who with kids, has divorced and transitioned? I need help

[blueroselostlove]

hello, new member here!

so... my story, my life is a mess...  I took a new job position in the company I have been with for 10 years, the new role is HIGHLY stressful at the moment. AND I came out MTF to my wife, who has decided she loves me but likely can't stay with me because I'll be a woman.

As a result of the ultimatum, I'm now considering the divorce option. We have kids and a house. She says she has nothing and I have ruined her life. and maybe I have ruined her life, but she made all the decisions and is making a decision right now to quit me, to force an ultimatum on me and well...as many know: 'To thine own self be true' right?

Yet...I don't want divorce but I see no way around it. My kids will be shattered, I'll have to deal with her wailing, freaking out, and flat out emotional hurricanes. The house will be hard to sell. My new job will take a beating as I won't be able to give it 100% attention. I may need to stay in the house with her (Though I wish I could just pack up and get the hell out) till it sells for legal reasons, though I really want to get out and into an apartment, till the home sells, so I don't have to deal with her every day.

I could just drop this whole thing and be a husband and love her, its not so bad I mean I've been with her a long time, we have kids together, and a life, but I feel incomplete.

What is your divorce and transition story?
Should I tell my new boss I'm divorcing?
Should I tell my new boss I'm transitioning (I haven't started yet, but I'm not getting any younger and want to start my journey)
Should I stay in the house, or just pack up and get out when she is not around?
Anything else I need to consider here?

[mrs izzy]

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Safe passage on your path,Popcorn?

Hugs

[mrs izzy]

Question i have are you seeing anyone for your GD?

I say this being sometimes the horse gets put before the cart just to find out that there really is not cart.

Just trying to figure out if you have a official diagnosis or a feeling.

I really hate to see anyone flush a life until it is needed. I worked all the way up to the point i gave up with my x. I was diagnosed officially and my spouse knew.

It looked like it would work but then in the end got bad quick.

That's my question. 

[blueroselostlove]

Thanks for the reply. I have had counseling in the past for various things, and quite frankly I'm tired of counselors, and therapists. I did try to find a gender therapist and the ones I could find are booked.... maybe I'm unlucky in this area(or lucky depending on how you flip the coin). I've done a LOT of reading, a lot of exploring and even more thinking, and I know what I am.  For the longest time I wondered about being gay, I was sure I am bi-sexual, and then I started learning about GID and it all fit, everything snapped, from childhood events, stuff that happened all through out my life, it all fit. clothes I wore in high school that NO other male would wear.  I am more comfortable with women than men, I can tell you I hate my adams apple, my body hair. I am small framed... I'm not a big person, 5'10 and weight about 155 pounds. I have never been able to build big arms, though I Tried so hard to be more "male" (gyms, weight, muscle building powders etc...).  I have girlish facial features, yet I'm dealing with hair issues . I have a nice butt and I'm proud of it... :|

I know what I am.

my wife doesn't accept it, quite frankly I think she is worried I will be prettier than her with make up on and get more attention and so her way of dealing with this is denial and I'm crazy. really she is in-secure and lives in fear and I'm tired of it. I love her, would never cheat on her, and want to spend my life with her, as a female. yet this is not in her plans it seems, and she can't keep up with me (and doesn't want to in this case is seems).

I have heroines... and one of them is a transgender MTF that works in hi-tech and was an early person to come out, I want to be like her. Smart, beautiful, fearless, and trailblazer.  However... I don't want to hurt my children whom I love so dearly. And I need to be me... real me.  I have talked to an endo who will do informed consent with me, I've had the discussions and they feel comfortable that I'm in my right mind, and old enough to make the decision, clearly. and that is absolutely true about me.

but now I need to decide what to do to exit my marriage and the proper way to do it to minimize kids getting hurt in crossfire. and wife being able to thrive, since she doesn't want to thrive with me and help me with this journey. anyway...

so my original questions remain for any that want to tell their stories, or have been down this road.  any experiences or advice folks can give around divorce I'd appreciate, as I feel this is my path at this point.

[TransSasha]

....Was that you that made the "wife 180" post? I think your wife is on here as well... but as far as your questions

I wouldn't tell the boss Im thinking of transitioning. changes don't show up overnight and you may well be way into your transition where you may decide transitioning isn't worth it for you. You have to figure yourself out before you go trying to have other people figure you out. also do not just pack up and leave. That isn't going to end well. possibly in a situation where she will try and keep your kids away from you. Running from problems never helps. You two need to really sit this out and talk about what the future holds. Seeing a family counselor or therapist of some sort will also help in this situation. Because you seem to definitely want to transition, you need to have a serious talk with your wife about this and figure out what exactly her worry about your GID is.

[Lady Smith]

When I transitioned I had two children a girl aged 7 and a boy aged 5 and I'd been married for 15 years.  Even though separating and divorcing from my wife had its messy moments and there were certainly plenty of tears we did manage to make the process reasonably civil so as to not upset our children more than could be avoided.  My 'ex' suffers from bi-polar disorder so the messy moments did get quite strange and very messy, BUT overall by keeping communication going we did manage to part on good terms.

Now because I didn't want to make my children homeless I refused to take my share of the property and house we owned together.  My lawyer thought I was nuts of course, but overall it did achieve what I wanted and my half of the property was used to help my children with higher education when they were older.  My children are 30 and 28 now by the way and they love me very much and we have a good relationship.  However taking this option is only for the truly brave because heading out into the world with the clothes on your back and a couple of suitcases is a risky thing to do even if you're not transgender.

[mrs izzy]

Informed consent for HRT with a Endo I feel is fine.

I still hold issues with self diagnosis when it comes down to GD, just me. There is to many comorbidity issues.

I was married to my X for 26 years before the divorce was final. I now have been remarried for 9 years.

I was lucky in the fact my children where grown and out of the house.

Lets say that my marriage did not end on a good note.

The forum should offer support and help with multiple suggestions.

None of us hold all the answer but many have finished there journeys. They can offer suggestions that they found can help for a easier transition path.

Transition is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. Your rights as a human are stripped of by society. Its up to you to fight for everyone of them back. That is the said part of being born with GD.

Hopefully tomorrow that will change. We all hold out hope.

I wish you a safe travel in your life's path.

[treeLB]

I'll be straight forwarded. Don't expect your wife to be okay with you being a woman...get through your divorce before taking serious steps toward transition, it'll be easier. It is going to hurt your childern to some degree but that will mostly end up depending on how the two adults treat each other going through the process.  Don't make silly assumptions that your wife is worried your going to be prettier that is really shallow and self centered - she is loosing her man and you think she is worried you will be prettier? very  immature way to look at it.

[Lady Smith]

My wife called me 'the woman who stole her husband away' so as the 'other woman' don't expect too much in the way of acceptance and understanding from her.

[iKate]

I'll be straight forwarded. Don't expect your wife to be okay with you being a woman...get through your divorce before taking serious steps toward transition, it'll be easier. It is going to hurt your childern to some degree but that will mostly end up depending on how the two adults treat each other going through the process.  Don't make silly assumptions that your wife is worried your going to be prettier that is really shallow and self centered - she is loosing her man and you think she is worried you will be prettier? very  immature way to look at it.

Yeah that's more or less it. However I disagree about waiting for divorce to be final. Divorce could take years, time is more damage to your body from T. A delay also gives you time to harm or kill yourself, so some of us don't have the luxury of time. Besides if you divorce before you start to transition that leaves open accusations for other motives such as an extramarital affair. I have been questioned many times whether there was someone else and whether this whole trans thing was just an excuse. She already tells people that I don't think like a woman.

In all honestly I don't blame my wife at all for not wanting to stay. She's straight and I think I am too. So we are incompatible, friends and co parents but not lovers we will be.

What I don't like is the gossip among people and accusing me of stuff. That I could do without.

[blueroselostlove]

I suppose for me its the realization that the path of least resistance is the best path forward. I don't want to fight with my wife any more. call me a coward, or scared, or what ever, but in my mind, just flat out going for divorce so we can both be happy, is likely the best course.

And I'm thinking the best approach is to just flat out move out when she is at work and then tell her I want a divorce. I think that is likely the safest approach.  quietly change my credit cards, etc. and I really don't give a @#%#% about the house, I don't... she can have it as far as I am concerned, money is not everything. and I'd cut my arm off to save my body (or mind).   

I do want to spend my life with her, but not at compromising myself, for ever.

I know this sounds bad, but seriously, I'm tired of being controlled by her fear, and anger. and I'm tired of being in the closet, or pushed no SHOVED back into the closet. AND I'm really tired of talking to her about this, Its been beat to death. And I'm sick of hearing her say things like "you are my MAN" when she knows that is NOT the case. :|

I really think this is what I need to do. It sucks but I think its probably the best approach, the toughest part is going to be what this does to the kids. this is the only way forward, and I'm just tired of not being believed, and or supported.  I would even take a "honey you have to do this, I'm going to help you, we will raise the kids, but at some point I may need to go find a new man." I can get behind that, I get that, it makes sense. Its rational, loving and supportive.   *sigh*