The feeling won't shake

[gothique11]

Maybe I'm alone in this, or there is just something wrong with me. I haven't been clocked in ages and ages, but I still look at pictures of myself and video and in the mirror and I keep thinking I look like a guy. Now, I've been full-time and on HRT for just a little over a year, and I keep hoping that these feelings will go away, but they haven't.

I'm a confident girl. I have a high self-esteem. I believe in myself. And, I know that I'm a woman. But why, from time to time, do I look at myself and say, "Ick, are people blind? Do I look that horrible? I so look like a guy!"

I just don't get it. And then I have other trans friends who keep saying this and that on me is very feminine, but why don't I see it? I get stuff like, "You're so lucky you don't need FFS." Even friends who seen me before HRT (pictures or in person) said I looked like a feminine guy (I actually grew a goatee at one time to show how "guy" I was... I'd get ma'med and I was still in a shameful mind-set over my Transsexuality... a few ppl in here might remember me mentioning what I went through to off-set the shameful feelings for years before I worked through them).

And it's been a year of freak'n full time and HRT -- I though these feelings would go away. And, lately, I've been feeling like this more and more. Is it because the year is up and I'm waiting for my letters to get in so I can get surgery next spring? But I don't doubt the surgery, I know it is right for me and I'm every excited about it. So, it has nothing to do with me feeling that I'm not female or don't deserve to be.

I don't understand the feelings or why I have them. Will these feelings ever go away. I accept who I am. I'm confident. But why do I feel this way?

Is it because, maybe, I grew up "male" and I'm so used to my old face (it has changed a bit, but not that much, I don't think).

I'm just so confused right now, and I don't know why I feel like this. I feel like I'm an anorexic sitting in a mirror saying I'm fat, when I'm not.

These feelings just don't feel like me -- the confident girl with a high self-esteem. Why do I see things differently than everyone else? Why is everyone blind (or am I the one who is blind?)


---natalie

[Sheila]

Natilie,
   I had those same feelings for a long time, even after surgery. They pop up every once in a while still. I think it is just our minds, they are the last one to accept us. If other people say you look good don't worry about it and if they don't say you look good, don't worry about it. I don't know if others have had the same feelings but I have. Not so much anymore, only when I'm depressed and want to go out to some bar and start drinking again, hot chocolate. What did you think I meant?
Sheila

[Hazumu]

Hi, Natalie;

Let's see -- high, full cheekbones, not much of a brow ridge that I can tell... c'n I borrow your face this Saturday night?  >   No! it looks very good, from what I can tell from your avatar.  It's got more angle to it than the stereotypical Britney-Spears-wide-eyed-round-forehead-baby-face, but there are lots of women who have looks similar to yours.
I think the now-you will remind you of the previous you, but people who never met the previous-you will only have the now-you to go on and won't have that problem

I like my hot chocolate with whipped cream...

Karen

[buttercup]

Hi Natalie,

I think you look fantastic and you're just having the blues, I'm pretty sure you'll be your old self again soon and your confidence will be restored.  You do remind me of Ally Sheedy when she was in 'About Last Night'.  I hope you find that as a compliment, cause she's gorgeous. 

buttercup 


P.S: I wish you're therapist was right redfish, unfortunately where I live everybody cares!   

[tinkerbell]

Hi Natalie!

I have to agree with Sheila.  All of us go through this at one point in our lives.  Some like myself, never get over it   and are constantly worrying about how well we look in the mirror.  Yeah, I've become vain after all these years (since my vanity is NOT related to GID anymore)

As far as your physical appearance, let me tell you that you DON'T look like a guy.  Anyone confusing you for a guy would have to be bananas, so don't be so hard on yourself hon.  As you get used to the path you are walking on, you will either forget about your looks or become vain like me.  Is it wrong?  of course not.  IMHO a woman is supposed to look great at all times and peeking in the mirror is NOT a sin.  All women do it.  Why should we be the exception?  Enjoy your beauty; never forget that you DESERVE IT.

tink

[LostInTime]

I used to go out dancing with a six foot tall woman who was absolutely gorgeous and yet, she did not think so. Another woman I knew suffered from the same problems. Both had times in the past where they were not so attractive and well put together (mentally, spiritually, etc) and it did boil down to them focusing on the negative.

I am the same way. I was just called beautiful by some guy I had never met before and just kind of blushed and rushed through the interaction. Yet I look in the mirror and wonder WTH people like him must be smoking. I HATE my voice and yet a t-gal recently told me how wonderful it was and wanted to know what I had done to obtain it.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and a number of us have to learn to love our best traits and not let the negative ones beat us up all of the time.

[Suzy]

Natalie,

Of course you are a most beautiful girl!  You are just radiant.  And I would be disappointed if you did not still have doubts sometimes.  Is there anyone who doesn't?  You are light years ahead of me in progress.  There are timed when I just get so scared and have to push myself through it.  I don't know why, I just seem driven.  I think you do too.

So go out and enjoy your feminine charm.  Confidence is very sexy.

Kristi

[gothique11]

Thnx, everyone. I don't get problems with other people and I really don't care what people think. I haven't been clocked in ages. But there are just times when I just feel blah.

It's funny, someone else at a club I go to mentioned that I look like Ally Sheedy. She was like, "You look like that goth girl from the Breakfast Club!"

Although, to be fair to myself, I think I look better in person or video than pictures. I think a few people in here have clicked on my profile and checked out my video blogs. LOL

But, thnx everyone, again, for your encouragement.

--natalie

Posted on: August 30, 2007, 10:45:48 PMOh, as for my voice, Lost in Time, I've had people say the same thing. I look at them weird, because I'm thinking, "My voice sounds horrible, why do you want to copy me?" I have a friend that is just coming out (I'm her trans mom) and she said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to try to listen and copy your voice because it sounds so good. How do you do it?" I don't know how I do it, I haven't even had voice training yet. But yeah, it was weird because I keep thinking my voice is blah.

Some people here have heard my voice on my video logs. I haven't done a video log in a while... I should probably do one soon. It has been a crazy couple of weeks with a lot of stuff going on. My GF and I opened up or relationship (which is good, and has actually taken out a lot of the stress in the relationship). I had a job interview today... I hope I get called in for the 2nd interview and get hired. It's a phone company, but they pay really good ($18/h which sure beats the average $10/h I was getting working retail). I'm glad, however, that things are working out with me and my GF... we've strangely gotten closer as we've been more open and allowed each other to explore beyond the relationship.

Then, I've been helping out my trans friend get on her feet, and encourage her. I'm taking her out tonight to a club I know, actually. It will be fun. I know a lot of regulars (it's a industrial/goth night thingy). She's met some of the people there and had already made friends.

I think I'm just feeling tired and worn out. Not so much worried or stressed now... it's just kind of the wind-down period for me, I guess. I'm a pretty active girl. I've been off work for almost three weeks and I'm more busy now than I was when working. LOL

[Berliegh]

Maybe I'm alone in this, or there is just something wrong with me. I haven't been clocked in ages and ages, but I still look at pictures of myself and video and in the mirror and I keep thinking I look like a guy. Now, I've been full-time and on HRT for just a little over a year, and I keep hoping that these feelings will go away, but they haven't.

I'm a confident girl. I have a high self-esteem. I believe in myself. And, I know that I'm a woman. But why, from time to time, do I look at myself and say, "Ick, are people blind? Do I look that horrible? I so look like a guy!" ---natalie

You look female in your pic Nat and don't have a male look to me.

I sometimes get some pics taken which look male at one angle and it's really worrying.

[Kate]

Maybe I'm alone in this, or there is just something wrong with me. I haven't been clocked in ages and ages, but I still look at pictures of myself and video and in the mirror and I keep thinking I look like a guy. Now, I've been full-time and on HRT for just a little over a year, and I keep hoping that these feelings will go away, but they haven't.

It's only been a few months fulltime for me, but I'm the same way. I just cannot fathom that I can walk through a crowd and not create a wake of double-takes and stares. I see myself in the mirror and wonder how people can be so blind, I'm so *obviously* male to me. I mean OK, not always, not every angle, but overall... I shouldn't "get away with it" as I seem to. I figure until *I* see myself as female, I'll never get over that feeling.

FWIW, I don't see anything male in your avatar pics. I'd kill for those cheeks

Is it because, maybe, I grew up "male" and I'm so used to my old face (it has changed a bit, but not that much, I don't think).

I think that's basically it. People I know, especially my coworkers and relatives say I look kinda different, but hint that I'm not FEMALE. In fact, a few weeks ago one of my coworkers mentioned that I'm "starting to look feminine" to her. I mean... STARTING to look FEMININE? They can't believe that everyone else sees a female for the most part. Heck, I can't believe it either.

And WE know ourselves and our faces even better than THEY do.

~Kate~

[LynnER]

Some days I catch myself in the mirror, and all I see are my chin and browridge... allmost every picture I or my friends take the same thing <especialy the pictures... camara phones have teeny tiny lenses that inhance every flaw>

Its days like those that make me long for FFS.....

Realisticly I look female, even to myself most days when I look in the mirror now... unless Im frowning      I guess it just takes time to let your predispositions fade... and to forget what you once looked like and once pretended to be.....

[gothique11]

Maybe the picture angle/lighting is something. Because I sometimes look at pictures that people take and I think I look horrible (but most people think they look horrible in pix anyway).

I think some of the worst pictures out there with me in them are in face book from random friends who take random pictures of me when I'm out and about. One of my friends took one when I was talking with my friend, so we both looked weird, and the angle was weird and made my hips look really, really big... so, the camera added fifty pounds. I hate those photos.

I have some good photos, however. Here's one that my friend took yesterday. This is my girlfriend and me. We have an open and complex relationship right now, but we're still close. The funny thing was that we both wore skull shirts the whole day and didn't notice until my friend pointed it out.

I'm also wearing no make up in this picture. It's a cute pic anyway. And I'm on the right, btw. And I really need to get my hair styled. I keep putting it off and last time I got my hair cut was in Feb. A good hair style can go a long way.

Still, I look at this picture and keep thinking that I look boy-ish. And, I know I'm a woman and I'm confident with that. Arg. It's a frustrating feeling... I almost feel like I'm an anorexic person looking at the mirror and saying her skin and bones body is "fat" when it is not. Maybe it's the gender dysphoria thing. Will it go away? Maybe after surgery and more time it will go away. After all, if I had the correct body part it might help with my self-image. Others see me as female, so it's not others saying that I don't look right. Maybe it's the feeling of feeling incomplete that's driving me to feel this way. I don't know.

Anyway, here's the pic.
________________________


Took picture out.

________________________

[Berliegh]

It's always hard when we get our pics taken alongside a genetic female. Male and females are very different, especially the scull shapes and hairline. Transition is hard and if you think about it too much it could send you crazy. You have nice skin and don't need make up and you are probably closer to your goal than many others.

If I go out and my friend takes a few pics, some of them look male which can be very frustrating considering how many years I've been in transition.

[Dennis]

I don't see anything boyish about you Natalie. Even your hands, next to your gf's, look female in proportion to your body size.

Dennis

[gothique11]

Thnx everyone. I hate feeling like this, and I've been trying to make it go away or at least understand why I feel this way. I feel so abnormal for feeling this way, and I can't understand why I feel like this.


Posted on: September 05, 2007, 09:29:26 PMThe weirest thing, I'd have to say, is that I've never been considered attractive before -- and now all of a sudden I get hit on a lot and people say I'm attractive. Maybe living a life of looking and feeling unattractive it's hard for me to believe that I am in anyway. Maybe that's part of the reason. Maybe it's the gender dysphoria going off again because I don't feel complete as a woman physically (got bits down there still) and it's translating in other ways, no matter how others see me or what people say to me, I know I have parts down there and don't feel 100% complete and maybe still feel "boyish" even if the world doesn't see down there, I see it and I'm reminded. I hope this feeling goes away. I'm hoping GRS (SRS) will help to some degree...

[candifla]

oh jeez louise,

you look like totally cute in that picture.

yes, i can see some boy in that photo, and it's only because you've posted it here in this venue and you keep on and on about it, but if i saw this pic in isolation, i'd say you've got a cute female face...

and the fact that it has hints of past masculinity makes it more distinctive. my god, all those fashion models look alike and bland. you've got style girl!

oh yea, it's better than your avatar pic.