Memory Lapses

[Jacqueline]

Hi all,

It's me again. I noticed in a number of replies to some of my recent posts that people made reference to not remembering aspects of their lives. I wanted to see if that has happened to many of us?

I remember very little from my young ages until I hit 12 or so. I have described it as like seeing snapshots of someone else's life. I know certain things happened and see parts of those like a photo.

I have periods of my life where I have done things that I have not forgotten but the details seemed fuzzier. I just found a hand written note I wrote in 1993 where I was accusing and then answering myself. I remember writing it. I thought it was all bout how good or bad a husband I was being. I did not have children yet and was scared. It seems I was trying to address issues and kick myself in the ass. What I did not remember is that 3 times in there I asked myself if I would make a better girl than boy? Why I don't just become one? I also alluded to my cross dressing as perverse, disgusting and being guilty and ashamed. I don't remember that part of the note at all. I shared it with my therapist this week.

The other thing I made a comment to in another post was that I joined this site two years ago. I only just became active about 2 weeks ago. I had had the site pop up when doing web searches. I have been struggling with cross dressing since 8 or so... but I don't remember joining. Just struck me as weird.

I have also experienced that in delving into this all will unlock a memory here and there. Has this happened to others? Are there keys you found that unlock more or is it just meticulous research, catch a snippet here and there and maybe a bunch opens up? I just feel like I am missing so much from my past. I don't think I have multiple personalities and I don't seem to have consistent memory lapses now...

I thank you for your posts in advance. You are such a great relief and support. I still find moments that are hard to face but it is easier with you all as a part of my family.

Joanna

[LordKAT]

I'm missing whole years. I'm not so sure it has anything to do with trans stuff.

[katrinaw]

I think I recall reading something about this as my mother has fallen foul of Alzheimer's.

Ramble  :
Your mind remembers just about everything, but it often takes a trigger or a like experience to bring it back, the ones that are clear are the events that you always keep front of mind, for some reason... as you age year by year the forefront of your brain retains the current and relevant, don't ask me how, but it does... With the dementia diseases areas of the brain get destroyed, therefore memories are never found, regardless of trigger points. Alzheimer's destroys the ability to store new info, then gradually eats back through time snaps.
Ramble over 

Funnily I can clearly remember as a baby in a cot, in my parents bedroom waking up and seeing the red glow of a cigarette each, they were smoking in bed, in the dark... I also vividly remember laying in bed sobbing my heart out at not being a girl, right from a very young age, thinking about 4'ish, wanting god to wake me up in the morning as a girl and some nights laying there trying to pull my genitals off (I can picture the bedroom, bed covers, everything in so much detail... hence why I think it was about 4 as up till then I did not really see any differences until my girl cousin and I shared baths etc... could even have been 3, dunno!

But chunks of years I struggle to remember, hmmm Deja-vu?

The ability or magic of the brain is amazing, but I don't think GID or HRT affects it, however the jury is out as far as modern day living and the bombardment of additives, fumes and other such things.

Anyway that's my 2 cents worth, and all IMHO too

L Katy

[kelly_aus]

There are periods of my life that are more than a little hazy, but that's no surprise given the drugs I was consuming at the time..

[Rina]

I have also experienced that in delving into this all will unlock a memory here and there. Has this happened to others? Are there keys you found that unlock more or is it just meticulous research, catch a snippet here and there and maybe a bunch opens up? I just feel like I am missing so much from my past. I don't think I have multiple personalities and I don't seem to have consistent memory lapses now...

For me, most of the repressed memories returned as I accepted myself; the memory lapses were due to denial, and as soon as that denial was in the past, I started remembering again. I still sometimes suddenly remember new things, but mostly, I feel like my memory is continuous now. I still have patchy memory of a period where I was completely mis-medicated because of depression and anxiety, but those holes are medication induced.

I believe this is quite common among trans people, since gender identity runs so deep and affects so many aspects of life. Repression then has to be similarly deep to be "effective". And as we know, deep repression can cause memory lapses and perhaps even "internal fights" and so on.

[iKate]

Nope I remember many details of my life quite vividly.

[KristinaM]

I remember very little of my life. I specifically remember that this trouble remembering anything started around the age of 19. But I can't begin to tell you what I've forgotten of course.

I remember virtually nothing about my life, just some snippets. As the years have gone by, this hasn't changed. I remember what jobs I've worked at, about half the people I've had sex with (really not that many, but some didn't stick in my brain), my last vacation, but no details really about any of it, etc...

I'm honestly hoping that staying on HRT will help me in this area.

[JoanneB]

My wife was very surprised when we first started dating that I had like zero memories of life growing up. I sure can't blame being a somewhat dysfunctional family as the cause, her's beats mine by a long shot and she remembers everything.

These days I mostly put it down to I was playing a part. I wanted to be a girl. I couldn't be a girl. I had to act like a guy. Which takes a lot of effort and energy. Especially when you need to be an even better guy in many ways just so they can't see through the charade.

On a related note, my wife was also disturbed by me not having a real answer to "What are my hopes, wishes, and dreams?" OK, I did have one, that I had to save up for the next trip back to planet Earth.

[Asche]

I have almost no memories from before I was 10 -- less than 5.  Most of those are memories of being humiliated for what I did or didn't do.

And my memories of ages 10-11 (my "hell years") are spotty, though I don't know how much is them being lost and how much is them being too painful to recall.  What I have is mostly just the story I tell myself about what happened, as if I'd told it to someone a few years later and a year after that they tried to write it down.  I have no idea what it actually felt like prior to that time, possibly because to get to those memories, I'd have to pass through the hell years' memories.

They begin to be a little more continuous (i.e., fewer obvious holes) at age 12, but I don't begin to have a sense of actually being in my memories until  maybe age 14 or 16.

[Mysteryman]

I believe I responded to ur previous post about "lost memories". With me its not that I forget entire months or years of my life. Its more I forgot who I am. I locked away my male and seemed to have forgotten him for 10 years. No idea how it resurfaced, but I think it had a lot to do with the end of an era -my twenties. Now Im in my 30s and struggling with myself. Its hell sometimes.

[AnonyMs]

I'm having trouble remembering much of my life. Just as one of many examples, I traveled overseas with my wife once and can't remember any of it. Its hard to understand how that can happen.

I understand depression can cause memory loss, and I suspect that might be the reason. I used to think things were relatively normal way for much of my life, but I've no idea what normal means anymore.

[Jacqueline]

Thanks to all for sharing.

I have no scientific way of seeing how prevalent that makes this in our community. It seems like many of us who have suppressed ideas, and self awareness may show a good deal of this memory "loss". I am kind of fascinated by this and other things may may be a similarity within certain communities.

I keep bumping up against the idea that dysphoria  is collection of symptoms but only people with the most severe aspects have them documented. So as the brain is trying to cope with a non-synchronous body all these little things seep out from the cracks, as it were. I would love to find data of symptoms that has a wider reach than what seems to be within the current medical descriptions. Is anyone aware if studies have been published.

Not that it helps any of us work through anything. I just think it helps some of us cope. I very recently came out to my wife. When discussing things a few days later she said, "You know, when you were saying that you were depressed and did not like what you saw in the mirror, I thought, well I don't either and I think I've forgotten how to be happy. Not to belittle or negate what you are saying." I know what she is saying but it was more than just those things that make up the story of my personal dysphoria. I guess I am looking for commonality to help it seem less like a jump to the conclusion. However, as my therapist asked me, "If you are having a midlife crisis and you are feeling depressed, would the first logical conclusion that comes to mind be, 'I'm transgendered?'" I guess I have been coming to this for a long time.

Think I'm rambling now, sorry.
Thanks again to all who have shared,

Joanna