Hello, my name is Deaths, though I wish I had a real name I could give - sadly I do not. I'm 27 and will be 28 in a couple of weeks. Ever since I was a child I knew I was different... different in what way, I was not sure. I'm a Hispanic male, and for most of my childhood I never felt really comfortable being me, as a child I kept to myself when around my siblings, during family gatherings I would hang out with all the boys - my cousins and my brothers, it was the only time I ever felt like I was almost "normal" but it was never enough.
when I got older and began puberty I knew something was off, and the thought of being anything else was not even in my head, all I knew was "this feels wrong", I got older and as I did the feeling that I wasn't "whole" never went away, but I didn't know what it was... then when I was 24 going on 25 I stumbled onto ->-bleeped-<- and a sub->-bleeped-<- known as /r/transtimelines, I had no idea what it was but I started to look through post after post of people talking and expressing themselves, explain things I had felt and then I saw the first timelines picture post of a woman who became who she felt she was meant to be, and I saw the transformation and it all became clear, I had no idea this was possible... my whole life I felt so... incomplete, but at that moment I felt an overwhelming sense of hope and longing.
For the next few months I would spend hours each night when everyone was asleep reading post after post, learning as much of the terminology as I could so I could understand what these amazing men and women were going through, I read up on HRT and the effect the process has on the body, I read about what to expect and how in the end it's different for everyone... I spent a lot of time crying and hating myself and questioning everything I thought I was, but after a while I accepted it, I didn't need to fight myself anymore and it felt as if this huge veil had been lifted. A few months after that it got so bad that it hurt to just look in the mirror, it hurt to not see what I felt I should see, it hurt that no one knew who I really was or was meant to be and one night I decided I needed to tell someone... so I told the only person I really could, my mom. It was a night that she got home late from work, everyone else was asleep and she just walked in and was very clearly tired, I made small talk but she didn't seem too interested... but then I got serious and she noticed so I asked her to sit down but she didn't... so I did. I began to tell her every I had been up to on the computer for the last several months, after a few minutes of explaining everything I broke down before I could tell her the last little bit and I began to apologize profusely... as she began to ask why I was sorry I told her everything, every little detail about who I felt I was supposed to be and that I felt that I owed it to her to tell her the truth, I was afraid of how she would react, what she would say... even of what she might do, but what I got was nothing but acceptance, she told me that no matter what I chose to do or who I felt I was she would always love me and accept me, and that she would always support me life choices, she hugged me, told me she loved me and said goodnight... I cried softly for a little while longer before going back to my room and continuing my exploration of this newfound clarity in my soul.
Sadly it's been a few years since then and I have yet to do anything about it, but I feel good knowing my mother knows who I am. I have since met the woman I hope to spend the rest of my life with, she knows everything there is to know about me, and has never once shown any negative thoughts on the subject or hesitation about me wanting to someday change, she is the light of my life – as cheesy as she would probably think that sentiment is, it's true. The older I get the more terrified I become that I won't have the chance to be who I am inside, with so many things on my plate at the moment I find I'm putting some of my personal desires on hold... but that is where my soulmate shines, she tries to make sure I don't forget about myself, she is the one who found this site for me, I figured I owe it to her and to myself to take a few extra steps in the right direction for me again.
Thank you for reading I hope that was an adequate introduction.
