Love, love, love...

[BearGuy]

Hey everyone, I'm back for the time being. Life's been super busy.

A few weeks ago, I met a girl who just captured my heart. I used to always consider girls like her to be "out of my league", and would settle for who wanted me, rather than for who I wanted. Times have changed, especially with the testosterone running through my veins. I told myself that I will date her no matter the obstacles. Indeed, last week she invited me on a hiking trip to Sedona, AZ, and wants to spend the entire weekend with me. I keep on giving her signals that I like her, and she openly tells me we should do everything together (join clubs in college, go hiking, spend Fri nights together at one of these organizations here). From what I know so far, she is very open-minded and liberal. Now...I do not know her orientation, besides the fact that she did date a guy not long ago (facebook stalking, lol). My remaining hope is she is at least bisexual... who knows? I get really good vibes from her.

Now...I would really appreciate some advice from ya'll, who have experience with straight and/or unknown-orientation girls. I'm 2.5 years on T, so she has absolutely no idea that I transitioned. I have no scarring since I never grew a chest pre-T. She wouldn't be able to tell, unless she knew trans men from before... (mild features that stand out, such as softer face - if I shaved my beard and had medium length hair, I could pass as a masc lesbian... stuff like that is noticeable to people in the LGBT community, just like people have gaydar).
I would really like to begin a relationship with her this weekend. I am thinking of starting to date her, show her how I really am, and down the road break it to her somehow. Explain it to her in a patient manner, saying that it is biological, and not a choice, and even pre-hormones I displayed many intersex characteristics (voice, body size, body structure, plenty plenty plenty of stuff...my parents were super concerned lol).
Would that be a good approach?
I really, really don't want to lose this chance. I'm 21, and I feel 13 all over again with all these fluttery feelings for her.

[invisiblemonsters]

honestly if you want to see how she feels about it, bring up LGBT+ topics. most people will jump on the chance to talk about things like that, at least i found out they do. i've only dated straight girls but they've had no problem with who i am. i am stealth but i wouldn't keep me being trans a secret if i was looking to start a relationship with someone or if i was going to be sleeping with them. i think that's because if you get further in and they find out, they might be hurt and think you "lied" etc. even though that isn't the case. some might be cool but i rather someone know up front and like me for me and not be thrown off and lose something great i built because they couldn't deal.

i also don't like the whole, "my hope is she is at least bisexual" thing because it implies that you aren't man enough imo as if, because she's into girls too, you will have a chance. like naw, you're a man, so it shouldn't matter if she's bisexual or straight or w/e. it's how i feel about trans men going for lesbians too, i think it kind of invalidates your identity as a man but i guess that's just me. i know every situation is different but idk.

[sam1234]

That's a tough one, especially if you really care about her. I don't know if there is anything left on you from your old body or if everything works, but if there is, its better that she find out from you up front than find it for herself and feel like you were hiding something.

When I met my ex., (she was straight cis), I waited until two weeks into the relationship and then told her. Mainly, I didn't want to get too emotionally invested and then find out that she thought I was some weird pervert and take off. Ironically, she later decided that transmen weren't really men, but if I was to start dating again, I would still be up front about it.

Because even the best surgeons can wind up with patients that have leaks in their new urethras or problems with any implants that allow erections, if the relationship is going to go somewhere, its best that she know. God forbid you get into an accident and can't speak for yourself and the Dr. at the ER needs to know you are on T and your anatomy. At least you would have someone close who could fill them in for you.

sam1234

[AeroZeppelin92]

I definitely do not recommend getting into a relationship before telling her. It is important for both parties to lay down important facts like that before starting a commitment. If you really like her, just square up and tell her the truth. If she doesn't have a problem with it, then hey congrats. If she does, then it sucks, but at least you know she's not the one before getting even more emotionally invested. It'll hurt for a little while but like you said, you're 21. You're young and there is plenty of room for other oppurtunities. If it doesn't work out, just remember it's not you, it's them. Everybody has preferences, everybody is ugly to someone, and there are always going to be people uncomfortable about us trans folk. It's just a fact we face but nothing to hold you back.

[FTMax]

I definitely do not recommend getting into a relationship before telling her. It is important for both parties to lay down important facts like that before starting a commitment. If you really like her, just square up and tell her the truth. If she doesn't have a problem with it, then hey congrats. If she does, then it sucks, but at least you know she's not the one before getting even more emotionally invested. It'll hurt for a little while but like you said, you're 21. You're young and there is plenty of room for other oppurtunities. If it doesn't work out, just remember it's not you, it's them. Everybody has preferences, everybody is ugly to someone, and there are always going to be people uncomfortable about us trans folk. It's just a fact we face but nothing to hold you back.

Agree with Aero. Solid relationships are not built on dishonesty.

Personally, I would consider disclosing that you're intersex. Even people I've spoken to who were ignorant of trans identities and issues could wrap their minds around being intersex. If she takes it well and understands/wants to know more, then you can discuss how that's shaped your identity up to this point.

It's going to come up before long anyway. May as well be open about it.

[Contravene]

If she's mentioned wanting to join clubs with you in college you could ask her if she'd like to join an LGBT club or alliance with you then if she's giving you good vibes about it you can use that to break the ice and tell her you're trans.

[Adam (birkin)]

I've disclosed to some women who did not know, and it really isn't that hard...I find the less of a deal you make it to be, the less of a deal it is to them. I basically just would be telling a story where my gender was somehow relevant (it normally isn't but at times it is, like when I was talking about some family issues) and I just said "so, in order for this story to make sense, I have to tell you that I wasn't born or raised as a male." They got it after that point, and sometimes I'd show them a before/after if I felt confident enough in it or whatever, just to ensure they knew what was up.

It's not easy but honestly I personally feel like it's better to put it out there before things get too serious. If I see a chance with the girl and am interested in pursuing, I'll tell her. I don't want to get too involved with someone only to tell her later and have her be possibly angry with me, or leave me heartbroken. I hate doing it and it sucks because I don't see myself as anything other than a guy, so disclosing something so uncomfortable is grossly weird.

And yes I was rejected by one of them who was put off by it. But if they care for you as a person they're usually pretty kind about it and they try to be understanding. It hurt for two weeks and then I got over it and soon enough another pretty little thing came along and caught my eye and I didn't care. The girl has remained a friend as well.