How to stop caring what others think?

[Ltl89]

Well, I managed to avoid talking to my dad about my situation again and can avoid this until the next time we see each other which could be over a year or a few months.  I've been terrified to have the talk with him, so its relieving that I escaped it again.  I mean he knows some stuff, but not really.  I'm a horrible person to hide this, but its so hard.  Hopefully, my mother and sisters threats to out me are empty but I don't know.

Anyway, thank you everyone for your thoughts.  I am going to take things what is said very much to heart cause I can't stop panicking about what people will think and its really hurting me.  I don't want to waste another year of my life because of stupid fear and fear that's what I'll do.  To be honest, I have noidea that I have the inner strength to overcome all that transitioning takes but I know I have to do it.  But please, anyone that has severe social phobia and fear like I do, please continue to list ways that you obercome this and finally got to where you needed to be.  I've been in a bad place recently and have been thinking much more negatively than ever.  I don't want to be so uncomfortable and sad where I look forward to sleeping or have the occasional suicidal thought.  I need to be more proactive in over coming this stuff, but I don't understand why other people have such s strong impact ion me.

Anyway, I've overcome a lot of things and its a slow but progressively positive situation where I am making good changed in my life.  But this mental block of constantly worrying ewhat others thinks has too strong of a hold on me and its preventing me from living a happy life.  I can't do this to myself anymore. Honestly, I don't know if this place can really offer me the help that I need, but I would love to hear from those who have been in my shoes before.  Its been a slow transition but that's the best situation for me as I think people already suspect or know if I haven't already come out.  It may actually be easier to finally just say screw it and make the full social point sooner than later.  I don't know, but I'm terrified to learn and afraid of passing issues.  But I need to try.

Thank you for putting up with me and any of my negativities.  And thank you for any of the advice that was given and anymore that may be to come.

[Ltl89]

Part of the fear is that I've been transitioning for some time.  I started hrt back in jthe summer of 2013 and forwards October of 2014 switched to injections which has helped.  But this has been a long time coming.  I guess I just feel afraid about never passing.  Things could be much better if I tried harder, but I've been afraid to even try and go fulltime.  And people know.  I came out to most of my immediate family and even work recently.  Family has been complicated, but work has been really accepting.  Friends and acquaintances is more mixed depending in how things go, but I operate under the assumption that people know I'm trans.  And most people aren't bad.  Most are actually really nice to me, more than I deserve, but I always am paranoid as I assume the world must hate someone like me.  That's more to do with self hate and an inability to overcome unjustified fears.  Like I said, besides family, people have been awesome. And things are moving in a very slow but positive direction.  I guess I'm too afraid to take the main steps I want to, but I do acknowledge I am slowly getting there.  But my I fear that I will never pass and its kind of heart breaking cause I doubt I will ever be accepted for how I feel.  Not because people are mean and evil, but because I'm different and that's the case.  I guess I just wish j could be a normal girl.  That's what I really want.  But I'm not and need to accept myself for what I am and all the flaws that come with it. I guess I hoped that at some point I'd lose the transgender label but it seems that will always be how I am seen and I need to accept this better.  To be fair to the people in my life, most people couldn't be more awesome about it and don't deserve my distrust, but my family has a tendency to put a lot of fears into my head and make me doubt everything.  I guess this has very little to do about what others think as they haven't been the problem, but rather my own negative perception constantly reflecting into how I assume the world sees me or will see me.  I don't know.  What I do know is that I'm getting more depressed waiting and waiting to make the social transition and I can't take living my current life anymore but I'm too scared to make further changes that I want.  I'm 26 now and all this time and years have flown by.  Maybe I'm not strong enough to do this all and survive it?  But Id rather cease to exist then forced to live the rest of my life as male. I really don't know.  There are good things in my life and I am moving forward.  I just don't know how to get past my own fears and the mental challenges I create for myself.  Well, taking an antidepressant had helped me but I stopped.  I'm going to begin that again tomorrow and I'll try doing some self help exercises I've been reading.  I really want to get better and be happy rather than stewing in my own misery and letting life pass me by. I need to get more help with my depression and self esteem if I'm ever going to get better.

Thanks again to everyone that wrote suggestions.  You really helped me think about things and really put my situation into perspective.  I do appreciate the help and hope that maybe this thread helps someone else in this boat.

[Kellam]

While I have gone some different routes in my transition (I opted to be openly trans and come out early) I agree with a lot of what Bibi said. I hadn't thought of it before but exercise and my playlist play a huge role in confidence building. To acomplish all of my early steps I listened to my transition anthem, "Mr. Lady" by Lunachicks, on repeat. Before going out and during the bicycle ride to my destination. It helped immeasurably. Those steps were biggies like coming out to friends, coming out at work, trying to get to a support group and going to my first meeting with the medical establishment about hrt.

I knew that I needed to start becoming a full and happy person to be there for the people around me, to become a good person, for me that meant shedding my masks and transitioning to my honest self. But to do that I needed the support of the limmited social circle I have managed to maintain. That meant putting the burden of my awkward transition on them. Asking that work, friends and family all start using my new name and prefered pronouns. I was lucky enough to expect and recieve that support. Now my safe places are true islands of security and they give me the strength to keep taking the little steps in the rest of the world.

I haven't worn a skirt or flats in public yet, but I also haven't worn men's clothing for two months. I mostly come off as a male leaning androgynous person. That is fine for now. I feel more secure in my life and now my life is expanding.

It really helped me to accept never passing, even if I do someday, because I can now just go around as I feel happiest. I have embraced being trans and love that it is special, something to be cellebrated. We are a unique breed and letting the world treat us as jokes or freaks has to end. We are as normal as breathing. Because of the circumstances of my life I would find it very difficult to hide my past. There is a great variety to every caste in nature's structure and I intend to show off the prettiness of my particular blossom.

[bibilinda]

I have embraced being trans and love that it is special, something to be cellebrated. We are a unique breed and letting the world treat us as jokes or freaks has to end. We are as normal as breathing. Because of the circumstances of my life I would find it very difficult to hide my past. There is a great variety to every caste in nature's structure and I intend to show off the prettiness of my particular blossom.

Wow that's great stuff, deserving of a thumbs up which I am gladly granting to you!

But even though those are lovely thoughts, there's one little problem and please don't think i am a negative person or a pessimist (well I know I am, bit I am realistic too)

IGNORANCE. What percentage of cis people, other than relatives of us trans people, some physicians and people in the LGBT community, DOES EVEN KNOW what transgender means, what GID is, what MTF, FTM, androgyne, intersex, non-binary mean? For God sakes, they don't even know that they are "cis", for all intents and purposes! For the world we live in right now, they are "normal" and we are "abnormal", meaning lots of different things which are not really very pleasing to hear.

So in this day and age, I am sure that everybody, at least in the western world, does know what hetero, gay, lesbian, bisexual mean. All those are names related to sexual preference, not gender identity like where us trans folk actually belong.

But what about us, transgender people? Most people have no idea what we are, how we feel, why we are like this. They just toss us up aside in any of the well-known groups, like gay or lesbian, because we are "different". And they have absolutely no idea of the different varieties of transgender people either, they just see us as "different".

I am no activist and I have no idea how the gay and lesbian community got to be at least recognized by everybody (not accepted, jut recognized as a group of people who has rights just as everybody else, and is no longer stared or glared at like a freak by biased ignorant people, because everybody, including bigots, already got used to their existence, IOW their existence is not "taboo" like that of us trans people as of today).

Oh I am ranting again. Another long-winded speech. I missed my workout and I am apprehensive this evening, it figures!!!

[JoanneB]

Your self esteem is a MAJOR factor in how well you can tolerate the haters. As a former negative self esteem person I know the pain all too well. In my early 20's I twice "experimented" with transitioning. Twice stopped, in large part due to the ridicule, either real or imagined. I also know all too painfully well how brutal young women/teens can be in the NYC metro area, having grown up in the shadow of the Empire State building.

It took years to foster my self esteem. It is still in work in process. Constantly nurturing, constantly reinforcing it. Depending on the source, all it can take is a word said just the right way.

I wish I knew what else to say that may help. We all have to feel our way through. It is not easy for many of us. I totally envy those that have the "F them, it's THEIR problem" attitude. I guess being beaten up too many times as a kid beat that attitude out of me.

My best approach is to always remind myself how overall, or in general, just how much happier I am today. How alive I feel. The joy. That wonderfull feeling of actually finally feeling happy (in a small way at least) being in this body. Then contrast that to the feelings you had for so many years trying things the other way.

I Know What Does Not Work

[Newgirl Dani]

Learningtolive,

This is hard yet may be more simple than you think.  I am coming from where you are going to.  My entire life was spent as a loner, no contacts whatsoever, I was completely antisocial.  This was by a lifetime of addiction, criminal behavior, every negative aspect of life one can think of.

Long story short, I finally changed in my middle 40's and then had no idea how to interact with people.  Now 19 years later I have learned quite a bit about society and interpersonal behaviors.  Please do not get me wrong and think I'm advocating for you to become unfeeling/distant/callous/ or adopt any antisocial methods of pushing people away.

So in a very abbreviated form, there are pay offs for intolerant people (negative behaviors always have a pay off) by way of their actions.  First and foremost is the confirmation of their superiority.  This is accomplished through their body language, voice tone, and pitch, AND then watching for that instant reaction from the one this is directed to.

This is the best place to put up your roadblock......it is one part smile/and one part knowing look/and one part 'very slight' incredulous amazement.  This one act is probably the most disarming look one can give, it is not threat, it is not confrontation, and not one that says "more is needed".  It is the exact opposite of timid, at a loss for words, embarassed, etc..  It speaks of confidence, intelligence, strength, all in one look.  It dissolves those who are not prepared to get that immediate satisfaction of being above someone else.  Do not linger, do not stop walking, and do not say a single word.  Generally the people who do these behaviors, do not have the ability to think quickly, and by the time they realize they really dont know what happened, they will be slightly embarassed and you will be long gone.  Family, well that is an entirely different thing, the above is only for strangers.   Dani

P.S.  Never stop caring about what the "right" people think, it is what makes us human and compassionate.  Do try to remember learningtolive, this is only one aspect of the entire picture.  Hopefully as time goes on and you realize your true self worth, and the gem you are, these components of this one small action will correspond to the parts of yourself you are cultivating, which is a genuine, loving, and caring person who has "already had enough strength to get this far.   

[Zoetrope]

Well I don't care, because I know for the most part other people don't care.

If anything I make life interesting. I like that :~]

[Jill F]

If people don't like me, then that is their problem, not mine.  Their being becomes inconsequential to my own and I proudly move forward. I would much rather be true to myself than false to others, so screw 'em if they don't appreciate what I have done.  Haters weren't going to be my friends anyway.

[Ms Grace]

A few thoughts - and sorry if they repeat anything already written above...

The thing about caring what others think revolves around a few issues.

Who are the people and what does it matter what they think about you? If they're just some random person who you have never seen before and will never see again then what does it matter what they think of you? What makes their opinion so important to you? Start with those kind of people, they are background noise of your imagination which is making stuff up about what they are thinking and then caring about it. You aren't a mind reader (or at least I presume you aren't) so how can you possibly know what those hundreds of people you pass every day are thinking? That weird look on their face is 99% more likely to be "I have gas and need to fart" than "what a weirdo". And even if it is "what a weirdo" - so what, you don't know them, they mean nothing to you. You probably won't remember them in another two seconds once you fix on the next person with the "I gotta pee/poop/fart/eat/sleep" face.

Then there are the people peripherally in your life, you kind of know them, they kind of know you. Again, how can you be sure what they think of you? Have they told you directly? Again, what does it really matter even if they have expressed "weirdo" at you - people like that usually pour crap on everyone because they are sad individuals that hurt inside and only snarking on others will make them feel marginally "better" about themselves.

Finally there are the people who matter - close friends, family and the like. They are at least more likely to voice an opinion and it may mean more to you since you're likely to want their approval. So what do they really think - do you know or are you putting thoughts in their mind? It boils down to wanting approval - do you really need people's approval to do what you want to do? Be who you want to be? This is a big one. I once believed I really needed this from everyone - you can't please everyone not even by tying yourself in knots. Much better to know who you are and be yourself.

See, it seems to me that a lot of the time when people are worried about what other people think (and I speak as someone who used to be like that) it is mostly them reflecting their own self criticism out onto other people. "Not feeling good enough" gets placed by proxy into what we think others are thinking about ourselves. When we can learn to shut off our own inner self criticism them there's a pretty good chance that we'll stop projecting it onto others and realise people aren't being critical of us at all because they're so wrapped up in their own life instead.

[Laura_7]

Learningtolive,  you might have a look here for a few thoughts:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,186018.msg1656055.html#msg1656055

You might look for a gender therapist, who could guide you along the way... and help and support you...

there is a link to a brochure of the NHS, that might also help...

I'd say keep at it, and try to reach out...
there is always the possibility of a better day tomorrow


*hugs*

[Nicole]

I stopped caring about what idiots were saying when I found out that I was better off than what they would ever be.
I was happier, healthier, smarter & richer.

[Ltl89]

Thanks everyone for your posts.  I've been reflecting on this a lot and I realize this fear is of my own making.  I have absolutely no self esteem and no confidence in myself.  Truth be told, I'm terrified around people. It doesn't matter who they are,  and I realize this is extremely unhealthy.  Even my own family are kept at arms length to a degree as I am afraid to expose myself too much in fear of judge!sent, especially since I know the trans stuff isn't acceptable for them so I have to hide a big part of who I am.  It doesn't matter whether someone is a stranger, family or friendr, your presence will make me feel vulnerable to a degree and a wall will be put up to protect myself.  Hell there are people out there who think they know me, but dont know a thing of what i really think or feel cause I'm so hidden.  My teen years were the worst of this as imjust felt like a complete robot and couldnt accept myself.  But I'm tired of being such a freaking mess and always obsessing over what others will think.  The social phobia needs to be overcome.  Transitioning was a way for me to address an important part of how I feel, but its not a cure all by itself.  I have major social issues and an extremely poor self esteem that needs to be fixed.  I can't ignore this anymore and I need to start fixing myself.  And while I'm glad to be transitioning and I think its a positive move forward, it requires a lot of inner strength and confidence which I lack.  I just want to be a normal person and tired of always feeling like a weirdo freak.  But that's going to take a lot of work for me cause I've always felt poorly about myself.

Another issue I have is accepting my appearance.  I still hope that will continue to change, but it kills me that I still have masculine features that will never go away.  I'm so jealous of ciswomen.  I'd give everything to to just pass.  But I don't.  And I feel like people must think I'm a freak or something.  This in between stage is really hard.  Me, the person who just wants to blend or hide is put out to the forefront because of their unique appearance.  Granted I still present male and there is much I change my appearance, but I feel so self conscious about how I look.  It makes me feel so uncomfortable to know that I look the way I do.   And its one thing to be trans and a whole other thing to be trans and non passing.  It really hurts me and it makes me feel so awkward around other people.  I just wish it were different cause its so disorienting to look so differently from how you wish you looked.  Anyway, I still have a lot of work to do, so maybe things will improve.  But its very awkward at the moment cause I feel like I look like he man and its soul crushing to me.  Sometimes I think about putting myself up on a dating site and then I just say forget it cause neither a straightor gay guy would want to date someone that looks like me.  I'm an equal opportunity repellent,lol. But yeah, the physical dysphoria is still a huge issue and its mainly cause I don't make more changes that I wish I could.

Anyway, I started wellbutrin again today so hopefully it helps me a bit and I have therapy on Saturday.  I go to a gender therapist, but I think its time I start seeing someone for my anxiety/depression in general.  Maybe two therapists will do good..  Eitherway, something needs to give cause i feel like my depression and anxiety is regressing big time and i need to address it or totally shut down.  I really hope I can get better.  So much of my life has past me by and I have no one to blame other than myself for not taking charge of my own life and accepting responsibility for myself.

Thanks for putting up with my craziness.  Its so therapeutic to speak from the heart and just get these feelings out somewhere.

[enigmaticrorschach]

well glad i can be of some help though i feel like i was just making my advice about me. i got lucky in my therapist though because he's a top notch psycho therapist as well as he has enough knowledge to help with my gender dysphoria. i didnt really like therapy until i found him online and long and behold, i've stayed for a little over a year now. i wish you luck in your findings. i'll give you a pointer. try to find a therapist who isnt your typical therapist. like mines is less traditional and is more so out there and just extremely fun. if you actually live near NJ and if i'm actually allowed to, i could suggest him to you. other than that, i wish you all the best

[Sophie Lou]

I have been comforted by author Brene Brown, who is a shame researcher. She has a book called "The Gifts of Imperfection: Letting Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are."

It's an excellent resource! Very practical and helpful.

The internal part of our transition needs to be just as radical as the external part, imo. If we have been hiding who we are for x amount of years, it's going to take time to create new and supportive habits of self-love, care, and support.

One of the best strategies for me to not care about what other people think is to keep a positive charge. Once we start talking badly to ourselves in our head, it's all uphill. We need to be unconditionally kind, loving, and GENEROUS with ourselves.

"I am beautiful, I am lovely, and I do approve of myself". I say this to myself constantly! If I start to sniff some negative, disparaging chatter, I stop myself and begin this affirmation. I have others as well.

As an earlier poster stated, a mindfulness or meditation practice has been so helpful for me. On one level it helps me to actually start to hear that chatter in my head. Often times we numb so that we don't feel, and those voices are harder to hear...but they are still there, which makes it harder to instill real change in how we love ourselves.

Our bodies are truly amazing. They believe anything that we tell it. It doesn't matter what it is.

So we need to start telling ourselves the things that our imaginary, loving and supportive parents would say to us when we start to unravel internally. Most of us are actually going through a second childhood anyway. We have a unique experience to parent ourselves with unconditional love ALWAYS.

[Adam (birkin)]

Hm, this was a bit of a process for me but let me see.

One big thing for me is reminding myself that these people don't know me. If they knew all the things I thought, all the things I felt, all the things I went through to get to this point, they wouldn't judge me or laugh at me. If people knew how much their stupid  little comments about transition felt, they'd never say them.

Also, I realized this long ago, but there's always gonna be someone out there who is going to hate on you. Always. You can't make everyone happy. I found that truth when I came out about liking women and began dressing differently. When I was pretending to be a perfect little straight girl, I had people like me and be nice to me, but it was on the condition that I acted and looked a certain way. I had people who didn't respect me then too, because I appeared to be a pushover with no conviction. When I finally said screw it and came out and whatnot, yeah, I got a lot of idiots who gave me trouble. But I also got people who felt inspired and empowered by my strength in accepting myself and being authentic (well, minus the transition part but I wasn't there yet lol). I chose to make those people centerpieces in my life. So many people struggle to be who they really are and someone who does get to that point can command a lot of respect from others. For those who don't respect it, just walk away in whatever way you can, you have no obligations to them.

In summary I would take the plunge and be yourself as much as you can. You'll get idiots, but most of them you don't have to indulge (unless they're really worth it to you like family or whatnot). But you'll also get people who will respect you and value you as you are, which is rewarding, and those are the ones who are worth investing time and energy in. 

[stephaniec]

the reality this aint an easy thing to do, but it can get so beautiful doing it.

[mmmmm]

Another issue I have is accepting my appearance.  I still hope that will continue to change, but it kills me that I still have masculine features that will never go away.  I'm so jealous of ciswomen.  I'd give everything to to just pass.  But I don't.

While there are many trans women who don't pass and are perfectly fine with that, there are other who have big trouble in everyday life because of that... and the only solution is to change the things which can be changed, to shift the apperance towards feminine. Hormones and time alone can only do so much... while you will read on this forum extremly often, how it is all about the attitude, and about the confidence, and not about the looks... it is not really true. When people look at you, it is mostly about how you look which will determine if you pass. You need to be realistic and honest with yourself, diagnose which are the masculine features that would prevent you from passing, and look for possible solution. Passing happens "just like that" for a very few lucky ones... for everybody else it is a process, which takes a lot of work and often a lot of money, before they feel comfortable and happy with their appearance.

[JoanneB]

When I started this "Process" six years ago all I knew I absolutely needed to do was to sort out how to take these two seemingly disparate aspects of myself, the very overtly male on the outside and the always there feelings of being a woman on the inside, to live in harmony. I learned that suppressing the female side was also killing me.

Like you this inner turmoil made me a very private person. I was always on "High Alert", on guard to keep myself from exposing a fatal flaw that someone will rip me apart with. I was afraid of people no matter who they were to me.

When I started therapy my goal was to loose all the emotional baggage that was running, and most importantly, ruining my life. I needed to learn how to think differently about myself. Learn new ways to cope. Transitioning was the absolute last thing on my mind. Been there twice before.

Funny the turns life takes.

[Ltl89]

Thank you to everybody here.  I miss interacting on here like I used to cause its really nice to know you're not alone and that there are other people like you who are dealing with the same stuff. I've been isolating myself lately, but its very therapeutic to talk these feelings out and not keep everything bottled up.   Thank you for giving me your patience and understanding throughout my transition.  Having a space where i can collect my thoughts is really invaluable.

Thank you for the suggestion with the Brene Brown book.  My therapist says it's a good book as well,  so I'm giving it a shot.  It looks very promising and well worth the read.  Anyway, I feel much better after my last therapy session.  My main issue is that I see everything in a negative lens, especially myself.  I have to start trying to to take a positive view on things.  While I'm not hapy with my current situation,  it's my own fault for burrying myself with negativity and hoplessness.  It sets a patern that needs to be changed through more positive thinking and not always assuming the worst case scenario. And yeah stuff happens that sucks sometimes, but you can't let it defeat you and ruin everything in your life. While its been a difficult week for me with my father visiting and having to deal with more family drama, I need to find ways to cope with the stress and anxiety in my life.  My therapist has really advocated that I start trying meditation and breathing exercises.   I've been told this by a lot of people before,  but always thought it was a useless placebo;however, my therapist is encouraging it.  She said it will be a useful tool to help me control my anxiety when it comes on.  I don't know... We'll see.  I will say though that I think retraining my way of seeing things will help in a huge way.  And while I'm a bit embarrassed to be taking an antidepressant,  it's helped before I decided to quit taking it.

As for the future,  instead of worrying about what I can't change,  I need to focus on the things that I can. Focus on the positives and work torwards it.  There is a lot I can do to change my appearance in a direction that would make me more comfortable and less awkward everyday.  Whenever I start feeling depressed with how i look and get hopeless about my transition, i just need to shift it towards the things i can change.  I just need to be more proactive instead of hoping hormones will do almost  everything.  Thank you mmmm, your comment really helped me put things in perspective and helped me feel less hopeless about my future.  Just got to remember this is all a process and

And most importantly,  I need to stop being ashamed of who I am.  I can remember being a teenager praying to god to take the trans feelings/gay away.   Always thinking i must be an evil sinner and needed to repent.  But every time I tried to repress myself and try to do what I felt everyone wanted and expexted of me, it always led to depression.  Fact is I'm going to disappoint people and some will judge,  thats life, but the majority of people out there are kind and have good hearts.  Other than my very disappointed family and a few intolerant strangers,  I've been shocked by how caring and accepting people can be.  And the world has been more accepting than ever.  So even though I've been called mean names and witnessed other messed up things during my transition,  I need to remember that is the minority of my interactions and it shouldn't determine how I see everyone else.  Focus on the many positives in life and start utilizing more positive energy.