I lie because I have to

[Mirriel]

First, I've been reading on here and watching people, and looking for answers and not sure what I'm going to do, but need to do something, even if its to do nothing.

So here is my confessional... and I apologize if this is a trigger for some, but its the truth and I feel like I need to share what has been eating me alive for a very long time.

I have come out to my wife as transgender because its the truth. I have been in the closet my entire life. I knew something was off when I was very young, all through school I was an odd bird, wearing odd clothes that I wore because they felt good, but everyone else thought was bizarre. I was bullied by others, made fun of by girls. and in general tried to fit in, though I didn't I avoided the lunch room at all costs, hiding in books while sitting in hall way dead ends to hide. I am not a fighter so there it is. I had teachers that would throw me against the wall while my peers watched. I have dealt with depression my whole life.  when I was a teenager I would sneak into my sisters room, so I could sleep on her bed, I would try her makeup on and smell her smells and I would look through her clothes and try some of them on. I have had encounters with others and I would drink. I drank, so I could come out. One friend knew this and took advantage of the fact, he'd always show up with alcohol.

My first marriage was wrecked because I started shaving my legs and asked her to buy me thongs to wear. and this freaked her out and she left me. I tell everyone the divorce was caused by us diverging. a Lie.

I got my first rose tattoo. I didn't know why. I got in my car drove by myself to a tattoo parlor, and found a rose and dagger and said 'I want this one'. I told people it was some military thing (I was in the military), the truth is that I loved the flower, it representing my femininity, and the dagger and thorns represent my pain.

in my late teens I started having this re-occuring dream of being controlled. basically in it I had no choice but to do what a woman was telling me to do, and I'd do it, even though I'd be resisting, I would not be able to prevent what was happening. This led me to a bondage fixation, that had me wanting to be tied up and controlled. I believe now that this was to stop the female in me from coming out.

My second long term relationship I also wrecked, due to forces I just didn't understand... leading to her leaving and me not caring.

Later on I married a second time and had children, during this relationship there have been some revelations and some hurt caused by my self destructive behaviors. In the last 6 months I came out to my wife and then ended up denying it because she doesn't want this to be real, and if it is real she has threatened divorce. I can't afford a gender therapist and my wife is freaked out by the idea of me talking to anyone. You have to understand I love my wife, and my kids and I am SCARED to DEATH of losing them.

So this has been festering and now with Bruce in the news, my wife is sad a lot, I Think she is reading his story and realizing her husbands story runs parallel to his story in many ways (though I'm no athlete or celebrity).

I think my wife KNOWS I'm hurting and our relationship is weird because she will ask me about whether I think I'm a woman and I'll say no. Which is a FLAT out LIE, but I don't know what else to do. I'm defending my future, my kids happiness, her happiness. and I know that what I'm doing by lying must sound insane, but to me its the only sane thing to do, cause I love her, my kids, my relationship and I want to grow old with her. Yes I'm selfish I suppose on this point.

I believe my wife who is very very cool, and a wonderful person, will come around in time. My strategy is to have my cake and eat it too.  I want my family to stay whole, and well I want to be a woman. So....I'm waiting for her to get her head around it. I believe in time she will be ready to really talk. maybe not... she knows I'm a liar. but I'm a liar because I have to be, not because I want to be.

so that is my story. I'm real, I'm successful, and I'm a woman inside.

thanks for listening, not sure if you have any advice for my situation. but there it is.

[Majj Wynn]

Way to have the courage to finally get that off your chest.

You deserve to be accepted, and be understood, for who you really are. You do.

So here's from my point of view..
Maybe your wife isn't ready, so you can continue the strategic route that youre on. Though realize at the same time that her upsets are just upsets, it doesn't mean that she wouldn't accept you if you were honest with her. But the main thing is being understanding of her too, in this case. You can be understanding of her needing reassurance that this wouldn't change what really matters, the love, the children, and all that. Because, she is scared not just of you wanting to possibly transition, she is scared of what it could mean, further than that!

Are you able to have a serious, calm, and understanding talk with her? If it's just about sharing feelings, maybe you could ask her if she could listen a bit to you sharing them, and then encourage her to share hers too, and listen without taking it too personally, but trying to understand her feelings on her side. What if you said that you feel like your feminine side isn't getting a chance to be there more, and that it doesn't necessarily mean that you'd want to be a woman (even if you can leave that possibility alive in you), just that it's important to you that you be able to tune in to that more. And if you mention how much you care about her and the kids and the marriage, maybe that could reassure her that it's more about needing her support to explore more femininity.

Well, that's just what I would start with in your case, but you know your wife more than I do, so just take it with a grain of salt if you have to.

One thing I'm seeing about you is that I think you don't feel (yet) like you deserve to be who you really are. I'm only saying this because even if somehow she really couldn't accept you for your femininity, it's about her, not you, for not being able to accept and support the one she loves. You know? You deserve to be accepted and supported for who you are. Yes, it's normal that it'd be a shock to her, but that doesn't have to stop you coming to accept yourself towards doing what's right for you, and trying your best to support Her while she deals with the feelings it can stir up for her. If you can muster some confidence and loving support to her, I'm sure you could be surprised by how much she could be more calm and come to accept it. (just my opinion)

Take your time. Go at your pace. Listen to your heart.
And at the very least, be accepted and supported over here

Good luck lovely.

[charlotte15]

My strategy is to have my cake and eat it too.  I want my family to stay whole, and well I want to be a woman.

thanks for listening, not sure if you have any advice for my situation. but there it is.

No advice really. I can only talk about myself. I do not pretend I can give advice to people I do not know, just hints.

I remember saying exactly like you, "My strategy is to have my cake and eat it too". But for me, it was not about family but work. I hope you won't be like me and have a plan B, the ability to make a decision between keeping or eating the cake.

Imagine if like me, you couldn't. Someday you can't sleep, you look at yourself in a mirror, hate what you see, feel a pain deep inside your soul, drink, the pain does not go away, so you drink some more, take a few pills, but it doesn't work, so you hate yourself even more. You try to sleep but you can't. So you drink some more, take a few more pills. The pain is in your soul, it usually goes away when you do that, but today it just won't go away. You just want the pain to end. You feel it even more, you try again but it doesn't work. You can't sleep. You feel horrible inside. You want the pain in your soul to go away, so you take all the pills you have. You stare at your hideous self in the mirror. You don't know what to think.

Then if you are lucky, as I was, you wake up with a taste of blood in your mouth, in a pool of blood. Then you try to crawl to a phone to call for help. It's not fun, and once was enough to make me realize how lucky I was to still be here. It made me be ready to make changes to my life, because I could not have my cake and eat it too.

But that was several years ago. I'm such an happy girl now, with so many projects! And I love my boobs. It's stupid but it's the one sign of femininity that I always have with me. I can squeeze them lightly when I feel sad, and it makes me smile and feel happy, because I know it's who I am. I did not have my cake and ate it, because when push came to shove, I had to make choice, and I couldn't. It ended up being much worse. I wish I could have. I would have one less scar.

I can not give you advice. I just hope you can make choices if you have to. I can only give you a hint - that's it's good to be able to say "no, I won't have my cake and eat it too. In the absolute worst case, I will do xxxxxx" (insert whatever your heart tells you)

[katrinaw]

Hi Mirriel,

Welcome to Susan's

Please review  the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

You are certainly not alone, I think the Ms Jenner story has created plenty of thinking amongst people, especially those closest to us... It seems to me as though you have a strong relationship to build upon...

You'll find lots of support and friends here, once again Welcome

L Katy 

[Mirriel]

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I have been thinking about ending it to be honest, what keeps me going is my kid who is special needs and I just couldn't do that to them. But some days I'm in a lot of emotional pain. more than I realized, until I took a hard look at what I am and what is going on. I'm a trooper though.

To share...my parents are older and only have a few years left I'm sure. I have come out to my sister. She knows, but my wife doesn't know she knows.  My sister is 100% supportive of me no matter what but pointed out that my mom likely wouldn't be able to handle the stress of this :|.

so... I carry the ruck sack full of lies.

I don't understand how I can be married to someone and their love is conditional. I thought it was supposed to be unconditional love. :| I totally believe that if she came to me tomorrow and roles were reversed I'd accept her needs.  :|

[Majj Wynn]

so... I carry the ruck sack full of lies.

I don't understand how I can be married to someone and their love is conditional. I thought it was supposed to be unconditional love. :| I totally believe that if she came to me tomorrow and roles were reversed I'd accept her needs.  :|

Do your best Mirriel, and remember things change, including from day to day. Keep open and see what feels best to you.

As for conditional love. Most relationships in this society are about conditional love. It's actually really rare to have unconditional love. The best thing you can do is also uncondtionally love her even if she has trouble with it, and be understanding of her, because humans aren't perfect, though we grow. It can take time, or whatever else.
You said she supports you though? Or was that your sister? In any case, you have someone who supports you, that's a start, and it'll build

Head up, you're movin'   

[Mirriel]

my sister supports me, my wife doesn't. My wife KNOWS I'm transgender, but she is in denial. She asks me if I'm a woman and I'll tell her I'm not(backpedal based on her reaction), because I'm trying to hold everything together. I feel some days like I'm gonna just be crushed by everything.

[Majj Wynn]

my sister supports me, my wife doesn't. My wife KNOWS I'm transgender, but she is in denial. She asks me if I'm a woman and I'll tell her I'm not(backpedal based on her reaction), because I'm trying to hold everything together. I feel some days like I'm gonna just be crushed by everything.

Well, take a long-distance hug if you can. ()

You know.. even if things break a little, it's not the end of the world. If this is your truth, it has to come out eventually, so the best you can do is try to ease how it's going to come about. If ->-bleeped-<- hits the fan, you'll still be ok. The fear is worst than actually what can happen. But things can go better than that too. So keep open, things can go better than you think. Be true to your heart.. not much else I can think to say at this time..

<3

[katrinaw]

There's no wrong or right way of becoming who you are when in Marriage.
I applaud the fact that you have come out...

But I'll explain why not being totally truthful sometimes protects the person you are not being truthful to (short form  ):

Its a very long, long story, but I still have not come out to my wife, I have basically kept this from her for 40 years, all the cross dressing, and since 2003 HRT, why is part of the longer story... so not for here, yet!
Basically once we got internet in the mid nineties, I discovered that I was not alone, so in 2003 I plucked up Courage and saw a transgender friendly Dr, just came straight out and told him I plan to be a woman and want to start before I come out to all, took a long time to get to now... both HRT and my impending tell all!
So till now I have paid off the home and all debts... the home will be her haven. I will get a role soon that will enable me to start again.
So, I lied to protect my wife my kids, and now my Grandkids from the ensuing taunting that they would all get "ooh poor her, she's the one that her husband became a woman" yes it still happens, especially in the community we live in, also the same for my kids and Grandkids...
When I tell her soon, I will probably move out, regardless of her position on the changes (I'm sure she see's the changes in me, we are probably both waiting for the other to say!) I will support her, but won't be able to go out as the real me in this neighbourhood, its too close and too conservative!

So I lie for what I believe is a good reason, I have always put everyone else's happiness and comfort way over mine, but I can't complete my life in hiding anymore, so I must for my own happiness.

I read the other posting in https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187691.msg1669261.html#msg1669261 but felt this response was better here.

Its tough, very tough...

My advice to anyone, is really come out early as, and as hard as it is, don't stay trapped, it only gets Harder!

L Katy 

[sparrow]

I can't afford a gender therapist and my wife is freaked out by the idea of me talking to anyone.

Can't afford is one thing... but by cramming you in the closet and forbidding you to talk about it, she's exacerbating the problem in a huge way.  Good gender therapists want you to be happy and healthy and safe and successful.  They want you to stay with your family if that's what you want to do.  They aren't going to push you to transition or to closet yourself, no matter what (and if I got that vibe from a therapist, I'd never go back).

No matter what... it sounds like you're suffering pretty severely.  You need to talk to somebody, or you're only going to suffer more.  Are you in a big enough town that there are trans support groups to go to?

[rosetyler]

You can't control what your fam does or how they react.  All you can control is what YOU do.

Decide what's more important to you, then plan your life accordingly.

[charlotte15]

No matter what... it sounds like you're suffering pretty severely.

It seemed to me as well. If you can't find anyone in the real life to talk to, at least please stay in contact on the forum. It's not much but maybe it can help a bit.

[JoanneB]

You approach to handling being trans is much like many others. You lie to yourself, you lie to the world, you do your best to be a guy, a guy that you believe the world wants you to be like.

My wife and I have been together one way or another for over 30 years. She knew from day one about my gender issues. I learned that lesson with wife #1, total freakout like your ex. By the time we met I had "experimented" with transitioning, gave up on that dream, and resigned to telling myself I am just a CD++. Worked sort of OK for 30 years, as long as you disregard the part about turning myself into a lifeless soulless thing with no hopes, wishes, or dreams, bar one given up long long ago.

Six years ago the excrement hit the air handler once again in my life. I had way too much time alone, away from my distractions and diversions that aided my denial. In time I came to realize my life was a total mess because of how I was not handling being trans. By the end of my third TG support group meeting I knew it was almost too late to tell my wife what was up in my life.

Dropping the T-Bomb was not well received. It also went a lot differently then I thought. All sorts of raw emotions spew forth when you come out to an SO. You redefine the relationship, the betrayal, the sense of being lied to, feeling like a fool for "not seeing the signs". The list goes on. Yet at the end of the day for us, far better for me to explore and grow then to find me swinging on the end of a rope in the garage.

A lot has changed these past 5-6 years. A lot has not. I changed a lot as a person. The seeds she sowed many years ago in attempt to get me to open my eyes and my heart to the world finally began to sprout. I was growing into a for real person. Our relationship grew stronger. At the same time she cannot think of me as her husband any more.

What has kept us together, allowed me to "Have my cake and eat it too" has been the open and brutally honest talks we needed to have. Something I had no skill or desire to have for ages. Yet that was the only hope of having it all