You can read and respond if you want, advice is always nice, but I'm just ranting for the most part. Just a lot of thoughts whirling in my head and I feel I'll go nuts if I don't let them out somewhere. My thought process is also all over the place at the moment.
Its been kind of a rough a rough week in general saying its a certain time of the month that leaves me sleeping for hours a day. Add on to that that the hormones brought on by this time upset my stomach and I was pretty much up all night, though everything had settled by the wee hours of the morning with my time ending.
Despite my lack of sleep I was actually in a really good mood. I had that 'I'm gonna be one hell of a boy once I transition' feeling. In other words, my happy gay days were back and I was imagining how my face and body would change. I was so excited that there was no way that I could possibly sleep. I was thinking about how I will talk to my mom, tell her what I found out about insurance, and ask if we can go clothes shopping since she is on vacation this week, and I only own one pair of male clothing besides I few unisex shirts. I was imagining going to school, and working, graduating from my little two year college to move to a city nearby and work there, writing a book in the meantime. I was imagining my future from the point of view as me as a trans guy. I was even imagining joining OkCupid, though that would be farther along in my transition when I was more man and looked less like a young teenager. I could see that future so clearly in my head, my heart was filled with a giddy emotion. Never have I wanted something so badly in my life.
And then the doubts. Always the doubts. When I'm at my highest they slither in and wrap around me. The squeeze in till that future I had pictured so clearly and brightly just shudders and crumbles into the shadows.
They were subtle at first and I ignored them. Mom came home and I asked her about shopping, though I never got around to telling her about the insurance. My courage failed me there. She is so accepting of everything but when I try to talk to her I freeze. After that I go into the living room and lay on the couch to watch a few things before trying to sleep. But I couldn't sleep. So many thoughts.
'I'm gonna be one hell of a boy once I transition' I kept repeating that in my head, the 'once I transition' part always catching my attention. Why do I feel I can identify as a guy once I transition? Clearly a large part of me feels like a guy if I am thinking of transition at all. But what about the part of me that doesn't? I think of that part of me as my genderless self, but now I'm starting to think there is a piece of female in there some where. When my nephew and my brother's girlfriend were over and I was playing cards, I constantly felt feminine again. I don't know if it is because they see me as a female, or because they call me she, or maybe it was the way I was sitting. I keep thinking that I need to tell them that I am trans, that I wanted them start calling me by male pronouns and a male name, but I always get caught up in fear. I haven't even told my mom that I have a male name I like to use. She asked if I had one and I had froze and then told her no not yet. I want to try dressing as a guy, by more clothes, get a binder, etc etc. I want to see what it would feel like to be taken as male.
But then I have thoughts like I will just feel like a girl wearing guy's clothes. And that makes me wonder if I am trans at all. I should feel it all over that I am guy. I honestly feel like crying when I think like that.
On another forum site I said this (I was talking to a MtF at the time):
"I've always gravitated towards the male side of things, and you have always gravitate towards the female side of things. And plenty of people do this and are not trans. So I always ask myself, why can't I be like them? Why can't I like the more masculine things in life and still be female? And the answer is simple: Because I don't want to. I do not like feeling like a masculine female, not even a slightly masculine female. And that is how society views me. I get so anxious when I have to go out into the public. I feel like I am always being watched and judged, and that makes me all to aware of the parts of my body that I hate.
The fact of the matter is I feel like a very effeminate guy. I like feeling like that, I want society to view me like that. When I hang out with my friends who are girls I want to be seen as the gay best friends. I want to appear as an attractive male, and yeah I might have days where I feel rather feminine or girl, but I still want to be seen as a guy."
I was so sure of that then. I have always come back to that no matter how many doubts I have. I feel that to be one my more solid truths.
How many times in my youth, right after hitting puberty, have I longed to be male? Wished it? I always thought that all girls wanted that thought. I could never imagine anyone who liked to be female. The only good thing I can say about being female is that some of the clothing is cute, even if I hate how it looks on me. Sometimes I see a picture on someone online and think, if I had her figure I would like wearing that as well, but there is no way in hell that I can have the figure of a 5'4 Asian woman when I am a 5'9 biological female. (I just put male, I had to backspace xD no idea why that makes me happy). Is it wrong to admire the figure of other AFAB? But then I start thinking about why I feel the need to transition. Obviously i am unhappy with my body, but that alone is not a good enough reason to transition. I am dissatisfied as a woman, as being seen as such, as constantly feeling like I have to find a way to act like a woman or if I am being woman enough. Anytime I am around other people born female I feel as though I feel like I'm missing something, like I'm just not getting what is to be a woman. And in truth I don't get what it means to be woman. I have not the foggiest what it feels like to be a woman. I have moment where I feel like a cute individual, but that doesn't mean I feel female, most people just associate cute with girly.
Then I was reading something online and it said this:
---"Do you really want to be the opposite sex or do you want to be a 'fantasy' of the opposite sex? Everybody has fantasies about what their life might be like if they make different decisions but often reality turns out to be a lot more mundane than we imagine. Have you considered realistically what you'll gain and lose by transitioning? Try this exercise: fold a sheet of paper into four sections and label them "pro-male", "con-male", "pro-female", and "con-female." Now write as many things as you can think of for each group. For example, under "con-female" write all the things you can think of that might be bad about being thought of as female."--- article is here
http://www.genderpsychology.org/transsexual/question.htmlAnd its a really good question and one to think seriously over, but the answer I keep coming up with is IDK.
I don't feel female, but do I really feel male? I know I have days where I feel like I am neither gender, and then there are days where I am so sure I was meant to be a boy. I look in the mirror and I can see him, just waiting for me to flush him out more, because right now i look in the mirror and I feel like I am looking at a teenage boy, not a 23 year old man or 23 year old female.
I remember once when I was 16 when I completely felt like I should of been born a guy, that I should been a gay guy (I added gay because I really truly did feel like a gay guy back then). That was the first time transitioning have ever crossed my mind. And then I remember just scoffing at myself and thinking "Just because I feel like a gay guy and want to be one doesn't mean I should be one. It doesn't mean I am transgender." But I couldn't stop myself from looking in the mirror and taking in the parts of me I considered boyish and finding that if I thought of myself as a boy I liked myself just a little bit better. I thought about what if I had really been born male, what would life of been like, what would life be like in the future.
But I wasn't born a male. I might of felt different from other girls but that doesn't mean much. Growing up I was always told everyone was different and unique. I was born female, I was a tomboy as a young kid. I remember thinking tomboy mean I girl who would grow up to be a boy, and I was excited because I wanted that. I remember my dad yelling at me for that as well. I was raised to be female, I was condition to be female, I don't really know how to be anything else. I spent so much of my life being what others want. I always wonder what others will think. Am I pretty enough, am I acting like a girl enough. As a teen I thought that boys must have it easy not having to worry about this. As an adult I know that is flawed thinking. Men do not have it any easier. They probably constantly worry about how others view them as well.
I know people will tell me I need to see a gender therapist, and I know that I do and I will as soon as I get the money up. I also want to be more certain that I am trans. The only way I can think to do this is by presenting more masculine. I will never pass a man, but I still want to try and do this.
Why am I so confused by all this? When I finally did get to sleep I found myself dreaming of being a transman. Even my dreams are plagued by my doubts. All I know that is when I think of transitioning and finally being a man I feel this excited happy feeling.
