so confused.. genderqueer? androgyne? And I am a mom.

[questioning.everything]

My story is a confusing one. When I was a kid, I always believed that I was born male and that my mom had my sex changed as a baby. I always wondered why she did this because I felt like a boy. I gravitated to male friends, enjoyed 'male things' .. Never had interest in makeup or girly clothes, HATED dresses and how my mom made me dress.

As a preteen I began befriending very seductive acting girls and trying to imitate how they looked and acted to try to fit in. I also identified first as gay and later as pansexual.. as a teen I got into addictions really bad, and at this time I flocked toward males who supplied me with drugs.. exchanged my body as long as they supplied me.. at one point I declared that I was a lesbian and began experimenting with cross dressing and looked very androgynous.

Of course, my addictions took me back to men.. and to get said men I began feminising myself to the extreme.. doing everything I could to convince the world and myself that I am a girly girl, and not see 'the man' in me when I looked at myself. I have long planned for a nose job, boob job, butt implants, lip injections, corsets, etc .. ANYTHING to cover up the man inside of me.

NOW.. at 19 I quit drugs for good, and a few months later I was pregnant by my also freshly sober boyfriend. I always wanted kids so I was overjoyed. I studied child development and parenthood and went on to give birth and breastfeed for almost three years for my childs health benefits. My ex and I broke up halfway through the pregnancy.

Fastforward two years and I wanted another child eventually but dreaded a rekationship with another man. I considered a donor but eventually my family talked me into dating a man I had known sincs I was 11. We were not very careful and I was pregnant within a year. I did not lovd him at all, though I bent over backwards trying to fit into his idea of what a woman is. Who was I trying to convince? Eventually we split as well.. I had a natural home birth, and again am breastfeeding beyond two years. 

I LOVE my kids and they have always called me mama. My youngest is over two now and I have, since he was quite small, been trying to avoid ny inner feelings. The woman is always there, but so is the man. Last year I decided to stop caring what people think of me and start living without doing what society thinks I should.

I shaved my head and loved that for a while, but I am growing my hair out now. I have stopped wearing bras unless they are built into shirts or sports bras. I have stopped buying super girly clothes. I have a feminine shape, and my larger size breasts have always been my way of convincing the world that I am a girl, darn it!! Now they make me constantly uncomfortable. I never used to go braless, though, because I could not stand feeling that I had breasts. Now I hate HAVING to wear bras.

I think I have always known I am an androgyne. I tried so hard to cover it up and make sure nobody could tell. I dont want to have any more kids, and I am sure that is what has provided me the freedom to give up the act.

I Am still confused at how to approach this journey. What do I say? Or do? How do I tell people? What will they say?

I also feel that I am probably gynesexual. I have put myself through years of sexual and emotional abuse by men just to live a HUGE lie. I dont want to do it anymore.

I dont want to live as a man, but I dont feel like I am just a woman. I thought maybe I am genderqueer, but the more I read, the more I see myself as androgyne.

Isnt this complicated? I love my kids and to them I will always be mama. But maybe just a different kind of mama. One who is happier, though, and no longer running from 'the man in there'.

[suzifrommd]

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Yes, being non-binary is very complicated, especially if you want to present that way. If you're happy being viewed as a woman, then much less complicated. Just tell who you want to about your identity. It's really not that hard to explain to people, but getting them to believe you, that's a different story.

But if you're experiencing dysphoria, and feel the need to change to an androgynous presentation, you'll have the challenge that people reflexively gender everyone they meet. I think it's probably wired into our brains. So expect people to try to assign you to one of the two binary genders. Heck, I still find myself binary-gendering non-binary people I know, and I AM non-binary. I haven't ever found a good way to get them not to do that, which is why I ultimately transitioned to live as a binary woman.

[questioning.everything]

I feel like a "mama" because I am to my kids, but dont feel female. I definitely feel in between. I have lied and gone to extremes to not be found out. I never did get plastic surgery, and never would now. I am interested very much in bodybuilding, being hugely muscular, wearing baggy, sporty clothes, short or long hair, never wearing makeup again. I already somwtimes get called sir. I like to style my eyebrows nicely and shave my legs and underarms sometimes(although less now). I never mind being called sir, although she doesnt bother me too much either. I feel no particular attachment to my female body parts, although my chest does make me uncomfortable. I guess I am confused because actually facing these life long feelings is so new, and because I wedged myself deeply into a very stereotypical female role for so long.. I fear how people would react to me, a lot.

[suzifrommd]

I fear how people would react to me, a lot.

I understand this. No one wants to let people down or shock people.

For me it came down to wanting people to know the real me. Feeling like if they just thought I was a normal man, the person they thought they knew wouldn't really be me.

[Aazhie]

Hey there,
figured I'd chime in.  Recently my friend asked me about my T injections.  She is still very much female overall, but wants to do T to bring out more male.  Her ideal is kind of a beefy bearded lady as she likes her boobs.  She identifies as genderqueer but still is fine with female pronouns ha ha, so I wish she were on this forum to explain better.   I think more people than we think can handle differences, and sometimes the people we expect to be more accepting are not and vice versa.  I feel it's important to feel like oneself, whoever that is, provided that isn't an identity foundered in hatred or hurting others.

I think you could justify trying out binding and research top surgery.  It's important to really make sure you want what you think you want- I was scared to death of needles but now I am jabbing myself weekly with T.  if you want it badly enough you will find a way, but it's best to find a way that is as safe and effective as possible. Not wanting to get pregnant again will make a lot of this easier. 

Just want to say i think it's cool you are chill about being mama- they will always be your kids 

[Sisyphus]

As a parent, newly and slowly coming out in terms of gender, I find that a slow shift with the kids has been the best. If yours are young and you keep steady on the course, then their mama will be exactly what they see before them and love - and mine have a much better understanding of gender and the breadth of gender in a more organic manner because of it.  I don't think you have to pick between one or the other - mama or becoming true to you. I think, if you have faith and trust and love for yourself - even though this will not necessarily be an easy journey with the outside world - that blending the two identities (mama and genderqueer) can be very functional, fruitful and solid.