First off, greetings to all. To begin, thanks to all that have ever supported me honestly.. Normal for a person beat up over and over again to want to vent and rant about what is a 'metaphysical' hell. I am empathic and dealing with so much, not only do thoughts to consecutive moments linger but so does the energy, intentions, the mind boggling experiences.. *pant* rambling.. I am a normal person, no matter how 'psychic' I am.. I get nervous, overwhelmed, feelings of joy, confusion, anger, and all the above..
That being put, I also can be in a certain place at a certain time, in a intense moment and totally be disconnected pondering about what happened yesterday, just a moment ago, 5 years ago, maybe I just had a deja vu 'portal'.. Excuse my 'spiritual' talk, I just know how my life works PERSONALLY for me.. Not fake deja vu's, like people setting me up to make a certain scenerio happen again, possibly slightly different but made to be just alike.. Ok, and go.. All the personal 'greatness' I talk about is seemed to be misconstrued.. blah.blah..blah..
I can feel peoples screwed up thoughts, always have, or have a hinch of what their focused on.. Weird and rude, actually.. Not all bad.. People are people, different agendas, different opinons, and motives..
Do not walk on my mind, with your dirty shoes.. A bhuddist claimed that..
I actually was in a great program once, actually finally becoming happy.. In many areas.. This is when the 'psychic confusion' started to happen.. Then I was getting constant massages, learning so much, excercising in the universal art of dancing.. I was healing in so many ways.. Not only dealing with a new area, so much was arising that I just became overwhelmed..
I actually turned on the program I was in, I could always sense but more and more started to happen, it became one huge conspiracy..
I remember I went through a phase of different emotions and people would literally ridicule me, at this time quietly, and murmur and I would freak out.. I started blaming everyone, people would not let me out of their sights, cars were following me, but it was actually good, I was dressing more of my inner personal style, transition was making its way, dysphoria depleting, in school saving my fasfa as 'rent' 700 a month (which now I owe, because I did not finish) also people were in my classroom, taking away from the personal time that I needed and searched for my life after feeling so deprived.. I actually freaked out/ got uber angry and left on the performance day.. People were their to 'see me' and I just wanted to be dance, if I were to be 'discovered' to let it be natural, or eventually once I got used to it.. Off that..
I was mad, becoming more and more exhausted, from school to my bed, and I was not mad at first, I felt I was becoming successful until I started hearing comments that were rude, intrusive.. Yada yada, and people started thinking of me different, physically/verbally and energetically.. I was confused, pissed off..
I look crazy now and it makes me crazy, because I never was, but I am never heard or given a proper time or moment to gather myself, but duties call.. People played with my conspiracy hiding their true meanings once I left, I was dropping a name and it was just bad.. If anything this person was most likely trying to help me, but I was just confused.. 'too smart for my own good, but not too smart, I guess?'
Eventually I felt neglected and my family put my bulimic insecurities in my face.. (back up to living with the program) I was asked if I wanted to reconnect with my family.. Then I see something that hit me, I just got pissed off, and I knew people wanted me to become triggered.. Ugh, psychically overwhelemed.. Became a joke, and I was no longer under the pressure/misunderstanding/abuse etc that I just got so heated.. I only go that route when I have no way to vent healthy.. Or be in a 'normal' circumstance..
So many more parts I left out.. I never meant to use anyone but when I go for the basic needs, put in just as much work.. It seems claims I am 'using people'.. UUUGHH the standards and accusations, which I face everywhere.. but still happy and no weapon formed against me shall prosper.. Aha.. just a joke, but serio..
Went to NY and the ammo kicked up, and I was being talked about in Harlem, being set up, I was high on receptive at this time.. Ugh, it is hard to explain because it is so normal to me, being 'receptive' and all... I thought everyone was aware as I was or sensitive as I am..
I was in a shelter, (loop story typed many times).. The community I was trying to become a part of instantly neglected me, streets are talking, people think I hate certain fast food chains (maybe because I do not eat there??) my glasses were another weird one, I knew I was being recorded so I intentionally -- handleded business then.. I was in the stall and thought to myself, if this is true, then watch this (in my head thinking, if people watch this they are evil and yada yada) I was feeling crazy.. Violated.. Whole nine yards.. I take showers and live a life.. It was just weird.. People in the shelter were making comments based on what I was writing.. I vented my 'personal' past experiences even on a government phone that was hacked.. I cried so much and knew what was being held over my head, kill me now, I'm the worst person, make it stop, ready to do time.. The whole nine yards, Iwas recorded where I was asleep in every cot that was issued to me.. I went off, sleepless nights... the smell of K2, banging noises, ants in my bed (black, so no bites).. I waited to be killed, literally.. IF that is what you wanted.. Nothing happened, abuse kept going, people are writing stuff on the walls of the city.. being followed.. people who either sound or look like familiar people.. No matter where I went, welfare office, anywhere..
Even when a lady offered my a cigarette (menthol) I took it, and acted as if I would smoke it, even to light the lighter, no smoke, just a tease.. kept it and sold it for a dollar in the shelter, bought some peanuts and now people just wont stop blowing smoke in my face..
Gay men were trying to sleep with me, transgender women.. UGH the whole place was talking about who they thought I was, and were listening to the gossip and trying to enforce that upon me.. I just could not get a break.. I was in detransition in all of this, TOTALLY unwanted but I was trying to fit my basic needs.. but no one would help me.. psychiatrist and the bunch are saying I should try meds, spent my birthday in a psyche ward, people calling me Micheal.. Ew.. first off Micheal Jackson is not a comparison.. No matter my fro or anything.. These people literally called me Micheal in this hospital.. Celebrated my bday two days ahead, and I was being watched as I was asleep or even went into the room..
As much as it seemed I ignored my transition it was always on my mind.. I was getting random erections and peopel are coming at me for the most.. ugh.. draining..
I have no time for self to just let loose.. How can I take care of myself in all ways if I never, EVER have the time to do so..?
I cannot even explain all that is out there, peopel taking their CSI fantasies to the extreme, bit too much TV? As if I am some 'mastermind'
muuhahahahaha! all sarcasm..
Then I come back to transition mainly, but it is also getting cold in NYC.. I am anemic (sp) so I felt it fast, sure I can deal with it, but not broke, exhausted, homeless, and wondering what the next abuse filled day will be like.. Just get it over with, is all that is in my head..
Meditation and crystals..
If I were some evil devil, well, do the world a favor and 'get it over with'.. If there is something I do not know about myself, lurking in the dark of the depths of hell.. Do us ALL a favor, but I can tell my intents and perception of it all..
What to do.. Soul Alchemy, 'Win' or 'Lose' this is what my journey calls for.. Out of the paradigm.. You know that optimistic thought 'what is life'..
Not crazy, nor a weirdo.. Rest assured.. I would have probably killed or went down.. I really do not know what to type.. but I really do not mind, I've been ready to die.. As God as my witness.. Put that on my life! Bit of a punbut all serious..
So now, I am crazy happy, life is as bad as it has gotten, gets worse and better at the same time.. Why add to the worst of it.. One day of someone is simple and easy for them, imagine different personalities just charging at your soul.. or mind w/e fits you.. God didnt make this, deformed, faggot, weirdo.. Ugh.. some words I will have respect not to put onto myself, kill me for that one.. Pow! Well, I did not see anything..
So then being followed if I were to do anything, it is inapporpriate.. OF course certain places are, but was T and a bizarre situation I dive myself into at times and not.. Then it gets more crazy and accusations start.. No weirdo.. Totally not that.. Ugh.. Ugh.. No excuses, just plain truth.. REally, get it over with, what could possibly be next... having fun, I bet..
I was across the news in every state I would cross, shelter I stayed at.. Not me.. but you know, how 'it' works..
Really I think, wonder, if that serious, c'mon.. Get it done.. Really.. Imaginations run wild, especially when you gather up on a single train of thought.. No interlude, if that makes sense..
I have apologized for months, and months never claiming what I have done is right, but ignorance a bliss.. UGH STILL THE I AM NOT PERFECT RANT... over peoples bs really.. I can only do so much.. you actually rest and what?
Time or death.. I am fine.. As long as I get to transition and it is done with some compassion or privacy or die knowing myself.. That is final..
... So activism... I was put out to have everyone turn against me, and to make it seem as if I am fake and not genuine in my actions.. Even common greetings.. Like really, give me a break.. I catch on to everything, but cannot always sort it all out... Do not try and confuse me, or 'swtich it up' its obvious.. I am as honest as I possibly can.. Over beating myself down with everyone else.. Really take care of business, there are mad men running around..
So what I do emberasses transfolk (oh, 'country' now) but neglect me and rumor, clock me and you just did the same to yourself.. I do my best in this crazy, irregular situation.. I need some healing done.. I cannot get my mind off any of it.. Not the person people make me out to be, but damn sure rotates how bizarre.. Angry, disgusted and is truth..
I feel if I am 'debunked' for my gender identity, (whoa for the spiritual experience/ duty/ history behind it that) then eventually it is all.. SOmething will be made up.. Just typing.. Not that I am some savior, clearly not that.. but yea.. Seems all sweet because they use you, but next thing you know, two faced people show colors.. Wham.. but not everyone is not supportive or two faced..
What I do is not because I am hurt, it is because I 'worship evil'.. Respect everyone in their home.. Now I am satanic.. Curious as to thoughts or some 'fancy' word.. but yea..
My last vent.. Walking out everyday, with or without doing/feeling my best I am living 'my' life.. Always thinking of the heavens..
Here comes the circus.. Not so funny when you are in the shoes.. Sure what goes around comes around, but get facts straight, ignorance a bliss.. Do not play God or you may feed the Devil. Got what I deserved but you 'stretch' it..
Truth is truth.. (like this post possibly being moved to general or spiritual)
I'm Ready! (and I know I am not that attractive, but I feel good!) Ugh, get ready for the world!
The 'New Age'
