How can I hold on?

[KylieW]

Okay... This is my first time admitting this to the public. To anyone but myself. But, I think the relative anonymity of the internet is the only thing that's giving me strength enough to make this post. After spending years (late teens, early twenties) trying to beat myself down... about a year ago I came to terms that I'm transgender. I want to start MtF transition but there's a catch....

I'm in the military. Living like this, each day not able to do anything about it, having to go through life in silence is painful. It kind of sucks to say but I've gotten pretty good at burying these feelings, simply because I can't afford to let them slip out. I want to transition. But I can't. My enlistment doesn't end for nearly three years and in fact, I actually want to re-enlist but if I have to chose between the military and who I am... I don't think I could do it any longer.

Did anyone else experience a point in their lives when they absolutely couldn't tell anyone? How did you get through it without it tearing you apart? I'm terrified of even going to a counselor because if anyone found out that this is who I am... I'd get discharged. I guess what I'm asking is... Can someone give me something to hold on to while I wait?

[Cin]

I'm like you, I can't come out to anyone, I can't tell anyone, I don't feel very good about myself either. I can't do much for at least 3 or 4 more years. I can only tell you what works for me, and that's learning more about my gender dysphoria, and avoiding my 'triggers'.

And while it's no substitute to coming out in real life, you can make friends online and express yourself, they might accept you for whatever you are, and what little you want to share about your real self with them. You can learn more about yourself by interacting with other people here, you will feel that you're not alone, and that means a lot.

[Athena]

Take each day at a time, don't worry about it being 3 years before you can start to transition. Worry about getting through today. Tomorrow will bring it's own challenges, worry about making it through tomorrow then. Don't add to your burden by worrying about more then you need to.

[Kylie]

First of all, you have a lovely name

Second, do you have the money to pay cash for counseling?  I was very worried about using my insurance, and having that in my records so I paid cash for a time.  I switched to insurance after I felt comfortable enough with my counselor who assured me that she would keep the reasons for my therapy nondescript.  I think she just put it down as some sort of life adjustment issue when billing insurance.

Hopefully things keep moving in the current direction and you will have the opportunity to re-enlist as your true self if that is what you still want to do.

[Sihaya]

Either way, Thank You for your service. Being in the military is hard for anyone, even more so for one who is trans. Seek therapy from an outside military source. until you can make the move. Then you will be able to decide your next step. You are not alone!! This site can help you!

[KylieW]

Thanks all. I kind of figured I would have to go outside to a civilian, but hearing that it's not something that every counselor is required to report helps. That was honestly my main fear. If I can find one that will help me be discreet about this, I think it might go a ways to getting me through these next few years.

[Melizza]

KylieW, talking to a counselor helps a lot, this will help you while you are able to start your transition. Try to be patient, in a couple of years you will look back and will understand that waiting was not that bad and that all your experiences will help you be the woman you are supposed to be.

In the meanwhile use this forum, it is full of beautiful and amazing people that will listen to you and that will share their experiences and goals, you have come to the right place and you will be able to ask any questions you may have.

Hugs!!!!!

Mel

[JoanneB]

About the only thing a civi counselor "Is required to report" is self harm. While some people may think doing something about  being trans constitutes "self harm", in the real world it does not rise to that level. What the military requirements are I have no clue. I do know that a requirement for a national security clearance is self-reporting anything you may feel might put you at risk. Plenty of wiggle room there.

I spent decades feeling I was trapped, there there nothing I can do to help myself. Then pile on the tons of shame and guilt for just feeling that you are trans. A good place to start is loosing that baggage. I started reading a lot of different self-help and inspirational books. Some you know right away are not for you, others just speak volumes.

My therapist also turned me on to Mindful Meditation, pioneered by Jon Katat-Zin. It helps in stopping the noise. The anxiety of worrying about a future you cannot predict, much less control. To help live in the here and now. Not to live in the past. He has written quite a few books. There is also a DVD course put out by "The Great Courses". Some libraries carry it. THe cost is about $125, lots of disks.

Will these suggestions will be enough for like an 8 year time frame? Especially if you do start feeling better about yourself, gain self esteem and self worth, loose shame?

It depends. I started this journey six years ago knowing I needed to make peace with myself. I needed to actually handle being trans, rather then the lifetime of not handling route I was on. I still present as male because of other commitments in my life. I also have a lot more options available then you have. Some of which I have exercised like HRT and TG support groups as well as a gender therapist.

When faced with questions about life, I found the question to which most questions can be answered by - "Which Pain is Worse?"

As you work out answers, the Baby-Steps which help you grow overall as a person are still good to take.

[Alissa16]

I was 13 years active..never came out while I was in but suffered greatly because of it..You should look on the
VA's website.. Look up VA Dir 2013/003..See if you can contact VA mental health andget advice..I do hear of
tg's still on active that get VA help..
During the years I was in you didn't dare come forward..automatic bad conduct..Its better now, but still..
I'd also try to contact veterans support groups that might help show a way..
Good luck my heart is with you sis..
Alissa 

[katrinaw]

Hi Kylie, I've hidden my Dysphoria and suppressed any anxiety for about 50 odd years, if you include the time up to the Internet being available to the masses where I discovered GID! (I was not alone!!!) I knew (well remember) from at least 4YO... but was too scared to open to anyone after an early attempt with my mother and Grandmother....
Got Married, Had kids, had Grandkids... this year its my turn and time to be me...
I came out to a close friend in November, and will to 2 others very soon, my family will know once I have an income stream again... But I am very nervous on the outcome, and will be emotionally screwed if the worst happens... but once Dysphoria becomes unmanageable, you really have no choices.

Good luck with discovering yourself and planning 

Hugs Katy

[KylieW]

Bad day today. Last night I had a dream that I was... me. Who I should be. Who I AM. I was happy. A happiness I don't remember feeling before. It was unreserved joy. I still felt the same when I first woke up before I remembered that I'm living a lie.

I don't remember where I read it, but it makes me think of a quote I saw a long time ago. "I dreamt I was in Heaven. And when next I opened my eyes, I found myself in Hell; only to discover I had been living here the entire time."

I'm thinking about talking to the ship's Psycho about this now. It will be a while before I see land again and I'm not sure if I can make it even that long without doing something stupid. I feel like a coward. I still have a little over three years of service left to my country. I'm just shy of the halfway mark (6 year contract). But lately... It's gotten too hard. My division officer already had to talked to me one because I lashed out at one of the guys under my charge for no reason. I'm tired of living a lie... but I can't help but feel like a coward at the same time for not being able to give to the military what I promised. I just... want to be me.


I'm rambling. Sorry. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can wait until we return to port or if I should just admit what I am to the military and see if they can help. I'm terrified of either outcome, honestly. I just wish there was someone I could hug, heh.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

[JoanneB]

Kylie; you are not living a lie. You are living a life you need to, TODAY. We do what we have to to get by, one day at a time. And Coward! OMG! Do you have any idea what it takes to admit that there may be something wrong, much less want to DO something about it?

Yes, living this way will make you want to lash out at times. God... ask my wife about that! Over the course of our 30+ years together I turned into a real bastard. All because what I felt I needed to live up to. The image. The Hollywood Facade of a man I felt I needed to be.

You have people here who care about you, your situation, and most importantly, been along a similar road. We all need to do what we believe is the right thing for us and only you yourself knows for sure what that path may be.

Any sacrifices you decide to make will be temporary. Keep your eye on the target. Prepare yourself. Remind yourself that things can and will change. Take the baby steps you can today. There are options to potentially blowing up your world. 

[Vanny]

Thank you for your service firstly.  I can say first hand that this period (yours now) will pass as others will after this one.  I had to believe in me and find a good place to exist.   Perhaps counseling?  You will make it.  We can listen.   Gladly.  Because you give us freedom, we should help you feel the same!   Yes?   Count me in.   


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[KylieW]

Joanne; Sorry, I was feeling kind of crappy when I wrote that. I know I'm not living a lie right now but I just wish I could say "Hey, this is me." Y'know? But... I do feel like a coward a bit. I promised six years to my country and now I'm not sure if I can make it that far. I never like breaking promises but this feels like what I'm doing. I dunno if that makes sense. I just wish I didn't have to chose between my country and being happy.

I did look into command directives. The only thing that is required to be reported is suicidal or homicidal thoughts and drug usage. I might talk to someone about this. See what my options are.

Vanny; Thanks, sweetheart. That means a lot.

Kylie; you are not living a lie. You are living a life you need to, TODAY. We do what we have to to get by, one day at a time. And Coward! OMG! Do you have any idea what it takes to admit that there may be something wrong, much less want to DO something about it?

Yes, living this way will make you want to lash out at times. God... ask my wife about that! Over the course of our 30+ years together I turned into a real bastard. All because what I felt I needed to live up to. The image. The Hollywood Facade of a man I felt I needed to be.

You have people here who care about you, your situation, and most importantly, been along a similar road. We all need to do what we believe is the right thing for us and only you yourself knows for sure what that path may be.

Any sacrifices you decide to make will be temporary. Keep your eye on the target. Prepare yourself. Remind yourself that things can and will change. Take the baby steps you can today. There are options to potentially blowing up your world.

[Dodie]

Hey Kiddo,
Things are changing.. for us.. I know if you are on Federal job GRS coverage can not be denied.  I don't know the military code for transgender persons.. would they kick you out...?? Or let you transition.
Anyway, therapy would be so important.. don't they have rules like civilian population on therapy where the therapist keeps tight lipped. 
I know how you feel.. I was in the military for 32 years... I was married....lol.
Seriously take care of yourself.. the answers are within you..
Dodie

[KylieW]

I'm not entirely sure, honestly. The Pysch I spoke with doesn't know. She is looking into it but as far as she can tell me right now it might be something that can get me separated if I can "prove" that I actually have the Dysphoria. The one thing I'm most worried about though is how will I be able to start the transition, and finding a job that will be accepting of it. I know it's an issue everyone faces but the Military is the only life I've known. Would I be better of admitting during an interview what I plan on doing, or should I establish myself there first? I still need to look into VA, I have heard that they will help with almost everything save GRS itself.

That is, if it's something that will even get me separated. I'm not sure if that's something I even want though. Like I said, it feels like I'm having to chose between the "honorable" thing and serving my country, or breaking a promise/contract just to be happy. I've always thought of myself as an honorable person and if I make a promise I try not to break it... If I hear from the Psych and she says I can separate... I don't know what I'm going to choose.

But, to answer the question, Dodie, the Psych is only required to report substance abuse or suicidal/homicidal thoughts. This is something that the Psych isn't required to report and she said that if I decide to stay in then nothing will come of it, though I'll still be more than welcome to talk to her about any other issues that crop up, or if I'm having a bad day or whatever. It's actually really nice, knowing that there's someone out there that knows my "secret" that I can talk to.