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Internalized misogyny and identity conflicts

Started by melon_lord, April 09, 2015, 04:58:51 AM

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melon_lord

Hello there,
I'm not really sure where to even start with this post, but I'll just dive right in. I was assigned female at birth, came out as an FTM in high school after being told I "had to be a man or a woman in society" by the adults I confided in (much longer story lol), went on testosterone, went off of testosterone, then came out again as Agender/Third Gender/Gender Neutral, and recently started back on T to resolve some gender dysphoria I've been having.
Growing up I always felt very torn between masculinity and femininity, and typically found myself floating towards wanting to be male and masculine all of the time because I hated how girls were told to be a certain way, and how a lot of the awesome women/girl characters in the media I see now didn't exist when I was developing. While I always felt more comfortable in gender neutral and masculine gender expressions, I felt really left out and envious of many cis-female peers - I was angry at being categorized with all the ->-bleeped-<-ty sexist crap associated with being socialized as a girl, but I was also upset and envious of girls who were able to express femininity (or a conventional concept of femininity) with ease. Whenever I met other "tomboy" type girls growing up, I felt like I was part of a secret club, and like there was finally people like me (although this only happened twice).  I have had very hyper-feminine periods of gender expression, but usually cannot last long presenting that way because I feel more comfortable being gendered as male or neutral.
So now I'm at this point where I know I feel upset when I'm gendered as "she" in public, I feel validated when people call me "he" or "they", I feel like being on testosterone is the right choice for me at this time, but I don't think I will ever feel like a man. I definitely do not feel like a woman, yet I identify with a lot of struggles that women face in society despite constantly feeling like I also don't belong in female-only spaces. Does anyone else feel like they want to be apart of male or female spaces, but feel they never can do so? How do you deal with those feelings?

This really came up for me the other day when I read the first volume of the Lumberjanes (kick-ass comic series), and identified with a lot of the characters (who are all girls). I almost feel like if I had grown up with characters and worlds like that of the Lumberjanes, maybe I wouldn't feel as inclined to gravitate towards being gendered as male now.

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suzifrommd

I hear a lot of what you're talking about.

Not all of us "always knew" we were men/women/whatever. Some of us spent years thinking we were male or female, only to realize decades later that we weren't. Then it becomes really hard to leave behind all the old assumptions about ourselves and our place in the world.

I've often wondered whether I'm really non-binary, or whether I'm 100% MtF but too clueless to figure it out into middle age, and now stuck with a lot of maleness that has been absorbed into my identity after living that way for so long.

I've never "felt like a  woman." I don't even know what that means. But, like you, I know transition has been right for me.
Have you read my short story The Eve of Triumph?
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r31gnb3au

This strikes a chord with me too. I'm still wrestling with how much of my desire for a male identity/ discomfort with a female identity is rooted in feeling I would have freer life choices, more respect, etc presenting as male. And maybe even some deeply internalized misogyny of my own. Do I feel a certain stirring of pride in my heart when ppl refer to me as male because it truly matches my internal self, or simply because I feel like everybody thinks men are inherently better than women? It's very complicated.
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Aazhie

I feel a lot more secure in my masculine identity these days, but I know what you mean about internalized misogyny!  I actually resisted accepting being not a woman simply because I felt like a traitor, if that doesn't sound too silly?  It was like I felt like I had to choose  a team, so to speak.  For the record I tend to think of myself as about 80-90% male, but I'm pretty comfortable with my female specific parts, I just want a male looking chest and to be called by male pronouns.  I hate feeling like that and halfway convinced myself that I wanted to be a dude simply because it seemed easier, or women tended to be treated a certain way- I didn't want to be treated that way because I'm much more male in my head, but I assumed it was part of my belief that gender should not matter in how you treat a person.  So in a way I feel like I hindered myself trying to be 'fair to everyone' in a sense, ha ha.  I had other issues and reasons for not being more active about exploring my identity and feelings, but this was a large factor at least in the earlier stages... I can be mostly man without being a mysogynist!
You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space.
Johnny Cash
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