Hello, everyone!
Well, my name is Melissa.
Let's see here... I'm trying to think of how to be brief enough as to avoid having a boring introduction, yet, still be informative enough that my potential new friends will have some idea about me.
At this writing, I am 39 years old.
I live in Tennessee, struggling to schedule frequent visits with my 2 kids that live in Texas.
I was divorced in November, 2013, and, sadly, my Gender Dysphoria was probably... 75% of that.
(not to mention that my ex wife was a textbook Narcissist who had an affair on me, but that is another story)
I currently live alone, and am at a kinda isolated phase in life.
I am on disability for severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and Social Anxiety Disorder.
For some reason, the Social Anxiety symptoms worsened after my divorce?
I rarely leave my apartment, except for my therapy sessions, and until I can just no longer be creative with what I have in the fridge and there is no choice left but to go get groceries. LoL
My therapist is great... she actually has a friend, in real life, who is a Trans woman.
She is researching as we speak, about referring me to the best endocrinologist she can find in this area, for my issues.
Speaking of this area... I am in the worst region that you can think of, to be a Trans girl who can no longer hide her true self anymore.
Tennessee.
My mother passed in 2012, so, in emergencies, I have my Aunt (Mom's sister) and Uncle.
They are highly active and highly ranking in their church.
And, they are as redneck, intolerant, and full of hatred for people like me as it gets.
They have clues about me, but, I think that they are in denial... but, I fear what will happen as I slowly begin to express myself more.
See, my current situation means that I have to kind of rely on them for airport trips, when I want my kiddos to fly in and visit.
Long story.
I wish that they were more open minded... they have had times of being angry at me, for depressive phases, and phases where I refuse to see anyone.
They get angry because of times when, at family gatherings, I am kinda quiet and don't say a whole lot.
They have said how they "want to see you (me) happy!"
And, there I sit, silently thinking how if I knew that I could safely be and express myself around them, I WOULD be closer to the happier person they wish for me to feel like.
But, I have heard them spew way too much hatred while they watch the news, for me to tell them fully about myself.
Anyway, that's me in summary.
At this point in life, I am just hoping to slowly start letting my true self exist for everyone else to see.
The hope that I and my therapist have is that as "Melissa" finds the courage to express herself, the social anxiety and things may slowly improve.
I do know that when I am out shopping... even though I fear stares and laughter... I feel less anxiety attack symptoms when I use makeup and my wig (which looks real), than I do walking around unshaven and with my hat on.
Through this site, I learned the term "asexual"... it was comforting to know that there was a word for the fact that I desire no physically intimate relationships in my life from here on, except for having as many true, real friends as I can find on my journey.
I do have a best friend from high school... he doesn't "get" it, but, has proven that he's not gonna stop being my friend.
I came out on Facebook to everyone (my Aunt took her laptop in for repair the very evening I made my post, so, it got lost in the shuffle, not seen by her).
EVERY friend was supportive, and as one girl who I went to school with said, "Well, this explains why I always go to you first when I need someone to talk to!"
I have always tended to distract my own pain by trying to nurture others.
So, who knows, maybe in my own struggles, I can be a good friend and a source of comfort to others.
That's my hope.
I don't whine too often... that doesn't come out until I've just held something in for so long that it hurts, and finally admit that I need to reach out.
Well... thanks for reading this little intro.
In the coming days, ya may see me asking some questions about where I can go from here, on various issues.
Thanks for listening/reading.
Your new friend,
Melissa
