I think I might have figured out what I am (also, questions about "coming out").

[fennec-fox]

For awhile now, I've felt that being "female" (I'm AFAB) doesn't really have any significance to who I am. I don't feel dysphoric being seen as female, but I don't feel it's at all important to my identity and who I am as a person. Also, despite not being uncomfortable being referred to as female, I prefer to refer to myself and be referred to in a gender-neutral way. I've questioned whether I'm cis (due to the lack of gender dysphoria) or nonbinary (due to not feeling any strong connection to being "female", or any other gender, for that matter), and I've determined that I'm probably nonbinary but fall somewhere between cis and trans (since I don't consider myself female but also don't consider myself to be any other gender).

I came across this article about being agender on the Gender Wikia last night, and agender seems to be a term that fits me. I've underlined the parts that describe me:


I don't intend on fully "coming out" until I'm more certain this is what fits me, but I do have some questions about it. I know that transmen and transwomen have a fairly high risk of being rejected by family and/or friends when they come out, being told they're "wrong" for identifying as the opposite gender, not having their gender identity respected, etc. What about people who are agender, though? I definitely expect some people to not understand it's even possible to be anything other than male or female and still just see me as a girl, but, realistically, is there any significant chance of facing any particularly negative/hateful responses or rejection from anyone? If so, does anyone have any advice for coming out?

By the way, I'm not afraid of my parents disowning me or my boyfriend leaving me. I wouldn't be surprised if my parents don't understand and still see me as their "daughter", but they're pretty supportive and caring, so I doubt they'd respond in any intentionally hurtful way. As for my boyfriend, he already knows I'd prefer not to be seen in a gendered way. He doesn't seem to quite "get it", but he did tell me it's good that I'm at least trying to figure out my comfort zone.

[suzifrommd]

For non-binary folks, the main issue is often that people don't believe there is such a thing. We're wired to gender people as one of the two binary genders, so even if someone explains carefully that they're agender, and even if we believe them, our brains insist upon putting them in one of the two categories. Non-binary folks often fight an uphill battle getting people to accept their (lack of) gender because of this. Also binary transfolk can adopt a presentation that matches their identified gender, which reminds people what they are, but it's really hard for agender folks, since there isn't really a presentation that recognizably agender.

Congratulations on your discoveries about your identity. Sometimes it feels good just to understand yourself.

[fennec-fox]

Yeah, I get that a lot of people probably won't understand. I'm just wondering if there's anything worse I should be prepared for.

[Tessa James]

So much of our experience is part of who we are and how we deal with adversity and opportunity.  I agree with Suzi's comments and as a non binary person it is simply easier and more accurate for me to identify toward the female end.  My long experience living and being routinely socialized as a man colors and adds layers to my identity.  That's not going away either.  Yes it is more difficult, i believe, for people to understand and accept us.  My therapist asked some typically tough questions early on.  One was; What are you willing to give up to transition?  And what goals do you have for transition?  For me the  answers became "everything" and "to be comfortable as myself"

Coming out can be scary at first and doing it one on one may be best.  And then the "news" is salacious gossip that folks find hard not to share.  Many of us resort to mass emails or letters and I think it is far better to control the narrative as only you can tell your story accurately.  Fear may be a huge obstacle and in isolation our fears fester and may become totally toxic.  That was true for me and was happily surprised that my true friends and loving family remained while my rural community was accepting, supportive or, more often, unconcerned about me with better fish to fry. 

i love the idea that we transition to simply be our true selves however we paint that picture.  All part of the journey and an authentic lived experience.

[awilliams1701]

I'm more of a girl than a guy, but I'm not JUST a girl either. I think that was one of the reasons I was in denial for so long. Every time the trans issue came up, I would dismiss it because it didn't make any sense until I discovered its possible to be in between.

[fennec-fox]

Thanks to everyone for the responses.

I told my boyfriend yesterday that I think "agender" might be the right term to describe me, since he's the only person I know IRL who knows about me questioning my gender identity. I was hoping to get a more understanding response than he gave me, though. He's been understanding thus far of me not feeling any particular attachment to any gender, but, once I explained the description of being agender and how it just seemed to "fit" me, he told me it just seemed counter-intuitive to put a label on myself to say I don't identify with any gender and that it'd make more sense to just not label myself (which I have to disagree with - I don't see labelling myself as agender as a way of saying "Hey, look at me, I'm different!" (which is how he seems to see it); it's just a convenient way of saying I don't consider myself to be female or male (or anything else)). He did tell me he wouldn't tell me I shouldn't call myself agender, just that he doesn't see the point in it.

Coming out can be scary at first and doing it one on one may be best.  And then the "news" is salacious gossip that folks find hard not to share.  Many of us resort to mass emails or letters and I think it is far better to control the narrative as only you can tell your story accurately.

I'll probably come out individually to family and close friends first, since it's more personal that way and we'll be able to have a conversation and they can ask any questions they may have. The thought of that is really nerve-wracking, though, especially since I'm not the best at one-on-one conversations (especially face to face) even about trivial things.

After I tell the people I'm closest to, I'll probably make a Facebook post or something to publicly come out. The thought of that doesn't sound as stressful as telling people personally, but I know I'll spend ages agonizing over how people might respond once I post it.