Sacrifices

[enigmaticrorschach]

i feel like i have to sacrifice everything just to please. though i have an income, i can't live by myself, not because i'm not capable, its because i dont want to be alone. i have to please them for them to stay. i have to forget about myself and follow them because they think its best if i do. i love my mother, my sister and my brother. my brother helps me understand and think about my actions, my sister helps me maintain a healthier life style and questions medical choices that are being made, and my mother makes sure i get the best of the best and fights like hell for my well being. i can't live without them, i need them but at the same time, i feel like i'm just throwing myself under the bus. i dont want to die, i want to smile again, i want to be happy, i want to stop surviving but i feel like i can't. i just wish someone would heat my screaming and just save me, but in order to keep living, i feel as if i have to sacrifice the one thing thats true to me in order to live.

[Ms Grace]

Have you told them? Do they know? If yes, are they against you and stopping you? If not, do you believe they will try to stop you from wanting to live?

[enigmaticrorschach]

i dont think they want me to stop living, i just think maybe, i havent said enough. they want me to be happy and healthily, however they believe i'm so heavily influenced by society and others that its society and others that are planting seeds in my head and making think i this or that. they believe if only i get more schooling and education, if i just get out and socialize more than i'll be healthily and happy. all those factors are true, but what remains is that i just can't live with a shell of a me. i want that smile i had when i was standing in karate class, in the mirror just staring and smiling and just beaming with so much confidence, it would be considered illegal. my mother is scared after she went to the doctors with me and she explained what estrogen would do to me both positively and negatively. i've been physically, mentally and emotionally hurt enough and she just doesnt want me hurting myself anymore. my sister thinks its just a reaction of being unstable mentally and i just need to talk it out and put on herbal supplements to help my mood. i'm just so scared to tell them and lose them that i'm willing to bury away myself in order to keep them. i see my therapist tomorrow since i feel int a crisis today and both my mother and my sister are going to be there. i just dont have fight left in me and i want to tell them but i just dont know how

[katrinaw]

Its very hard to tell your family that you are transgendered, very hard, I have been there for years!

All I can say, without knowing all your particulars, is don't leave it too long, Dysphoria may ease, but it always comes back, stronger each time, and as years tick by, your Dysphoria and disappointment in yourself just get more unbearable.

The therapist you are seeing tomorrow, gender related? If so draw him/her into explaining what the issues are and outcomes, just a thought... Finding the right words without blurting it out is very hard... I have tried to steer conversations into where I want them to go, but it just goes south each time.

Good luck with your therapist and mother/sister.

L Katy 

[enigmaticrorschach]

he is both my gender therapist as well as my regular therapist. I just don't know what I could say. I would have him tell them for me but I don't know what to ask him to say. I'm just so scared. I just want it all to stop. I literally could not stop crying for half the day and I'm still holding back tears. are you all sure there isn't a manual somewhere that can tell me what to do 

[FTMax]

You are your best advocate. Take some time and figure out what it is that you want. Make a timeline or a list if that helps. Once you're settled on exactly what you want, take it to your therapist and talk it over. See if they can help you make the list any better. Then get them to help you make it into something that you can easily explain to others. Or ask here.

Since you're seeing the therapist with them today, why not just bring it up and explain your case?

[enigmaticrorschach]

the list thing is a good idea. i really thought about it and i started to write it down however due to changing circumstances as well as lies and manipulation, i'm forced to step back because what i thought was over isnt over anymore. for once i started to believe again but this happened and now i'm stuck again. its like once something good happens, it slips right through my fingers. i cried half the day yesterday and i'm still fighting back tears right now. i'm even more worried i might just break down. i just want to get away from it all. and i was so ecited about going back to school but now thats not possible. sry to complain, i just need to vent

[LordKAT]

I think it is hard to learn independence, but worth the struggle. Short of that, no one can be happy if they always put everyone else first. You may need them, but, you also need be yourself. I think you may be able to bring it up with your therapist and they can help you figure out how to deal with your family. You may be able to bring them into a session with you if you feel it is too much to do on your own.

[Rachel]

It will be difficult to tell them but it will be over in an instant. Not telling them and you will be miserable for a long time. It is your choice. I will be sending positive thoughts your way.

[enigmaticrorschach]

thanx. i just need to take my mind off it off. i feel like i'm just wasting my life away. for now i just need to find something to do to distract myself. i just can't tell them yet until this mess is sorted out and i dont even know how long that will take. even had to resign because my brain is just to foggy and circumstances are getting in my way  but i am happy you all are so patient with my ranting and complaining

[Mariah]

Echo Alcestis, LordKAT hit this on the nose because he is exactly right. I tried putting others before me and backed away from transition back in 2007 and then moved a short time later. The end result is my blood pressure spiked and that nearly killed off my kidney's from all the stress of not dealing with my need for my body to match the gender I know I am. You can't put a price on your health and well being. It was actually much harder for me to tell the doctor so I could get the referral than it was for me to tell the therapist. The nice thing was my blood pressure being through the roof was all it took to make it plainly clear something was terribly wrong. My anxiety over it caused it to take a huge spike. Therapist knew why I went into therapy coming in so at that point it was relief once the anxiety wore off. In those cases where I felt I couldn't tell some one like a doctor out loud I wrote a letter. It was extremely helpful and beneficial in being able to right down how I feel and what is going on with me. If you need to, as LordKAT pointed out, maybe you can bring them into a session to help you accomplish the task of telling the therapist. Remember they are they are to help you. Beyond that all I can do is wish you Good luck and give you Hugs.
Mariah

I think it is hard to learn independence, but worth the struggle. Short of that, no one can be happy if they always put everyone else first. You may need them, but, you also need be yourself. I think you may be able to bring it up with your therapist and they can help you figure out how to deal with your family. You may be able to bring them into a session with you if you feel it is too much to do on your own.

[enigmaticrorschach]

i understand. i already told my therapist i need his help and figuring out a way to tell them, actually he was the one that said he if i wanted him to, he was going to talk to them right than and there but they went somewhere else. honestly, with everything happening right now, i was just going to call it quits for now though now is the best time as well as the most dangerous. i would do the writing thing, but being as vocal as i am and my family basically base your convictions soley on your actions, the only way for them to see that i'm serious is to drag them both with me when i go to NY to start the process