So this is just a simple post about me. I am almost 21 years old and I was born a male. For a number of years I have unknowingly suffered from depression. I say unknowingly because I was in denial. I was just unhappy, a lot. Depression is not as a big deal as it used to be now that I am getting help with it. Let's just say the depression came about sometime around 13 when puberty started.
Before that I was fascinated with the idea of changing my gender. I had no idea what ->-bleeped-<- was or gender dysphoria. I actually saw my first gender transition on an episode of Codename: KidsNextDoor. After that I was inspired to fantasize about being the other gender. Ever since then, my fantasy grew to a point that I am experiencing gender dysphoria.
I am displeased with the changes that happened during puberty. I think I would have been better off with a pair of breasts and something more appropriate between my legs. Instead, my body hair grew out, my facial hair grew, I grew taller, and started to get a bigger torso.
I am very jealous of every girl I see. I wish I could wear the same clothes, and have the same anatomical features. I long to be treated as a female in every way.
Yes, my fantasy includes wanting to experience the combining of two bodies in to one. I want to feel what it's like to be wanted as a woman. I believe, however, my dysphoria is not rooted in my arousal with the idea of being a woman. It is just one face of it.
My dysphoria has gotten worse with age. It comes and goes though. Whenever I am happy and content I don't think about wanting to be a woman. The jealousy of women does not go away though. I just feel content with everything in my life and want to keep everything just the way it is, but then life gets worse and I want to be a girl. I am tired of this cycle.
I really am. I just hope one day that I can wake up as a woman and just find long lasting happiness. I know that it is not going to happen like that. I know that if I truly want to be a woman I have to go through being transgender first.
My biggest fear about all this is not passing as a woman or not being happy as a woman. It is getting to a later part in my life and wanting to be a woman. I fear that I will get married, have kids and be super happy for awhile and then when happiness fades my dysphoria will return to haunt me. After that, I may just give in and lose everything that was good in my life.
My goal is to look deep in myself this summer and truly decide whether or not I can live with myself as a man. If I can, I better stay that way for the rest of my life. If not, I my biggest fear will come true.
I honestly hope that I am transgender so I can live my life as female. I guess that it is my biggest hope.
Anyway, that is basically my story. Dysphoria sucks no matter how strong it its. I can pass as a male easily, I can think like one as if it is second nature, I can dress like a man, I can act like one too, but is that the way I should be? I don't know.
Feel free to talk about my story or talk about your own.
Thank you!
Love, Maribeth
