Unsure

[Eveninglight]

Hello, I'm a 24 year old male, and I've very strongly been considering transitioning to female. It's something that I've always thought about since I was a child. I've always wished that I was female, but I never really though that it was a possibility for me, mainly because until recently I've been very misinformed on the topic of transitioning and the process involved (I used to think it was essentially a snip here and a couple implants there, remove the beard and good luck...lol). I now of course know that is not the case, and it finally seems like something that's achievable at this point in my life.

I've never fit in, with either boys or girls but historically I've had more female friends than male, but more close male friends, and been attracted to females, and only attracted to a select few boys in the past. I am currently in a same sex relationship with the love of my life, who I have been with for three years, though we had been best friends for almost 7 years before we started dating or even being intimate with one-another. We've been engaged now since he proposed to me in February. I've talked with him about the possibility of me transitioning and he isn't opposed to it, though he has some concerns. He has assured me though that whatever I choose, I have his full support, and I know that he means it. So my personal life in that respect is stable, and good.

That's about where the idea of me transitioning stops sounding like a good idea. I have a very shaky relationship with my mom, who just last year learned that I was in a same sex relationship, and seems less than thrilled, though she of course claims she will support me no matter what I do, but I feel like telling her I wanted to be a woman would cross a line. My father is a hardcore republican, and my stepmom is a Presbyterian minister, and I haven't even told them I'm in a same sex relationship. I however have a very good relationship with my dad, being his oldest and only biological son. I feel as though damaging that relationship would be very detrimental to my emotional and mental well-being both now and in the future. I also fear that transitioning would be very confusing to my 5, 6, and 7 year old siblings, who look up to me as a role model, all the while being home-schooled in a Christian/Republican household.

In addition, I have very few friends that I feel would accept me after transitioning, or if they even learned that I was considering it, and due to jealousy on my fiance's part, I have cut my ties with pretty much all female friends I've ever had. I don't really know the first thing about being female, as I've carefully cultivated a masculine persona and demeanor and suppressed my female side since I was young. I don't know how easily or successfully I could transition, and I don't have a supportive group of friends, which would probably be enough for me to decide to go ahead and do it.

I'm also (as shallow as this must sound) afraid that I won't pass if I do, and that would be a problem for me. I've always had long hair, and I've been mistaken for a woman before briefly on rare occasions, but if I did go through with it I would want to pass entirely. I have a large head though. I feel like I may be able to pass with just HRT and possibly minor FFS, but it's still a major concern. I'm also 5'11 and I have a thick torso (not fat, I just have a large ribcage and broad shoulders). I have a very mannish body and mannerisms, and I can't stand it.

All I know is that every day since I was young, I've wished with all my being that I had been born female, and I feel like I'm split into two mes. There's the male side of me which I feel is very dark, destructive, and angry, and then me female side which is bright, nurturing and optimistic. I would love to transition, and live as a woman, and be a mom (adoptive mom, of course), and be a wife to the man I'm with. But that's about where the fairy-tale outlook on it ends, as it would destroy my parental relationships, I'd be cut off from my siblings and shunned by my family in general, I'd lose the few friends I've chosen to keep around, and if for some reason my fiance couldn't handle me transitioning after all, and left me, I would have absolutely nothing. I feel like transitioning may not be a smart choice for me, as it could entirely ruin my life, but I also feel like it is the only way I could truly be self-fulfilled.

I guess I'm just looking to get an outside perspective on my situation. I'm in extreme emotional turmoil over this, and it's worse now than it's ever been. I have nobody to really talk to about this. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read and/or respond to this massive essay :p . I'd love to hear your thoughts.

[Ms Grace]

Hey Eveninglight

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

The concerns you raise are common amongst many people prior to transition. In some cases those fears were completely unfounded and in others they were just as bad as imagined. The thing is you don't know until you know. I'd suggest that at the moment you consider taking one day at a time, if you haven't already it would be useful to talk with a gender therapist or a counsellor to discuss these issues further. The process takes a while so even if you start out and decide it's not for you then you have room to reverse.

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Cheers

Grace

[Squircle]

Yeah pretty much what Grace said! We've all been there and felt how you do now; the details vary but the theme is the same. All I would say is that sometimes you have to live for yourself and be the person you want to be, not the person others expect you to be.

Also, I had the same fears regarding my friends, and now I have more friends than ever 😊

Good luck!

[stephaniec]

it always helps to thrash these kind of situations out with a gender therapist.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Eveninglight

Let's look at the positives:  that you are in a loving relatiohship and he'd be supportive is a massive plus point.  I think this is really important.

Your family may not initially like your transition, but you need to ask whether on a fundamental level they love you or judge you.  My family watched me go from "straight" to gay to trans, but were always supportive.  I fail to understand why a Republican father would love you less than, say, a Democrat, to be honest.  Parents either care about your well-being, or they do not. And I infer, from what you say, that your family is not hostile to you as a person.

Fitting in is a major issue for many on us.  Finally I feel comfortable in my skin, and yes, I do fit in.  I don't think that the gender of friends is that relevant- we have a mix of those, and of course, males tend to have more male friends and vice versa.  That would change if you transition, and certainly for me, it's just so much more comfortable having female friends, although I do conserve my male friends, since largely their partners are secure and know I'm not trying to steal their husbands.

About mannerisms:  honey, many of us ferociously suppress who we are, and after part of a lifetime, it's hard to perceive onesself as a female.  But, once you give yourself permission to be a woman, it's quite amazing how she just starts to assert herself.  I was always seen as a more delicate, gentle male, but I could show my teeth and testosterone in a boardroom meeting if needed.  But once you start to peel away the layers of socially and self-imposed gender behaviour, miracles can happen.  You do need to play a very active role in your behavioural transition - it often requires hard work to learn to walk, run, speak, stand and act as the gender you wish to be - how much of this is relevant to you would become evident when you start.  For me, the first three months were odd, uncomfortable and challenging.  Then I had FFS, and by month five there was only a girl;  my friends, family and colleagues only see a girl.  (I still see a work-in-progress, but that's not a trans woman thing - it's a woman thing!)

The reaction of your friends and colleagues depend on your attitude mainly, and, to some extent, how effectively you're seen as a girl.  But I can say that I had almost no problems, and people have been actively involved in my transition, are curious about it, and give massive support.  It's a question of attitude, openness, and how you project yourself.  If you're friendly and happy it would obviously be a great help.  I've not lost any friendships, although some have changed a little, as many friendships do throughout life.

I understand your concerns about your physical size, and this is one area where it's necessary to be realistic about outcomes.  An interesting experiment is to take public transport and look carefully at people.  You'll probaly see a fair number of women who are pretty much in your shoes physically, and there's no question that they are women.  In this sense they just accept that they are female and have to work with a body that won't be found on a catwalk.  It may not be a real obstacle in your case:  if you read through many posts on this site, you'll find that your attitude is frequently more important than your physical characteristics.    If you are concerned about passing, consider spending some money:  get a good stylist or makeup artist to fix you up and disguise some of your more male facial characteristics, and find a friend who will help you with some appropriate clothing and perhaps a wig.  I'm not saying that you will need all these props going forward, but they will give you an idea of how you could pass.

Take your time; see a good therapist, and when you are ready to move in some chosen direction, go for it and do it with enthusiasm and 100%.

Regards
Julia

[Eveninglight]

I think I'm going to find a therapist in my area to talk to, I think that will help. I;m just so torn and confused about this right now. Thanks for the responses, between the chat and the forums this site is helping me so much already. I'll definitely be on here a lot more in the future, especially if I decide to transition. Thank you for the advice.

[Julia-Madrid]

I think I'm going to find a therapist in my area to talk to, I think that will help. I;m just so torn and confused about this right now. Thanks for the responses, between the chat and the forums this site is helping me so much already. I'll definitely be on here a lot more in the future, especially if I decide to transition. Thank you for the advice.

Don't stint on therapy, even if it's expensive.  Changing gender is a huge thing, and you need to be sure that you want it and understand its consequences.  It may not be necessary for a therapist to be a gender specialist, but it does help if they have this experience.  Also, don't think only about "going the whole hog" - perhaps a partial transition would be what works for you.

[Eveninglight]

Also, thank you so much Julia, I enjoyed reading your response. I've been thinking about trying to find a "woman coach" (as silly as that may sound) who can kind of help me learn. I have a horrendous fashion sense and haven't done anything more with my hair than growing it out and cutting it all off multiple times. I have someone in mind to talk to about it, I just haven't talked to them in a while. I'm a very shy person, especially where this is concerned, and so opening up to a stranger or going to a stylist seems incredibly intimidating to me. I also live in a busy city, and people around here seem to be way more judgemental and hostile than I've observed in other parts of the state/country. I know these are things I'll have to overcome eventually. But thank you so much for the advice

[Julia-Madrid]

Hey Eveninglight

You are realy welcome.  Those first few steps are often horrrrrrrendously difficult - taking your deepest and most private inner thoughts and converting them to external words and actions.  But this does become easier, and you'll get to the stage where you'll walk into a store and casually say "Hi, I'm transgender and I need someone to help me with a bra fitting."  Despite what you say about life in a big city (which one is it, by the way?) I find strangers to be very supportive.  I'd strongly perfer a reasonably cosmopolitan city to transitioning in a little town where everyone would gossip and invent whatever trash they feel like.

If you want to talk in a more private setting, feel free to send me a message - some of our life situations seem to be similar.

xxx
Julia

[Mariah]

Hi Eveninglight, welcome to Susan.s. your among friends now. I look forward to seeing you around the site. Good luck and hugs
Mariah

[katrinaw]

Welcome Eveninglight...

Having the weight of 2 personalities since a very early age is certainly reasonable grounds to explore your true Gender ID, I had been covering mine most of my life, was only about 15 years ago that I found out that my issues were really real! and that I wasn't the only one, but I had come far, conforming to the model.

Families are important and clearly you have a strong relationship with your mother, however I understand the potential issue.

As already mentioned getting with a Gender therapist will reap rewards for you, sort of clears your mind and allows you to consider and plan. There are many of us around the site who have compelling stories of getting to who they are now, its never easy, but the rewards, if you accept your true identity will bring peace and stability into your life and its a bonus having the support of a partner.

When you mentioned not fitting in with boys at school and not really a girl, because of... it took me way back to my school life and teens and to be fair even through my married life, I have always enjoyed female company, chit chat and the bubbliness and conversations far more than male company, although I have had and do have a few very good male friends.

I have a very close female friend as well, she was very close a few years ago, but a distance and job roles have meant we are not as close as we were, but we do still keep in contact, I will be coming out to her soon, hoping, knowing her cosmopolitan and unbiased views that she can be my female support and coach during my final stages of transitioning. I already have a couple of friends that I have come out to, a transgendered and a close male friend.

Good luck with your journey, look forward to seeing you around the forums.

L Katy 

[Eveninglight]

So since I was last on here, I talked about it more with my fiance, and while he was initially supportive, he's told me now that he's unsure whether or not he can deal with me transitioning, if I was to go through with it. He says he feels like allowing me to change myself in this way would be like giving up a part of himself, and he's afraid that I would change so much that he couldn't feel the same way for me if I was female instead of male. I'm not sure what position this leaves me in. I feel like my choices are give up on exploring who I am or give up everything else in my life, and any sense of stability I may have.

I really don't know what to do. I've already taken your advice and am definitely going to start seeing a therapist soon, I talked to a friend of mine who knows a gender therapist who's helping two of her friends transition, apparently he's a very good therapist who is knowledgeable about these issues.

Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts and supportive words, it means a lot and really helps knowing that I'm not alone in feeling this way. I've never had the courage to share my feelings about this with anyone, ever, but thanks to all of you I'm already feeling a lot more in tune with myself and I'm finally getting the motivation to talk to a therapist and get this all worked out. I'm still a wreck at the moment but I'm hopeful that things will work out. Thank you all and good night! <3

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Eveninglight

Um, this is a complex one.  Nobody can tell whether you'd change in ways that your fiance would find unacceptable - it totally depends on what and who you want to be.  There are so many graduations between full-on male or female.  I know women who have not proceeded with SRS, and they are totally fulfilled by this; others find that SRS is fundamental to their self-realisation.  Similarly with things like behaviour.  Perhaps you will evolve very rapidly to behaving like a woman, and maybe this would be uncomfortable for your fiancee, or maybe not.  Or maybe you'd find a gender-neutral behaviour which would be good for both of you...

It's odd - so much about gender and attraction are in the mind.  I had a boyfriend when I realised that gay was not my path, and made the decision to transition.  We're still friends, I still find him hot, but he's totally uninterested sexually, because, despite maintaining my bits (well, for a couple more months), he can only deal with guys.   On the other hand there are gay guys who would be quite accepting of an outwardly female partner, as long as there is still a penis.  There are no rules in this game whatsoever.  Perhaps you could talk very frankly with your partner about what level of transition he'd be able to accept.

I totally understand the conundrum of trading self-realisation for the security of being in a happy relationship.  It is often a really hard choice, and I have seen people who agonise deeply about it.  But there is frequently a peace to be had in finding your true self.  Together with self-realisation many people find it more important to be true to themselves than to hide behind a façade for their entire lives.   

I think these things will become clearer once you work with a therapist.  Don't be scared of opening up, even if it's uncomfortable:  you'll learn a lot about yourself.

Hugs
Julia