Have Not Fully Dressed in Years

[Jacqueline]

Hi everyone,

I have a situation that strikes me as kind of particular but was reaching out to see if that is true.

I have been trying girls clothes since I was 8. It has been on again, off again for all of my time since then(I'm 50). With purging going on through out. I have not dressed fully in about 10 or 15 years. I would like to but, time, situations and kids has made that nearly impossibly. I have recently come out to myself and my wife. I had always thought I simply cross dressed(even if under clothes) but have recently realized I am deep within a female.  I have promised her not to go fully public yet(we have 3 teenage daughters). However, I would like try again soon.

I know part of truly transitioning is a test living full time. I don't think I could do that right now(even if I wanted to). However, it might be down the road. I am also right now just trying to see if I can chill my dysphoria out by only making small changes, electrolysis in some spots, under dressing, wearing women's jeans or blouses that may not catch much notice maybe HRT in the near future...?


Has anyone else gone that long without fully dressing? Is this the path that any/many others took to help decide how far to go?

I look forward to your candor,

Joanna

[Dena]

Not having kids  I always wonder why people delay the day of reckoning. The older the kids are the less flexible their attitudes making things more emotional. I have known a few couples living together as wife and wife but are delaying surgery until the kids are though school.
I didn't learn until a few months ago that my niece and nephew had been told about me when they were pretty small. They went all that time knowing about me but not knowing what to do about me because I am sure my brother wasn't fully comfortable with me. Last week I made an effort to correct that problem by telling my niece (the bold one) that I would be wiling to have a very long talk with either or both whenever they want. I hope they will take me up on the offer as I would like to be closer to them. The niece mention Bruce Jenner so that indicates she has somewhat of an interest in the subject.

On the other hand if you really want to wait, maybe you could arrange some "Business trips" where you take a suitcase to a hotel every once in a while.

[Rachel]

Hi Dena,

I am 52 and have a 17 year old daughter and wife. I have been on HRT 2 years and my hair is down to the bottom of my neck. I express on Thursdays in the gayborhood where I see my trainer in a LGBT gym, see my therapist and go to group. I also express when I get electrolysis.

I have on female shorts and crew neck top now at home. I will be cutting the lawn and going food shopping and having a BBQ. I do not know if I would call it expressing but just wearing comfy cloths.

Later this year I will be expressing at work going from shirt and pants with a tie to button down top and slacks.

My wife gives me flack if I do not wear a bra, things have changes in 2 years. She says, people stare at you and you are bouncing all over the place if I go bare. So wearing a bra is becoming a must. I also see guys looking at work even with an undershirt and wearing a striped shirt. 

Dysphoria is a horrible thing to live with and finding the right path and being open and honest and vulnerable is scary but necessary to find peace.

I wish you well with your transition. 

[JoanneB]

Very very close, but no cigar. I first started putting on my sisters clothes around 4-5 till that got stopped. It took another 8 years before I got smart enough and hormonal enough(?) to try it again. There was no going back, no stopping, no purging.

Well, "no stopping" isn't exactly true. From day 1 my wife knew of my GD. By that time I had vowed "I am just a cross-dresser" having gotten two transitioning experiments/total failures out of my system. All I mostly needed was the once a month a month escape from maleness. High tress times a bit more often. THen life slowly got in the way. Though by that time my wife even stayed around the house when I dressed, there was always way more things I needed to do. Plus I knew how much it did affect her. It took days for her not to Joanne when she looked at me. Add in a very heaping portion of Shame and Guilt, the CD'ing slowly faded away. Not the desire to. Never the clothes.

I think in a sense, the penultimate realization of what I call "The 3 D's". The use of Diversions, Distractions, and Denial to bury the woman inside. Which works fine until the excrement hits the air-handler and especially so when it is a manure spreader load of excrement hitting the ventilator fan for the Lincoln Tunnel, North tube.

Six years ago when I started on this journey, transitioning in any way shape or form was the absolute last thing on my mind. Within a year my wife often said "No sane person WANTS to be a 50 y/o woman" followed by the litany of societal pitfalls. "The bloom being off the rose" by 24 was a moot point to me. I (badly) experienced that part of life during that part of life.

A few months later Joanne saw daylight once more after I got the guts up to see my therapist presenting as female. No more hiding in the darkness for my monthly TG Support Group meeting. Gone was the old specter of "Some Guy in a Dress" feeling that haunted me in the past.

But.... Up untill 2 years ago I had the luxury of living part time as female. I was living and working 350 miles away from my home and my wife. Now we are back together and I'm working back at an old job having fun again. Except in this bucolic "Village" 10 miles from mid-town Mahatten I fear more for my safety and my property waaaay more so than in rural West Virginia.

During my time away, I learned where my true joy lies. The feeling of being totally genuine. Well, almost total. I was only part-time, not full. Many other aspects of my life were only as a male. Some of those aspects my need to be sacrificed in order to live life as a woman. So would either choice make me feel totally genuine? So for now the near term plan for my wife and I is to move away from this "Village" ASAP to some place closer to my job where I can once again live part-time

[Dena]

I didn't make it clear in my post and in no way am I offended but I am 33 years post. Without a profile and only 10 post you wouldn't know that unless you looked at my other 9 post. Female dress is pretty much what you make of it. For years I worked in an office and did the whole costly dress and nylon thing. I started wearing pants after tearing several costly skirts on the computer hardware we sale. When I went home office, my policy was not to do it in PJs but I would throw on blue jeans and a mens T shirt with gun club printing on the back. Moving to Arizona and working in the family business as a land lord, I am sorry to say my appearance has really gone to pot. I wear jeans or shorts with that same gun club T shirt. No makeup because I might be working in 110 degree weather on a septic tank and makeup would have a half life of about 10 minutes in that type of heat. Yes I should have a bit more respect for myself but in my mind I have the body of a woman and it matters little what I cover it up with. I do wear a bra because while I am not very large, as it hurts when I do certain activities. I shun the bra around the house.
We rent space to truckers and light industry and have a mix of get your hands dirty men coming and going all the time. Never once has anybody questioned me in the yard. Some of it has to do with the fact our rents are cheap because of the recession, we offer a nice space where the truckers can work on their truck where as others only offer parking and my mother is GOD around there and they know if they upset her they will be gone.
It takes a while to develop mind set that I have a woman's body and it matters little what I cover it up with. I am not sure when it happened but I think it was early in my second year of cross living before I had surgery. I remember thinking I still want the surgery to finish things off but if it wasn't available for some reason I would be happy living my life as I am now.
As long as you promise yourself to do two things you will find happiness. They are
1. I will tell my doctors the truth and never lie to them
2. My goal is to find happiness even if it doesn't involve surgery.
I made those promises to myself before I ever started cross living and have found many years of happiness with many more to look forward to. From your point of view it looks like a very long journey but from my point of view, it passed pretty fast. Consider your self lucky that your wife is as accepting as she is. I was still living with my family when I first broke the news and I was ready to be kicked out on my backside. In hindsight what happened was my dad never really accepted me but he was always civil. He has been gone about 25 years now so more or less it's me and my mother. My mother on the other hand decided she was going to fix me by getting me to a doctor who could fix what was wrong with my head. Eight years latter I fooled her and fixed my body instead. My mom now understand as well as anyone can who hasn't gone through it can and we are the best of friends.
Good luck on your journey and if I can be of anymore help, feel free to ask. I hide nothing and am more than willing to share anything I know.

Strange but I am having more fun posting on this board than any board I have in the past. Thank you for adding to my life.