewhat. I have often been attracted to trans men. Some of these questions depend completely on you. For instance, it's rare that I'm attracted to someone pre-T. It has happened in cases when a guy already looks very boyish but it's rare. I wish I didn't care, but I do. As far as sex issues go, it all depends on what works for you. I know that my orientation is very strong and so things like top surgery would be an issue for me. It may not be for you. Bottom stuph is not an issue for me. It may be for you.

As for people not acknowledging his correct gender, maybe you should talk to him about what his plans are as far as coming out to friends and family and decide if that time-frame is something you are okay with. You're actually ahead of me in one way. I've never actually dated a trans man.

[campenella]

You are with a man, you aren't a lesbian. If your partner hasn't really come out to his family or they don't really regard him as a man, that's  not really your or his fault. Since he's just starting out on T and socially transitioning, they might not understand that you too are in a straight relationship.  It does sort of sound like they are trying to use the birth sex argument on why they would call you lesbians or still use female pronouns.It will definitely take adjustment on both of your parts because his family/friends have to learn to use the right pronouns etc. My idea is just be firm about it and whenever they say 'Well are you and x lesbians tho, she--' you can go 'No, I'm straight. He is my boyfriend.' Don't let them lead you into arguments about it with technicalities about it. If they start to argue just give short unsatisfactory answers. 'Technically..." "Alright."

About sex: If he's pre top surgey and just got on hormones I really can't tell you how you're going to feel right this second, but if you guys wait until top surgery and you're still looking for feminine things/worried about the prosthetic then it's not really fair to him. Talk to him about sex and ask what he'd like to do, take it slow and see how you feel. Be fair to him and ask him about his choices during transitioning along the way.  Have the big talks about kids/surgery/family etc now because you can see what you can handle and not.

[Catspit]

This is a really complicated issue, one I've thought about a bit since I'm a non-transitioning (currently, anyway) FtM and my girlfriend is nonbinary. We look like a lesbian couple, and there's not a lot I can do about that, since I don't pass for ->-bleeped-<-. It doesn't bother her since she's not straight, but I can see where it would be incredibly confusing for someone who is.

If you're attracted to men and male bodies, you're not a lesbian - because the definition of "lesbian" is "a woman who is exclusively attracted to other women." So your question shouldn't be "am I a lesbian?" but rather "am I straight?" - also keep in mind that sexuality isn't written in stone, and the labels that fit you best may change over the course of your life, as you learn new terms and learn more about yourself.

I don't know if you're familiar with the concept of romantic attraction vs. sexual attraction, but that might explain what's going on here. Basically, everyone has both a romantic orientation (heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, aromantic, etc.) and a sexual orientation (heterosexual/straight, homoromantic/gay/lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, etc.). Sometimes they match and sometimes they don't (which can be part of how you get "exceptions," like a guy who's been in heterosexual relationships all his life having that one boyfriend). My best guess is that you're heterosexual and heteroromantic, and because your SO is a man in a female body, it's causing conflict between your romantic and sexual attractions to him. But the point is, it's entirely possible to be 100% straight and still be in a relationship with someone who's trans and pre-transition.

As far as sex goes and your SO's body goes... all I can really recommend is talking about it with him. Chances are he's worried about it too. The best thing you can do is be honest.

[Crackpot]

Try not to let what other people say affect how you perceive yourself. Even though it honestly sounds like if they know he's trans they need to get it together with the pronouns and stuff... but I digress. My experience is both different and the same. I'm a bisexual/pansexual woman, that leaned more towards men for most of my life. When I date men people see me as straight.... now with my wife transitioning I'll be perceived as a lesbian. Either way, no one's going to get it right... and you know what? What they think doesn't matter. I know who I am and who I love doesn't change that. You're a straight woman loves a man. Even if the world doesn't perceive you as such right now. It's going to take some getting used to, but don't let it give you a personality crisis.

[sasha24]

I'm a straight female in a relationship with a transman. My boyfriend transitioned many years before I met him, so I have only known him post transition (had top surgery and on T). When he told me he was trans I felt very confused emotionally. Everything about him is male to me and the fact that he was trans didn't make all my emotions that I had for him dissolve. I too was concerned about sex and feel attracted to him, because I am straight. Sex is just as good with the prosthetic, in my opinion. In my eyes my boyfriend is just like any other guy I know, except he was born with the wrong parts. I wasn't turned off by his body because the emotional attachment was already there and strong enough to not let the physical aspects of his body bother me.

Also, you are not a lesbian. I've come to learn that gender and sexuality are very different things. We are attracted to our men because they are truly men...not women who look like men. People who are not as educated on transgender tend to have difficulty understanding that concept, so it's best to try and have an educated discussion with them if it truly is bothering you.

[Regina]

I've spent this morning catching up, just trying not to feel alone. So, I know this topic is old and hopefully you've gotten some resolution. That said, I wanted to share my experience.

I'm a heterosexual cis female. I met my boyfriend pre transition. We were friends and it wasn't until the first time I saw him presented as male that I realized there was more to my feelings. He was in an otherwise complicated situation and let's face it, this was really complicated, lol.  There was a lot of fear in the beginning. For both of us. I was the first woman he was with who was with HIM, he wasn't fully "out" so we had mutual acquaintances that referred to him as her and by a female name. The list could go on. For me, I compartmentalized. When we were together I viewed him simply as my boyfriend. I wasn't sure how that would translate in the bedroom, but our connection and chemistry were so strong we found out pretty quickly. And it was/is great. At first, he always wore a binder (for both of our comfort levels) and we usually had sex in the dark.  It was great (physically).  and worked for both of us (mentally). I can honestly say I've never felt like I was with a woman. That is not to say that there haven't been times of discomfort along the way. There have been. Likely for both of us. But, as our relationship (outside the bedroom) flourished we've both become much more comfortable in the bed room.

Everyone's journey is different is what I'm learning. Both for the transgendered and the people who love them.

My fears now are different than they were six months ago and likely different than they will be six months from now. It would probably be beneficial for me to start a new topic on that alone, but I feel drained and like I can't articulate what I feel, so I'll leave it at that and keep reading.


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[sam1234]

Unfortunately, this one strikes a nerve. When I first met my ex, I told her two weeks into our dating that I was an F to M transgender. She accepted it right away. I didn't want her family to know, because it didn't effect them. She told them anyway and started coming over to see me crying all the time. Her father kept telling her that transgenders were perverts, stating that he had seen porn with a "gorgeous" woman only to have her shed her pants and have an erect penis. After that, it just got worse. He would tell her that all transgenders "turn back" to what they were and that I wasn't a "real" man.

I thought it would get better when we moved out of state for my graduate school, but it didn't. She would refuse to go to the Dr. with me saying she was afraid they would think she was a lesbian. I held on for 7 years of comments and verbal abuse as we had a child. Looking back, I should have seen it coming and not married her.

That was a problem with the spouse though. Not the family so much because i could ignore their comments. It comes down to what you believe. If you truly believe that your loved one is a man, then you won't start to doubt your own sexuality. Although its true that to some extent you marry the family as well as the person, they can be told to behave or not see their daughter.

You might want to pursue some counseling to get some help with how to deal with the family's reaction and your own feelings. There is more to a man than just a penis. Transmen are men through and through and have never really been women or girls. It does sound like you need some help dealing with the comments etc. though, and its worth seeing someone about it. Include your boyfriend and be honest with him.

sam1234

[Adam (birkin)]

Well, I've had the experience of being with a straight woman (this was pre-transition) who was very candid about her feelings on the matter. She did have people who thought it made her a lesbian because when they looked at me, they saw me as a woman. She even lost a good friend over it because her friend was saying really rude things about both her and myself. I know it upset her when this happened, because it wasn't how she saw herself and she knew it was painful for me. The unfortunate thing is, it's really really rare for people to see trans people as their true gender when they don't "look the part." It blows and it's not fair but that's how it is, and it takes a special person (such as yourself) to see someone for who they really are when so much of their physical being belies that. As for this girl that I'm talking about, she said that it was hard for her, but that she cared for me and so it was something she was willing to take a chance with and put up with for the time being. She also said that she was 100% not OK having anything to do with my female parts but that was perfectly OK because I want nothing to do with them either. I just always had my shirt on, underwear, etc.

Here's the good news, if he is on T then it won't be this way forever. In time when you are out in public people will not see you as lesbians. As for family and friends...well it's hard to say. =/ I can't comment on that because I ditched almost all the people I knew before I started passing. I kept a few around who meant a lot to me, but for the most part, I hated everyone's ignorance, even those who meant well.

I also was interested in a transgender woman myself for some time, and I'm not gonna lie, people who know thought it made me "kind of gay" (some of these people think I am a cis man, others were people who knew my past at the time). But I know that I'm not gay and that's all that matters. I also know a lot of other guys who wouldn't have an issue with a transgender woman and they are as straight as it comes. I guess this is just one of those situations where you have to stand your ground and radiate confidence in who you are and who you love. You don't have to justify it to anyone. The pre-passing stages are going to be tough but if your boyfriend wants to be stealth afterwards it shouldn't be a huge issue, except with those people who knew before, and if they're important enough to you they should come around in time.