Decisions (and responsibilities)

[Ian68]

Many of us, I think, agonize over how living truthfully may influence our families and friends.  Yet, there's no choice that can ever take precedence over truth in this case.  And there's nothing bad or wrong or less than about who we are.

The hardest thing for me has always been the responsibility I feel toward my family.  When I thought I was gay at age 9, I suffered because I knew that my family would be unhappy.  I felt responsible for their happiness, but also knew that ultimately, I must be as I am and nothing else.  And I knew that there was nothing wrong with being transgender or liking women, but I still felt guilty because that wasn't the reality my family knew.  I also know and I knew then that I bear more responsibility than my sibling or cousins. 

So, I just never spoke of it.  I never articulated why I wore men's clothing, or corrected my name, or anything.  Until last year.  I don't want to reject my family, even though they've hurt me, and sometimes still do.  I can if necessary but I don't want to reject them. 

Now, I'm at the point of making decisions that will influence the rest of my life.  I'm having top surgery, and I am very happy about that.  I'm starting iron supplements and getting a personal trainer in the hopes of being healthier, especially when I have surgery.  After I recover, I plan to go on T for 12-18 months.  I may or may not go on a progesterone birth control after that to control menstrual bleeding - but I'll make that decision when the time comes.  I'm going to go to physical therapy as soon after surgery as possible so that I can heal as quickly and completely as possible.

I've made all of these decisions, and I feel realy good about them.  And for the first time in my life, not only do I NOT feel guilty, but I actually feel proud of what I'm doing, and how I'm living my life, and of the man I have grown up to be.  I'm not perfect, not by a long-shot, but I am living truthfully, and accomplishing things, and becoming better as a person, and ultimately, if they can accept me, my family will also benefit. 

So, yeah, I've made some decisions.

[Mariah]

Congrats Ian on having made those decisions. It's amazing how consideration for our families affects the decisions we make along this journey. Good luck and hugs.
Mariah

[Ms Grace]

Yes, you're not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own. How they choose to react or feel about things you do is their responsibility, their choice. If they choose to be happy for you and supportive all the better, if not then they only have themselves to blame. They might still come around, you never know.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! As they say, you hold the keys. Onward now!

Hugs, Devlyn

[katrinaw]

This is very true, but once you become the figure head in your own family it all becomes so much harder, apart from guilt, emotions and the potential loss of those that mean so much to you, you also consider the impact, socially, on them, especially your partner, kids and grandkids etc.

But you right in that only you are responsible for your well being! and honesty should rule, but somehow it doesn't always for many reasons, I guess mostly because of the financial responsibilities if your the bread winner. If in such relationships you have the opportunity to come out/be honest at the beginning, then you jointly can plan ahead. But for those that are trying to conform and push to one side their gender Dysphoria then it all becomes harder and harder, until it becomes intolerable.

L Katy