Unsure still, after all this time.

[SpaceMutie]

It seems like every time I get closer to an answer about what and who I am, someone pulls the rug out from underneath my feet. I don't know why, but, as of recently, I'm not nearly as connected to the trans community as I used to be, and it feels like most FTM goals are way different than mine now. There's this huge push for truly 'masculine' transmen, and those who aren't tend to get excluded. I don't enjoy traditionally 'masculine' things-- like My Little Pony, and female cosplay on occasion-- and people treat me like I'm not one of the real guys. It's awful, really, that liking one thing or another thing makes you a guy. So I've just... moved away from everyone around there, and have withdrawn into a small ball of Dre in order to question what it is I am. Again. Like I've always done.

If liking those sorts of things doesn't make me man enough, do I even want to be a man at all? And, if I don't want downstairs equipment to match a flat chest, will I never be considered a real guy? A lot of the transguys I've met elsewhere say yes, and it leaves me feeling dejected. I don't even know what to say besides the fact that it feels like they're taking my identity away from me, devaluing it. If that's what it takes to be a real guy, I've thought to myself, I don't want to be a guy after all. I don't want to do things that I don't like because people tell me that's what everyone else does. I want to do what I love.

I'm so confused, and ranting, and mostly sad. I was finally starting to get comfortable... I felt like I had a family to belong to, and now it's gone. I wish, sometimes, that it could be more simple. That I could be something easy rather than fighting with myself over what's right every day. I wish everything would slow down...

[enigmaticrorschach]

what makes a true man is not being masculine or tough. what makes you a real man is knowing the responsibilities you have to yourself and others. a real man falls down and learns to get up again, continuing to strive and improve. they are protectors to those who can't fight for themselves, and he shows the way. a real man sets an example for all little boys and especially little girls. real men follow what they believe in, always has his mind open to the new possibilities. and a real man isnt afraid to shed a tear. being unique is what makes you you. sometimes you gotta be a little feminine. dont worry, you'll figure it out soon. i'm still figuring things out myself but you know what keeps me going? its because since my father sacrificed his very life to try and protect me, i owe it to him to find myself and not repeat what he did.

[SpaceMutie]

what makes a true man is not being masculine or tough. what makes you a real man is knowing the responsibilities you have to yourself and others. a real man falls down and learns to get up again, continuing to strive and improve. they are protectors to those who can't fight for themselves, and he shows the way. a real man sets an example for all little boys and especially little girls. real men follow what they believe in, always has his mind open to the new possibilities. and a real man isnt afraid to shed a tear. being unique is what makes you you. sometimes you gotta be a little feminine. dont worry, you'll figure it out soon. i'm still figuring things out myself but you know what keeps me going? its because since my father sacrificed his very life to try and protect me, i owe it to him to find myself and not repeat what he did.

But, I just... I guess I just don't get the difference between what 'men' and 'women' are. Besides body parts-- which no longer matter to me, really-- there doesn't seem to be a difference to me besides what people sell you. I kind of realize that the only thing that's making me a man is because I say I am. To me, I suppose, doing all of that doesn't make you a 'real man', it makes you a good person. I don't know what makes a man any different from not being one, for me. I don't know if that makes sense or not.... I really admire what your father did, being heroic is great and I appreciate the quality. The thing is, apparently what defines a man now is whether you wear a skirt or not and like football, to a lot of people, or if you say so. I don't even know what I'm saying, I'm sorry, but a lot of people have an expectation of what a 'man' or 'woman' is, and I'm smack dab in the middle looking at both and feeling like I don't belong anywhere and that it seems ridiculous to use appearance and hobbies and actions, noble or not, to describe what makes a man.

[enigmaticrorschach]

have you talked to someone about this? and you have to figure out what you define as a real man. if you strip both the male and female down, they are both the same. start from scratch and you will eventually find you answer. it may be long, tough and at times you may hit rock bottom but remember, like a newborn baby, you must learn to fall before you can walk

[kelly_aus]

On the flip side of the coin..

I'd better give up smoking cigars, drinking 18yo single malt scotch and working on cars.. 

Oh wait, that's all stereotypical crap. Be who you are, not what others expect.

The only contact I have with the trans community is online - where I have some control over it.

[SpaceMutie]

have you talked to someone about this? and you have to figure out what you define as a real man. if you strip both the male and female down, they are both the same. start from scratch and you will eventually find you answer. it may be long, tough and at times you may hit rock bottom but remember, like a newborn baby, you must learn to fall before you can walk

No one's ever listened to me talk about this stuff before, they always get confused or resort to using stereotypes to tell me that I'm wrong. I've stripped myself down, over and over, and it feels like I don't have much strength to do more than that. It's exhausting, soul-searching, and I have so many things to worry about now. I've got a year or two until college comes around, and I'm feeling pressure already by everyone. Breaking myself down again may not come out as a good thing, so I just sit here and worry all the time.

[enigmaticrorschach]

i'm sry you feel that way. if you ever wanna talk, send me a pm and i'll be sure to answer you even if its the middle of the night or i'm at work. i know its tough but if i can be of some assistance, i will try my best. if you need to vent, scream your head off or just wanna break down and cry, than do it and rest assured i will be here to help you as long as you need me to.

[SpaceMutie]

i'm sry you feel that way. if you ever wanna talk, send me a pm and i'll be sure to answer you even if its the middle of the night or i'm at work. i know its tough but if i can be of some assistance, i will try my best. if you need to vent, scream your head off or just wanna break down and cry, than do it and rest assured i will be here to help you as long as you need me to.

Thank you, that's really kind of you. I'm not usually on here very often, because I often just don't feel like I fit in, but I'll take your offer into consideration whenever I end up in a really dark mood. If needed, I can offer you the same, even though it may not be much.

[enigmaticrorschach]

trust me, i feel like an invisible shadow on the ground sometimes, but i've learned not to let anyone else define who i am. i define myself because at the end of the day, its all you. right now, though you've fallen, you'll eventually get back up on that horse.

[r31gnb3au]

I feel you on this. In trying to decide who/what I am gender-wise, I'm finding it begs the question "what is gender? What does  being male or female actually mean?" Overall my personality is androgynous, and I'm mostly happy to identify that way, but everyone seems insistent upon slapping a Boy or Girl label on everybody. I definitely want a penis, does that one thing in-and-of-itself make me FtM, or is it just one step towards the gender midline? This is what I'm trying to figure out.

[Rachel]

I think it is best to be yourself and find friends that accept an encourage you to be yourself.

No matter if someone is trying to put you down for not being your birth sex or put you down for being not trans enough they are not healthy for you or anyone else to listen to. They are full of themselves and want everyone else to be like themselves to reaffirm their insecurities.

There just is not a binary and you can be anywhere you feel you need to be in gender expression



If you can, a gender therapist can help you sort out your feelings and needs. 

[MugwortPsychonaut]

I kind of realize that the only thing that's making me a man is because I say I am.

It certainly does! You are YOU, no matter what. If you identify as a man, then you are a man, period. There are no rules here.

And remember that there's only one of you. Your job is to be as you as you can possibly be, whatever that may be. The world needs more of YOU. <3