I feel too ugly to be a woman.

[WildThing]

So, my first post on here was an introduction, and I still had 1000 thoughts running through my mind every second, so I came off kind of panicky, and emotionally distraught, etc. Now, my mind has cooled down, and I've gathered my thoughts a little bit.
For reference, I'm 6 foot, 275 pound male, buzzcut, stubble. I'm not "fat," my weight is distributed pretty well, but I could lose a few pounds in the gut, which is my goal (lose 125 pounds).

So, I've come to realize that I'm not the cisgender guy I thought I was. I realized that I'm Transgender. I'm okay with it now, but I want to look beautiful. My fear is that I'll have too masculine of a face to pass as the girl I believe myself to be. My friend told me I have a well rounded face, which is an apparent feminine trait, but every time i look in the mirror, at my face, buzz cut, facial stubble, I hate it. I want to punch the mirror for making me look at myself. My mind rejects the image in front of me. Less so today than a couple of days prior. I've come to tolerate my face now, my body, just as I've tolerated it for 24 years (23 years, 338 days).

I still want to punch it in the face though.

My fear is ultimately, I'm too ugly to be a woman. I picture my female body with my current face. It makes me sad. I hate it.

[Cindy]

I suggest you look at the before and after thread! Miracles happen for many of us.

[Ms Grace]

Like Cindy says, check out those before & after threads! Some amazing changes can and do happen.

Now, it's quite common for most women - cis or trans - to want to look beautiful, and the way the media glorifies particular looks and shapes and what not helps no one except the people who profit off the insecurity that glorification industry creates. So I'd strongly advise you don't get caught up in the whole "super model beauty" mindset... it's pretty much unobtainable for 99.99% of all women on the planet anyway.

It sounds like you might be considering transition, if so keep in mind that HRT can make quite a difference to your face and body over a 12 to 36 month period. There are other things you can do too if needs be but they are a long way down the track. As for height, I am 6'3" and most people barely even look at me.

[katrinaw]

Also we tend to look hard at ourselves and see obstacles to what we want to see, also it's hard to imagine that after so many years looking at the same image that we can be different!

Also check out YouTube there are some amazing transformations there too.

L Katy 

[Mariah]

Wild Thing as others have suggest I highly recommend looking at the before and after topic. You will be in Aww of the amazing transformations that have occurred. Secondly Katy is so very right that we are often very critical of ourselves. I suppose it's a result of the mental image we all have that we feel every woman should look, but woman come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. I know it's difficult to see at this stage in your transition, but as you get going and eventually end up on HRT you will be impressed with what happens. Good luck and big hugs
Mariah

[fairview]

I rarely,  rarely ever post.  I read the threads but I typically have very little to contribute that I think would add value to the discussion. I do consider myself transgender but in my situation I have decided I will probably never transition despite I am under doctor's care with a typical mtf hrt program. Neither do I consider myself non binary. None of the therapists have a name for me. Lol

I share many of the same physical attributes that concerns you. I am 1 inch taller, 35 pounds heavier, my suit coat size prior to hormone therapy was a 50 with shoulders appropriately sized. I have a brow boss that would intimidate a Cromagnum man. At 6-1 I am the typical endomorph. Think Arnold Schwarzenegger and that was pretty much me when I was your age. My doctor agrees that at my age in spite of every surgery available, I would still present 100% male.

So what is the point then?

Get yourself to a therapist. Find a therapist that you are comfortable with. Some have a pro transition agenda. If you have a visceral feeling that you are being pushed down a path that is uncomfortable,  believe your emotions and find another.   My third therapist was a match with me. He listened attentively and when I was nearly hoarse at the end of 45 minutes, he replied he had never heard of my situation before but if anyone needed an approval letter to start mtf therapy,  it was I.

I have had all the typical side effects that can be expected, probably not as significant as you would have, but they are significant nonetheless. I need to wear a bra, I shop carefully in the women's department for appropriate trousers, and I present as male every day with nary a second glance. While there can be exceptions, I believe the vast majority of those who say they can't hide the feminization effects of hrt are those that want them to be noticed.

Since I have been on hrt,  I think I have infrequently experienced the perfect day. It is incredibly difficult to describe but serene, satisfying,  beautiful or blissful just hint at it.

With more being said than necessary, GET yourself to a good therapist. One that is unbiased and understands there are more than I option. No one has been able to satisfactorily explain why I can accept a very visual masculine presentation in the mirror but have the healthy hormone levels of a woman. To this day I can still not wrap my arms around that one and I invest little time reflecting on that conundrum.

I looked at being transgendered as a journey with more than one destination along the path. I decided to take the first step and follow the path but stopped at my destination,  not that of others  nor what others thought my destination should be 

I wish you well on you journey and hope you find the peace I have found in my life.

[WildThing]

I wish you well on you journey and hope you find the peace I have found in my life.

"May your road lead you to warm sands."
Lol

Thank you. I do feel like I should be transitioning fully, though. My journey will hopefully bring me to wear I can live life happily. Right now, I think being fully female would make me so much happier. I love my inner self, but I hate the reflection in the mirror, because it doesn't reflect who I am on the inside. I've JUST now realized this, and i'm afraid I've wasted so much time as it is. I'm just like "switch me, switch me now, doc." I do wasn't to make sure this us truly what I want though. I feel like it is, and I'd be disappointed if it wasn't, if that days anything. If it turns out to just be a fetish crossdressing thing, I'd just consider myself a freak, because I don't feel like it's a fetish. I mean, it excites me, but...blegh, there's something different. I can't dress a a female when my brain is fighting with itself, saying "No, beep boop. You have a penis, you are a male, beep boop bop. Males do not wear this, bop boop."
My heart's just like "But YOU do..."

*gently flips table*

[Maddy_Aya_W.]

If it was a fetish thing, I think you would know. In showing desire to express your femininity to the world, you show that you feel uncomfortable forcing yourself to be a man any longer. Always remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, if you think you look beautiful, what does it matter what nay-sayers think? Express yourself, show the world how you feel, and don't be discouraged by what other people say and think.

[Beth Andrea]

Working through the self-hate was probably the hardest thing I had to do prior to transitioning. Like you, I kept telling myself how ugly I was, I was a man, omg my shoulders!!, etc.

It's very difficult...but only you can do it in terms you, yourself, can understand. In my case, I simply had my Beth-self gently reminding my male-self, "Being an ugly, but happy, woman is better than being a handsome yet unhappy man."

Hope this helps.

[WildThing]

Thank you both so much for the advice. It makes me feel a lot better.

[Crystal9234]

For reference, I'm 6 foot, 275 pound male, buzzcut, stubble. I'm not "fat," my weight is distributed pretty well, but I could lose a few pounds in the gut, which is my goal (lose 125 pounds).

Unless you are having health problems I don't think your weight should be your biggest concern it is your confidence. If your going to be losing a lot of weight make sure you see a doctor and get advice because losing that much weight too fast can be dangerous.

[Jessica_M]

If it was a fetish thing, I think you would know. In showing desire to express your femininity to the world, you show that you feel uncomfortable forcing yourself to be a man any longer. Always remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, if you think you look beautiful, what does it matter what nay-sayers think? Express yourself, show the world how you feel, and don't be discouraged by what other people say and think.

Well said, I really do feel this way sometimes, yet feeling uncomfortable as a man is a problem for me