Quote from: Devlyn Marie on April 08, 2015, 07:05:24 PM
Hi Caduti Morte, welcome to Susan's Place! Is my Google serving me correctly: Fallen Death? You picked the perfect spot for your post, by the way. There's lots of friendly people here, you'll see!
Hugs, Devlyn
Google is correct, it means Fallen Death or Slay Death. Just a name I use for a lot of MMOrpgs I play.
This is going to be rather long :/
So, my story... I honestly have a bad memory so I'm not sure where to begin. So I guess I'll begin with the first memory I have that made me feel like how I felt about myself was bad.... I was about six or seven, real young, and I had just learned about the word tomboy at my daycare. Though I can't remember for sure but I guess I was a little different from most of the girls in my class, but I do remembering feeling relieved that there was a word that described me. On the way home that day I remember proudly telling my dad that I was a tomboy and that meant I could do all the boy things my brother did. I was not prepared for the sheer amount of anger that simple little statement brought. My dad yelled at me as loud as he could that I was to never call myself a boy again, that I was girl, and that went on to say only dykes (his word not mine, but if I offend anyone by using it now I apologize) would dare to call themselves a tomboy.
That memory pretty much describes what my childhood was like while at my dad's. The activities I could do were restricted to my what was considered socially acceptable for my sex. I had all the dolls, toy horses, and stuff animals I wanted but God forbid if I decided to play with my brothers' action figures. Sports were a no go no matter how much I pleaded to play, always being told "girls do not play sports", which was confusing to me since the teams my brothers were on were co-ed. My only escape from such things were when I was at my mom's on her weekends, or when I was at school. At school I played with the boys and a few of the girls. At my mom's I wore my brothers' clothes and played with my cousins (all boys). It was always a relief when I was at school or my mom's because I felt I could be myself and be accepted. I never felt that I was to different or that I wasn't like the other girls, at least not at that point.
Puberty is the great changes of all changes. Of course, like most other girls, I was informed that my body would change around a certain age and that I could be expecting a visitor each month. I listened to it with disbelief and thinking it would never happen to me. I liked how my body was at the age of eight and had no desire for it changed. At nine my body did begin to change, and I was rather ashamed of it, a situation not helped by the boy's I had called friends as they made fun of my new chest development. My ability to identify as a boy was suddenly take away. By time I was 10 I realized I didn't really fit in with the girls either. I constantly had to changed how I acted around them to feel like I felt in, and even then I felt like a fake. As a result I became a shy and silent person instead of the very out going kid I had once been. The people I fit in effortlessly with were five girls that were considered tomboys and actual boys themselves. I also remember around this time that I felt ashamed for liking boys because my best friend a lot of the girls made fun of my best friends saying she liked girls. Because I felt so much like a boy I thought it must mean I was wrong for liking boys as well.
My memory gets fuzzy around this point. The first time I ever actually sat down and questioned if I was transgender was when I first learned the word when I was 14. I quickly talked myself out of thinking like that, after all I was particularly masculine. I wasn't a girly girl but I wasn't macho guy either, I always fell somewhere in between personality wise. No matter how much I felt like I could relate to the person's who story I heard at that time, I felt like I had no right to say I could even relate. All the same it was a thought that stayed in my head, popping up when I least expected it, and always I would shove it away. I've always wondered why I wasn't boy, and thought I would be much happier as a boy, but I never wanted to think about it because I was born a girl and always felt there was nothing I could do about it. I remember I had a friend in high school (who recently came out as trans woman) that would always joke that I was secretly an unpolished gay guy who just needed a little work done (she didn't know that was actually how I often felt).
About 6 months ago I dressed up as a guy for Halloween unsuspecting that that would open the floodgates for all the questions I had manage to suppress for years. When I looked in the mirror that day I felt I was seeing a truer me than I had in a long time, even if I did have the appearance of a 16 year old boy instead of a 20+ year old person. I had an euphoric high the rest of that day, but like all things it did fade. Once again I was left with questions I didn't know how to answer and I was just about to push my thoughts and feelings away again, but this time I decided to follow them. At least do a little research first.
So, here I am now. I almost mostly sure that I am a transgender male for the most part, but I still have my doubts. I can picture myself as male get the most excited feeling in the world and will think "I want that!" even if what I picture myself like isn't the muscular macho man. But then some days I wake up in a fog and wonder what in the world I must be thinking. I'm a girl how can I dare dream of being a man. It's not like I completely hate my body or feel out of place in it. There are things I don't like about it, but doesn't everyone have something they don't like about their body? It is a constant loop of certain and then uncertainty. Some days I wake up feeling like a feminine male, and other days I feel like I am just in a genderless fog. The only thing that hasn't changed is that I haven't felt like a girl in a long time, even if I do see some girl's clothing that I like to wear every once in a while.
Since I have started questioning I have cute my hair short for the first time in my life (which I loved) and started wearing men's clothing (also something I have fallen in love with even though I hate looking like a woman wearing men's clothing,) When I do have to wear girl's clothes I usually hate it and feel super depress, usually feeling like I hate myself. As the day goes on I get use to it, but usually the next day I was wake up in my genderless fog state (which is not how I like to feel).
I don't want to rush into anything. I'm the cautious type of person and I tend think over everything a great deal, so I am wondering if I am over thinking things. I have no idea if doubts or feeling crazy are normal. Sometimes I tell myself that I might actually not be transgender and that makes me sad because deep down I know that I really really want to be a man. (funny how I didn't know that till I typed it out.) I still worry if I am fooling myself. I constantly see other transgender people saying that they hate their bodies, but most of the time I don't actually hate my body. I'm not satisfied with it, but I don't hate it either. I would just hate to rush into something and wake up to find that I made a regret.
Sorry, I'm pretty much rambling and working myself into a confusion again.
