pronoun conundrum

[igatun]

This past week, in an attempt to be slightly more social, I attended a club meeting where pronouns were stated alongside names when we introduced ourselves. I sort of panicked when it came time to introduce myself. I can not in good conscious ask people to use she/her/hers when referring to me, but I also was not comfortable enough to ask for he/him/his-- partially because I have not settled on a 'male' name, so there would be a discrepancy between the name I gave and the pronouns I requested (my birth name is quite obviously female), but also because social anxiety is a silly thing that makes me do things that are completely irrational :/

So I have considered things and have come up with several options:
1) I could run away from said group and never go to another meeting. This is probably not the best option because I am trying to become more social and actually interact with people (and mayyybee eventually make some friends).
2) I could ask for name only. However, this causes issues with people calling me by my birth name, which I'm not too pleased with.
3) I could ask for they/them/theirs. Also causes issues with birth name, but is potentially tolerable.
4) I could ask for he/him/his and either have a slight name discrepancy, or actually settle on a name and ask people to use it. This seems like the most logical course of action, but also the most terrifying.

Ok, so this whole thing is probably quite ridiculous and I'm likely making a big deal out of nothing. I know that there are several other trans people in the group, and it probably wouldn't be a big deal at all, but... I am also really terrified of groups of people so coming out in front of a group is not something I'm very eager to do...
Eh, ok, this really doesn't have much of a point to it, but I'm going to post it anyway

[cindy16]

I think the discrepancy between name and pronouns is something that we as trans* people or those who have interacted with us can accept more easily, so don't worry too much about it. Or just pick any male name that you like, and if you change it later, you could ask them to use that new name.

For example, I picked the name Cindy almost on a whim when I joined here, and it was well before I became comfortable with changing the gender marker in my profile to F and using female pronouns. However, I am pre-everything, so when I recently started therapy, the therapist referred to me as Cindy but also used male pronouns in the letter where he noted all the details of our session. I am not fully OK with it but I understand there may be some clinical/legal reasons he has to do so.

That shouldn't be the case in a social setting, so you can absolutely ask them to use male pronouns and whatever name you prefer.

[adrian]

Hey,

I also don't think it's weird to use a female name with male pronouns anymore. Think of it as subversive

I agree that it takes getting used to, but I think of it as an expression of who I am at the moment. If the group is sensitive to gender stuff, there shouldn't be a problem .

[Daisy Jane]

As far as I can tell, I feel very different from almost every other trans person on this issue. I'm really not that concerned with which pronouns are used for me other than the fact that when I eventually present as female I should have female pronouns for consistency and perhaps safety assuming I pass. It's strange because I have a lot of anxiety about what people think of me now, but as far as transitioning goes I'm only concerned with how I feel about it.

[Rachel]

How about option 5) use him/he/his and say a name you like. You could add, if comfortable or when comfortable in the group, I may pick another name in the future.

I go by Cynthia and have been for 2.25 years. When I legally change my name it will be Rachel.

[Clever]

Friend, this exact scenario happened to me last night, at a trans group I attended for the first time.

I constantly worry that I'm not "masculine enough" to ask people to use he/his pronouns yet, like I haven't "earned" them or something. Same goes for the name. I don't feel like I present as masculine enough to allow myself to use a male name (though I have one picked out).

So, at the meeting, when we had to introduce ourselves and talk about pronouns, I just decided to be brutally honest. I told the group I was "in between names" at the moment and asked them to use a gender neutral nickname I've had for many years. When it came to pronouns, I was honest again and said my only stipulation was they not be she/hers.

Anyway, that's what I did. I wish you luck.

[cindy16]

Friend, this exact scenario happened to me last night, at a trans group I attended for the first time.

I constantly worry that I'm not "masculine enough" to ask people to use he/his pronouns yet, like I haven't "earned" them or something. Same goes for the name. I don't feel like I present as masculine enough to allow myself to use a male name (though I have one picked out).

So, at the meeting, when we had to introduce ourselves and talk about pronouns, I just decided to be brutally honest. I told the group I was "in between names" at the moment and asked them to use a gender neutral nickname I've had for many years. When it came to pronouns, I was honest again and said my only stipulation was they not be she/hers.

Anyway, that's what I did. I wish you luck.

I think you look 'masculine enough' in your display pic.
And a trans group is the last place such things should matter.

[barbie]

This past week, in an attempt to be slightly more social, I attended a club meeting where pronouns were stated alongside names when we introduced ourselves. I sort of panicked when it came time to introduce myself. I can not in good conscious ask people to use she/her/hers when referring to me, but I also was not comfortable enough to ask for he/him/his-- partially because I have not settled on a 'male' name, so there would be a discrepancy between the name I gave and the pronouns I requested (my birth name is quite obviously female), but also because social anxiety is a silly thing that makes me do things that are completely irrational :/

So I have considered things and have come up with several options:
1) I could run away from said group and never go to another meeting. This is probably not the best option because I am trying to become more social and actually interact with people (and mayyybee eventually make some friends).
2) I could ask for name only. However, this causes issues with people calling me by my birth name, which I'm not too pleased with.
3) I could ask for they/them/theirs. Also causes issues with birth name, but is potentially tolerable.
4) I could ask for he/him/his and either have a slight name discrepancy, or actually settle on a name and ask people to use it. This seems like the most logical course of action, but also the most terrifying.

Ok, so this whole thing is probably quite ridiculous and I'm likely making a big deal out of nothing. I know that there are several other trans people in the group, and it probably wouldn't be a big deal at all, but... I am also really terrified of groups of people so coming out in front of a group is not something I'm very eager to do...
Eh, ok, this really doesn't have much of a point to it, but I'm going to post it anyway

Be confident and let the people know what you want to be called.

In my country, we seldom use gender-specific pronouns, which is very nice to me. Some exceptions are "dad" and "mom" called by my kids. Even my little daughter sometimes playfully calls me 'sister'.

But the pronoun problem arises when I attend international meetings, speaking in English.

Last year, I wore skirt and heels during a 10-day international meeting for which several hundred people gathered.
A Canadian women in the secretariat, who I first met about 10 years ago, cautiously asked me which gender I prefer to be called.
I replied "She".
A few of my colleagues also denoted me as "She", but others still called me as "He", which I did no care so much, as most people there anyway knew who I am.

In my language, my colleagues usually denote me as woman, but it is half a joke.

barbie~~