So being 'well known' and somewhat of a public figure, when I leave my current residence, I am followed, stalked, and I have my ENTIRE life manipulated!
For years now, with new and old individuals involved, but there is gossip, rumors and many hidden agendas!
I claim 'illuminati' because that is how this organized crime works, they act nice and cuddly but could care less about the actual person, me. Giving excuses as to why they go about it the way they do. I know there are genuine people but majority are just bitterly hateful for my transgender identification and will attempt at any way to tear me down in all dimensions. Obviously, subliminal, indirect, direct, just a complete roller coaster.
They try and make me think for the hundreds of people I cross in whichever city. They being, I could name a few names, but generally I do not know everyone involved and behind the scenes.
Being in a situation where I am without in many ways, I am deprived and that is how 'they' like it. I wonder if it is some way of blackmailing me for money when I 'make it', what ever that means. I have been becoming someone I have never been due to this everyday circumstance, and to have your 'family' involved, paint a picture we are all angels and I am crazy.
I have yet to loosen up in all of these years, my posture, my walk, my voice, my habits etc.. Being in a constant situation that is everything but normal, how can you ever be comfortable. Laying down is a struggle to get to that 'safe' space, but where I lay my head, is never safe. I need a vaca.. So bad.
Only because I feel I do my best and 'work' so hard to uphold myself and still pursue new goals while providing for the community.
I have tried to face police but they act as if I cannot open a case or hire a private detective to investigate, if a crime turn myself in. I intentionally steal just to get arrested, better than dealing with what is going on. Also if you keep me deprived eventually I will think 'f--k it'. Now I am the evil person. Not a goal of mine. As if the bizarre lives of others are non existent. Seems people take pride in killing someone.
'Make it" is because I did have a passion for music, dance, activism etc.. Now though I simply and only as of now want a job, a simple job, security making 15.00 hourly or more. No time for self so you have nothing to write about, no down time.. No lyrics even float in my head anymore, the limelight seems so outplayed and I am already over it.
Oh, let me not forget to mention 'psychics', which if there are real, which there are. When I complain about psychic attacks, then throw holy water on me, I am possessed! Not just regualar PTSD, PSYCHIC TRUAMA also! Could make you insane, but is that the intention? I can feel whomever, and it is much more complex than this post.
I have no clue what to do, one 'against' many. THE MOST, just for a single person, w..t...f! All this effort towards something productive or else could have one to reap many benefits.
This little light of mine.
Pure evil to try and make someone do what you want them to do.. How long will this continue, more years to come? No, matter the outcome.. I want it done soon. I literally thought about dropping back into the train station, not suicide, but homicide.
Can't wait to hear a joke about this later, what 'great' people.
I even started overeating just to cope with the constant stress and I was teased and ridiculed about it and my bulimia, which I developed in my teen years. Gotta love a LIFETIME of abuse! Not a current issue and only relapsed once in the past months.
They want people to see my face, body, past pictures etc.. , to 'clock' me but I could care less that people know I am transgender and transitioning! I am happy and in joy to be myself, trust me no jealousy or no want to be anyone else.
Clock me, fine, someone, someday will accept me exactly the way I am, and eventually I will.. 'pass' I know passing is true and a goal for many, even me in some way? but I am transgender so 'clocking' me is just funny since I am genderqueer, exhausted, irritated, angry, and at the end of the day/night not perfect. SO wrap a bow and YOU GET WHAT YOU GET, as of now.. Ugh my style, attitude I can feel me!
If I were hetero and conforming, fine, but being publicly known for being 'smart' or 'intelligent' and transitioning to my correct gender.. Oh no, you would cause a paradigm shift!
I should have a kid, eh? I should build a family? Think of my grandparents and relatives, well seems to me you should mind your own damn business! You infiltrate one persons life, cause the controversy, oh you can blame me, but who is the boys/girls who are crying wolf!? Advertising a persons life, the one place they can actually vent and you prey upon it to demonize them.
Reverse psychology is there game and it drives me mad. I like it straightforward and simple. I am over these games and will continue my transition and struggle all the way through. No matter what celebrity or the extreme of the hype I am over it. I have wants and needs, I am not some toy who you can just play with and leave alone. I DO NOT CARE, SOCIETY GET OVER YOURSELF.
Never that serious but the fact is I actually go through so much and everyone undermine it. Forget the money, cars, events, people the luxuries in total, this will never be worth it and I will never chase after it. My life is not some sitcom or movie to be under constant surveillance and you add sugar to make it cute, but reality is I will be wearing donated clothing, tired, though I look 'well rested', in need of a real (you do not know me) relationship with a single person.. I am over and I will no longer try. So when I smoking and snorting meth it was never that serious? When the back of my feet were cracked open and hurting, shoes falling apart, hungry, daydreaming about what I want and need.. Not real?
I will never offer a service to this, I owe no one anything. That is just plain fact. Years of so much, I mean years of moments, countless, countless memories most I do not remember of some bs..
Not looking farther into anything, for all I know it just a hoax. Expecting me to change or 'get a hint' psh.. Ok... Do I least deserve my life? If not get it over with.
Not asking anyone for advice, because I doubt this entire situation anyone has ever been through. Point them to me! Therapist or psychologist will not believe me, I have tried, psh, maybe they know and will act brand new. Or maybe I am schizophrenic and having delusions? Maybe I am immature socially and have anxiety because I have yet to develop proper social skills? Or possibly it is anxiety for no apparent reason and it was generated from my imagination? Who is they?
Oh and I literally see branding and commercials etc that have a lil 'taste' of me. Yes, you are welcome!
It bothers me so much to be studied, by cars that pass by, people I speak to, people across the street, people from apartments, places of business.. Regular? Ok. Seems like prize working mule that a farmer continuously puts to work and expects the same result day by day.
Oh, but I am intentionally kept up also! So I can be tired (as if I am not already), held to wait a bit longer, intentionally forced to step out of my personality or habits (a human being just saying), lose all I ever have over and over and over again, when do I get shot at life.
Committing the 'homicide' would either be a yay or a 'whoops' to them. This life is insane, my 'abilities' are overused, similar to an overworked 3rd eye chakra.. I have no patience to see into any of it or take it in. The moment I get to 'rest' there it go, follow me to wherever I go.
So easy to blow it over but to walk my shoes, is to live my life. Second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, days, weeks, months to years!
I put my best out there only to be disrespected and trampled on every time. Overeating also is comfort and a way of 'replenishing' my energy levels.. Though food can only do so much, like a massage can only do so much.. Hmmm.. Sure miss my school days.
Final!
Keep your fire lit.
Will + Spirit = Wings or is your spirit your will? hmm..
