I do not ever think I will be able to be normal, I doubt my living circumstance will ever change. 'Psychic and the world is so 'normal'.
Constantly attacked for my gender, I go through so many ups and downs of depression because people just keep trying to change me.
It is cute to think that your self knowledge alongside the few I you connect to will make the world a better place.
Walking out knowing all eyez are on me. Not because I am great but because people want to tear me down. ME, I am not trans because of my years of abuse as a child through my teenage years. I am not Jesus or Yes.. however you spell that name, I am just a FREAKING TRANSWOMAN TRYING TO LIVE HER LIFE!!!
Then to add there are people who hacked me and misconstrued all the information, making it seem as if I am some bitter person. I went on feedie or foodie people and they made it seems as if I like bigger women, I WAS THE BIGGER WOMAN LOOKING FOR A CAREER IN AN AREA BECAUSE I WAS DEPRESSED!
All day I hear farting sounds and the whole nine yards, even the smell of feces. Feces on the ground, this lady, even when I was sleeping underneath a freeway took a dump outside where we were staying, earlier the next morning their is a literal HUMAN SH-- on the sidewalk!
Pressure to be petite and I intuitively know I need some healing done to myself, meaning healthy 'overeating' but people want to pinch at everything I do... Call it soul, but I am so without that all I want to do is rest, and rest assured of course I will be that 'petite model' not that I crave or strive to be, I just naturally am, since I am in transition I know how I will develop, even before I transitioned! I am so spiritually adept and this culture has tunnel vision to listen and obey that I have a hard time for many reasons.. (side, I actually enjoy typing now, I have grown to not look at the keyboard, but due to a bit of gaming and post similar to this)..
I fit in no where! BUT do not get me wrong, not everyone dislikes me.. but just being around people who see me to use me just irritates me..
I just want a break! A freaking break! Don't look at me, touch me or talk to me!
I work so hard.. I am serious, I run laps in the work and stress I carry around..
I had my food card stolen, drivers license / identification, social security card, federal loans that I never even got are due, my transition is for everyone else I cannot even rub my tits without people sexualizing me.. I walk out and instant sexualizing..
Went to a really cool group this evening though.. Trans related and I was finally in such a long time, well in that aspect able to chill out.. Then the talk of business comes and all is serious.. Working to keep a look up, and I want to rebel.. I want to get all dolled up for myself.
Also what is disrespectful this one trans girl, conceited made it seem as if I had some attraction to her, and threw the community / surrounding area into a whirlwind.. UGH, ignorant to open that mouth, that trif...
In actuality she had attraction to me, obviously to me was because I always identified as a woman but would not shave or wear feminine clothing, I have severe dysphoria and seldomly can peek at myself in the mirror, but I felt one within!
Anyways she would try and flaunt herself and I would intentionally ignore her, but being delusional she runs with it.. Ugh.. Ugh.. I am only attracted to men.. Gentlemen.. Ugh, frustrating, big mouth.. Should get over herself, but no name... (Afraid to give her a comment ever, I comment to Twomen because it is true, but it is genuine and healing in the already difficult world.)
I faced so much bs because of her actions.. If I like transwom/scratch that.. transgirls.. then why do I not like cisgender women.. You know CNN bloggers, worshippers, religious folks the whole nine yard ran with this one.. General public put attractive women around me, not tht I am attracted but I am not going to deny someone a truth, truth is the truth.. Well opinion towards physical beauty and possibly at times more in depth beauty.. Not my cup of tea, but yea! Being widely accepted or widely 'known'.. Good or bad, percise or confused.. My name has a force or is known by more than 'normal'...
Even gay men were trying to attract me.. Just because of this, and possibly because I made one comment about how I like a guys ass, a REGULAR CONVERSATION!! Taken waaaaay too far.. I am not a top all of the sudden, gossip queens & kings! I am not staring at every guys ass that walks by, and people even started stuffing their pants to make it more 'plump'
I have a hard enough time finding a guy, if he thinks I am a psycho, confused (grr) guy, a lesbian (so if you still want me girl, then rawr, but not a lesbo
) then chances are.. I am walking a lonely path..
I am transdrogynous and do not worry so much of what other transgender people think.. If I think my tuck slipped, I laugh, I am just me... My tuck game is on point but just typing, I have had my public moments of doubt.. If I do not shave, maybe my face is sensitive and I do not want to put a razor to my face? I do not use nair, I know, when the chemicals come to my head, I freak, not knocking the nair fans.. but gently time and some water, smooth as a whistle..
My chakras have been so messed up, I can never heal myself.. I have no time alone, and the moment I do, BAM, spilt second.
Except in the social security office I was able to get some healing done..
I have always thought I need a bisexual guy, just because I love who I am.. Not that I am going to be a uber masculine woman, or manly guy one day.. but I want total acceptance.. I will be a feminine woman, I mean I am so feminine (downlow) that I will have no problem.. ugh, the word.. passing one day, all day, every day! Straight guys obviously, but are you down with Fifi?
Not that I will emberass the guy, and actually being in a real honest relationship will alter my mind, change mine and his life.. Ugh, words cannot explain.. Soul mate stuff, or just a relationship.. Yea, just that..
Time wasting in this program, and I 'go hard'.. What can I really do, every moment I spend getting it all together..
I am so psychic, it, it FRUSTRATES ME.. People make mediocre connections, not dissing but I could/should/ have been past this.. Being a 'star' or being seen as a person in need of desperate therapy and help... Help is what you need not want... This is how the world treats people, we walk on the stars! I am not a star btw, I see those when the night time is around and I look towards space.
Can I just be normal?? PLEASE?? I will never recover from this without proper attention.. Seems only I know how to deal with this..
Just want to smoke ganja, but I want to join the CIA one day and you have to be a year sober.. Choices... And an arising 10.00 an hour security job, obtaining my firearms soon and eventually a baton.. CPR & Chemical Agent, down!
Tired of these organized games, I will continue to ignore em. Make so many assumptions to one person and expect them to pick up all of everyone pieces, how about control yourselves... I am still the same person, I will change no matter what.. So what my interest changed, still me and much more advanced, in my own.. Get over it..
People naturally change, let me be the wind.. Gosh!
