Keeping Sh*t Together

[Peacebone]

Content warning: Mental health

Oh and a note: I'm FtM... My face is very feminine (I used to do my eyebrows and they haven't grown back  ), I'm poor and can't usually afford up to date clothing... I'm pre-T and still waiting for the GIC. I get read as a masculine woman most the time, often as a lesbian... I feel I look very wrong/feminine

I've finally come out in work... I basically do outreach type work for disabled adults. Work has been great, in the sense that managers are happy to let me have GIC appointments, are changing my clients (my job is very gendered), have immediately stopped calling me my birth name. I need to come out to colleagues, which is a stress... As I work with several clients and sometimes in day centres, I'll constantly need to out and explain myself.

I feel a bit confined in terms of meeting people, as I'm feeling anxious at the moment with outing myself, especially as somebody I thought was a friend had an issue and I had to move house because of it. I feel I've taken a huge knock back in terms of confidence. Even yesterday I was talking to a cute guy and then told him and he just looked really awkward and embarrassed and it killed the conversation. I don't go out in bars often anyway, but I do get anxious when people talk to me in non-queer settings because I have to always wonder their reaction... If they'll not care, look awkward, be aggressive ect...

I don't feel especially comfortable in my local queer space either, due to personal reasons. I have a good set of friends, a supportive mother and a boss who's being nice to me, so I guess I'm lucky in that respect...

I've just had a lot of bad stuff happen to me as a kid, a lot of street harassment growing up, so I've invested a lot of my adulthood trying to be "normal" and "invisible". I feel like I'm becoming more visible and a target again... Does that make sense?

I'm sorry if I come across as moaning. I know a lot of people have it worse. I just struggle with my mental health anyway, so this is just extra stress. I know I don't "pass", I just need tips on dealing with coming out again and again and managing negative reactions... It's just doing my head in at the moment.

[Cindy]

Hi,

Nearly every trans* person carries post traumatic stress disorder. It is so common in our community it is almost part of our syndrome.

To be brutal the only way to deal wih it is with a professional therapist who can and do help. Maybe you can find a professional therapist to talk too?

[Peacebone]

Yeah, I think I will get therapy... There's a charity which does some sessions with gay/bi men (I'm too old for the trans counselling).

Like, I think I cope well... But this is gonna be a really tough patch. I'm determined not to fall back in to some destructive things I used to do to myself... I'm determined to vent anger in the gym and to survive this and when I come out the other end, I want to use my experience to help people.

[Cindy]

Good man,

OK, I fell into an alcohol fuelled depression for many years. Avoid booze and drugs, they don't help. The gym is good, looking forward is good. For you as a FtM (?). sorry if I got that wrong} do male things, live your life and keep looking forward.

You can do this, you really can.

[Peacebone]

I don't know what "male things" are to be honest... But binding/wearing "men's clothes"/wearing "masculine" scents helps me.

Like, I'm glad I've finally discovered why I feel so wrong in my body, I just need to ride the next couple of years out.

[Cindy]

Ahh neither do I!!

I suppose I meant do things that make you comfortable in your affirmed gender.

[BenKenobi]

I don't know what "male things" are to be honest... But binding/wearing "men's clothes"/wearing "masculine" scents helps me.

Like, I'm glad I've finally discovered why I feel so wrong in my body, I just need to ride the next couple of years out.

I'd recommend doing some people watching. Just be at a very public area (a mall or something) and sit by. Watch how men walk, listen to how they talk, etc. It takes a lot of practice but you'll get it.

I haven't really bothered with it myself though. How I act or walk doesn't make me less of a man. I defied gender roles as a girl, what difference does it make as a guy?

In the end, you do you because it's authenticity. People will take note of something that's "off" whether it's your gait or how you sit if it's not something that's the norm for you. If you do something that may be deemed "effeminate" but it's natural to you, no one will really care.