Coming out blues

[JenniferGreen]

I can't do this. I feel like I have made a big mistake. Why the flip would I want to tell everyone I know that I am trans. I feel like this whole thing is some kind of alternative reality.  I am not sure I can face the kids and people on the street as Jennifer . I can't pass and I am going to get abused by everyone? They are all going to think I am some kind of weirdo. Oh god this is such a headache. Jx

[Cindy]

Just take a deep breathe! You are just bouncing off the wall. Perfectly normal after you recent events. You are doing great.

Hugs

[suzifrommd]

I can't pass and I am going to get abused by everyone? They are all going to think I am some kind of weirdo. Oh god this is such a headache. Jx

Some of the happiest trans women I know don't pass. They don't encounter problems often, if ever.

I felt just like you did, first time I went out. I didn't pass well (back then), but no one gave me the slightest trouble. A couple of stares, but that's it.

Best decision I ever made.

Hugs Jennifer. I hope this helps.

[JenniferGreen]

Thanks girls. Friends now know and I have had to face the questions. What do you wear. Are you a ->-bleeped-<-. Are you going to have your bits cut off. Do you sleep with guys. Good god. I want to go back in the box. I have tried to say that it is not about any of that stuff.  It's ok as they need to adjust themselves and none of it is malicious . I was safer in my box and now I am not sure I am strong enough.  Who's idea was this anyway? Oh crap it was mine! Oh god. I feel like I had not thought this through but I had.

[Cindy]

Well, I was terrified. I was certain I would lose my job, my family, any respect that I had. I would be laughed at, my work colleagues would shun me.

I would be a joke.

What happened? My colleagues love me and respect me, my staff both male and female love me. My family, even my 94yr old mother in law love me. I finally have friends who are true friends - first time in my life. The shop staff I go to talk to me and respect me with open acceptance.
No one has ever laughed at me. No one has shunned me.

I have been on TV, radio, newspapers, so people know I am a transgender woman - and they don't care, they accept me as the woman I am.

What have I lost? Heavy drinking abuse, lonliness, sadness, suicidal tendencies, depression.

What have I gained?

LIFE

Hugs Hon, you can do this.

[JenniferGreen]

Ok I got drunk last night to stop all the crap going on in my head right now. Not a great idea but there are worse.  I wish I could just make all this go away but I can't? I just feel so exposed/vulnerable. Think I need a new wardrobe as well. This really is a crazy thing. I suppose in a way this is all my choice and I am in control . It feels like the opposite though. I am spending time thinking if this is just something I made up because of loosing my partner/ kids/ daughter having cancer aged 4. Being made redundant etc etc. it's not I know but do I have to do this? It's a bit late now I suppose. Why am I so confused. What if have got this all wrong. Oh god. Think I will go to the pub and forget this all over again. Jx

[Cindy]

Ye, get drunk again, wake up feeling like crap. Walk to the train station, think again that I can just step in front of it?
Or.

Be you, be happy live.

Jennifer I have no sympathy. I sold my body, I lost my soul, I lived in gutters and I found out what it meant to be the joke, the pro the druggie.

Go for it. Enjoy it. Relax as some dirty unwashed creep wants to be sucked so you can get a hit.

I know you are not at that level; yet.

The alternative?

Live, be proud. Look the world in the eye and just say.

I am Jennifer, I am proud. And I don't give a sod what anyone else thinks.

Some people call that passing.

I call it being alive. I rather like it!

I think you will a well.Call Clare and talk, she is now a sister. Cry,  it is not a weakness, it is strength.

I'll look over you, I think you know that.

Hugs

Cindy

[Rachel]

Drinking will not help. You will just wake up feeling sick.

Every time you are out of your comfort zone you will be exposed to fear and the potential for self. The feeling of being afraid and doing it anyway, the feeling of being yourself is so empowering. If you are too far out of your comfort zone you may wish to do it in stages.

[JoanneB]

Welcome to the wild and whacky world of "WTF am I Doing???" meltdowns. I've had a few, as well as quite a few too many trying to turn off that noise in my head.

I get them to end by constantly reminding myself "I Know What Does Not Work". I spent a good 40 years trying things one way. The way I thought, was trained, was expected to do/be, by others. Even going far above and beyond that in the false belief that just maybe I might finally start being a guy. But like many ex g/f's have said "You are not like other guys...."

Overall, I am happier now.

A wise person long ago once said "With great risk comes great rewards" or something like that. I think history forgot to include the real trick is knowing good risks from bad ones.

[JenniferGreen]

Welcome to the wild and whacky world of "WTF am I Doing???" meltdowns. I've had a few, as well as quite a few too many trying to turn off that noise in my head.

I get them to end by constantly reminding myself "I Know What Does Not Work". I spent a good 40 years trying things one way. The way I thought, was trained, was expected to do/be, by others. Even going far above and beyond that in the false belief that just maybe I might finally start being a guy. But like many ex g/f's have said "You are not like other guys...."

Overall, I am happier now.

A wise person long ago once said "With great risk comes great rewards" or something like that. I think history forgot to include the real trick is knowing good risks from bad ones.

Yeah I was warned by Cindy this was in the post.  I am actually feeling a bit better now. Sorry for the meltdown.  I just watched the British movie 'Pride' about the lgbt community supporting the miners strike in 1985. I recommend it as a tonic. It reminded me that the world is not so bad if you can find allies.  Over the past week I have done that and I am going to focus on that instead .

As ever thanks for the support. Also don't worry about the drinking.  I did not go to the pub in the end. (well truth be told I am going there later but not to drown sorrows).  And being Irish it's in the DNA.  its also frowned upon in Ireland if you drink for the wrong reasons.  So that's me in the cultural dog house for last nights behaviour. I've done the drugs thing but  have had to hang up my glow sticks years ago. Still a good dance in the old girl yet when required. I Won't be resigned to the gutter without a god dam fight and I am not going to use drugs and alcohol to get this under control. I will get a bit smashed now and again but only in the name of fun. Thank you all for the things you wrote.  This support really does help me. I think I am learning to be honest with my self a lot more. I practice on here and then take out to my life in Bristol. Your all saint's. This site is better than therapy for me.  Who would have thought it.

Ps next meltdown in a few days I am sure.  You have been warned!

[rosetyler]

They are all going to think I am some kind of weirdo.

Nope, there are lots of accepting cis people in this world.    Good on you for doing self care for your LGBT self with that Pride movie.

Are you going to have your bits cut off. Do you sleep with guys.

Tell them that any medical procedures are between you and your doctor, and that orientation does not equal identity.  Hand them a trans101 info sheet or something.

Good god. I want to go back in the box.

Take a few deep breaths.  Here's a hug if you want one.

Drinking doesn't really solve your problems so be careful there.  Do you have anyone IRL you can get support from?

These "what the hell am I doing?" feelings...I've had them dozens of times since I left the Mormon Church.  Life is an adventure sometimes for sure.

[gennee]

Coming out is something that we do throughout our lifetime.I  felt so relived when I cam out to my spouse, son, and church family. I don't regret it one moment. I still use my male voice. To me the freedom to be myself trumps how others may feel about me.

[Ltl89]

Believe me, sometimes I feel so embarrassed that i want to run back in the closet.  However, the reality has been much easier than my fears. Other than my family, most people are tolerant of me.  But then i feel like people must laigh at me behind my back and think I'm a complete weirdo.  My family's attempts to instill fear into me doesn't help with that.  But just becausw we are different it doesn't make us bad people any less deserving of fair treatment.   I like to believe most people feel that way and dont secretly judge.  Good luck, I know its difficult ans that transitioning presents a roller coaster of emotions.   You just have to go through them sometimes.

[JenniferGreen]

Thanks all. That's a real tonic to read your posts.  I am off to the GP this morning to discuss the next steps.  Possibly referral to GIC ( gender identity clinic, UKs NHS service for trans people). Doubt if that will happen as you have to prove that you have been living full time in your chosen gender for a year before you get help with gender issues.  Still I will ask.  Thanks rosetyler for your advice.  I liked how you kept it practical and direct.  Oh and yes I will take that hug. Thanks.  love
Jennifer