I'm Joanna, nice to meet you. Dysphoria? But I'm married, 50 and terrified.

[Jacqueline]

Greetings all,

I'll start by saying I'm pretty shaken up. I have a few questions at the bottom but thought I would introduce myself.

I am 50 with 3 kids and coming up on our 25th wedding anniversary. I love my wife and kids. I have never been an overly happy person but not always depressed. I also have had a "deep, dark, guilty, secret".

4 months ago I went for the first time to meet with a therapist. Shaking in my boots I had done some looking around on the internet and come to a conclusion. I thought I just had this weird kink for my whole life. Now I saw that I was by definition a closeted cross dresser. Saying that aloud to the therapist was terrifying for me. It was breaking all the rules of self protection. My first requests were, no drugs and what do I have to do to not tell anyone and be "fixed". I think I knew deep down there was no way that most of those requests could be fulfilled while still actually taking care of the emotional and mental issues. After all this time I had purged a number of times and still had the compulsion to buy women's clothes.

Long story short. My therapist and I have been exploring my background and I have been trying to delve into my memories for any clues. I have been casting about reading articles on the web, secretly buying books about cross dressing and transitioning people, lurking on a few sites, taking gender and brain sex tests and comparing this all to how I feel and have lived. I feel I don't fit the general descriptions and feelings of most cross dressers. I guess I am transgender and beginning to think that I should have been female and now it all just feels so late and sad.

I was not one of those kids who at the age of 5 knew I was a girl. I just never fit in with the boys I was expected to play with. "Sensitive" was the work I had heard my Mom use. I had started trying on my Mom's and sister's things by about 7 or 8. The problem is I have very few memories of myself before 5th or 6th grade. The one thing I do remember is that I did not want to grow up. Grown ups thought it was very cute but I was serious, it seemed like a really bad idea. I continued to borrow and later buy women's garments. I never became one of the compensating, strongly male types. I just grew up as an awkward kid. Never fit in, lots of other "oh woe is me", types of descriptions but it should have been a happy childhood.

Now 40 some odd years later, I have been battling bouts of depression and trying to keep my secrets hidden and myself together. My wife has been terribly worried about me for a year or two but I have yet to tell her. She tells me how she loves me, the hair on my chest and how handsome a man I am. I am terrified to tell her that all she loves about me I hate. I can't stand the hair on me, whats between my legs, and the ugly old man looking back in the mirror. It was only just recently that I realized I have never really recognized the face looking back at me. I used to spend time staring into the mirror moving my eyebrows confused, like it was a trick. It's like I have been controlling a puppet that is way bigger than it should be(I'm not that big). It has always felt like everything was a little too hard and disconnected. Maybe that's how life is? However, when I was younger, I at least looked better and had one of those angular, almost effeminate, pretty boy faces.

Why am I rambling on? I want to delete this all and go hide but I think it is important as my first public announcement. So sorry and thanks to anyone reading this far. Coming up to the questions soon. I am in equal parts fascinated (like watching a detective movie from a distance as they working through all the clues) and terrified as this all unfolds. How did I make it this far without any of this coming to a head till now? Am I just finding  a way to avoid buying a really expensive sports car?

I am still not sure which forums to read. Mostly because I am trying to classify myself. Any suggestions?

Are there forums or support groups for people of my age? I find many for younger folks but little to no luck for my age bracket, specifically.

I have held off telling my wife till I was more sure of above mentioned classification. I had read that sometimes if you are so unsure and emotional when first talking to your wife, it can make it worse. She will have many questions, doubts and fears and if I am not somewhat prepared it can compound all that for her. So unfair for her. I have read it is a bad idea and have no desire to show myself to her dressed to "out" myself. I feel that even if I were fully transsexual that I could not transition because I owe her so much of the happiness I have had for the last 25 years. No little girl grows up thinking, "When I grow up, I want to marry a cross dresser or maybe a transsexual", happy anniversary, honey. Yet I yearn for the clarity and calm that so many describe after starting hormone treatment. I know I have to make my own decisions I am looking for some support and starting to reach out to a wider community.

Almost off topic, has anyone noticed a high percentage of the trans community to be dyslexic? It's a weird little thought I had.

I really do not want to add this last part as it seems like such a dramatic red flag waving thing. I have seen the statistics of suicides in the transgender community. It would be terribly selfish. It would devastate my kids. It would be a terrible thing to do to my wife. Have any of you had and or felt the allure of it come and go? If so, what did(do) you do to work through it?

How's that for a "Hi, I'm new to the neighborhood. What's your name?"

Calling myself,

Joanna

[Jayne]

Hiya

You're not alone, don't panic.

You say you're looking for a support group, well you've found what I consider to be the best on on the web

I've spent most of my life battling depression & doubt so if you have any questions then i'd be happy to help & there are many people here who would also be willing to give you oodles of advice.
The best way to deal with depression is to speak to a Dr, you can be referred for therapy & if you feel it's bad enough then the Dr can give you medication to help, neither one of these is an instant solution to depression. I'm sorry to say there are no instant solutions that I know of.

When I felt overwhelmed by problems one of my "tricks" was to write my problems on paper, sit down, read it through then burn the paper (carefully). In my mind i'd accepted the problem by writing it down & erased the problem by burning the paper. This didn't mean I was ignoring the problem it just gave me the ability to clear my mind & think of the solution more than the problem.

I'm sure i've overlooked many questions you asked & i'm sorry about that

We're here to help so feel free to ask

Jayne

[Mariah]

Hi Joanna, Welcome to Susan's. Your among friends now and your not alone. It took a great amount of courage to share your story and journey so far. I look forward to see you around the site. Good Luck and hugs
Mariah



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[V M]

Hi Joanna 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Rachel]

Welcome to Susan's.

I am 53, one child and married 22 years.

I too was overwhelmed facing my fear.

[stephaniec]

welcome

[Jacqueline]

Thanks for the welcomes and kindness. It is a relief to hear from people that may be/have been experiencing things I am going through. I will admit it all feels very surreal.

I am in therapy currently. Like the idea of writing things down then burning it. I did something like that years ago at a group exercise in training. It was listing perceived faults.

Thanks again,

Joanna

[Jayne]

I have battled boughts of depression through the years, at my lowest point I would go for up to 5 days without sleep, when I tried to sleep I'd cry constantly until every pilloiw I owned was soaking wet with tears.

Why am I telling you this?

So hopefully you'll believe me when I say that things do get better and when they do the air smells sweeter and you truly appreciate the feel of the sun and breeze on your skin.
Sometimes we need to experience the bad times to appreciate how special even the most mundane things in life are.

No matter how dark the night may seem the dawn is drawing ever nearer

[warlockmaker]

Welcome to Susans and I can honestly say that this site has helped me so vey much. I am older than most and older than you, a girl never discloses her real age tho...haha. I have found answers to my questions, in the forums,  as I have evolved and continue to find need to find answers to my fears and hopes in the mental side and the physical side. I have 4 children ages from 30 to 3 1/2 and married 3 times. I find keeping a positive attitude to be so important and do tell your wife, you may get a pleasant suprise at the support. You are a female and we discuss your inner feelings, forget the male that keeps this inside, open up to her. Have fun its a facinating journey and we are the specials one that get to live two lives in a lifetime. 

[katrinaw]

Welcome Joanna...

Firstly, you are definitely not alone, the caring for wife and family bit has been so high on my mind the last 13 years, once I made the decision of not being able to handle the dysphoria since before i knew the word. This year is my coming out year to her and the sizeable family of kids (adult) and grandkids, the last year has been turmoil in my mind... Only thing between me and destiny now is an income again, and courage! I think the latter is almost sorted out in my mind...

I am on HRT, but have still managed to hold sanity (thanks to HRT) and because of age the changes are not as big as if I were younger. I'm over 60 now... 

I have felt, now I understand what I have been containing all these years, that they were wasted years through ignorance and now the setting myself up.... But onward and forward!

Keep seeing your therapist and work out your best way forward, good luck hun 

Anyway, Welcome to Susan's you'll make lots of friends here, and the support by all is second to none!

L Katy 

[KelliL]

Hi Joanna, you are not alone.  Many of the feelings, doubts, and fears you have expressed have been shared by people here.

Kelli

[Jacqueline]

Oh my glow cloud (to quote my oldest daughter). You are all so supportive. Thank you so much.

I have never been terribly masculine, except in a like of carpentry and willingness to do home improvements. But that's more because I am cheap. However, the comment about sharing inner feelings really hits home. Not that I don't want to but I am finding that keeping this aspect of my inner self secret has conditioned be to bottle that all up.

I am no where near taking hormones yet but since starting therapy I feel like an emotional yo-yo. Has that happened to others? Near to calmness, then anxious, then on the edge of outbursts of anger, tears, and then a terribly dark place. However, while I am taking all too seriously, I feel that I come out of my depressive feelings faster, but then cylce again.
So weird.

thanks again,

Joanna

[traci_k]

Hey Joanna, Welcome to Susan's and I'm glad you found us!

Guess what, you're not alone. Reading your story I saw a lot of myself, such as not recognizing the face in the mirror. You know, if I saw myself on the street, I probably wouldn't recognize me. I'm also older, 59 and went through the depression a few years ago, wishing a hundred times a day I wish I were dead.

Remember - Suicide is NEVER an option. It is too permanent and precludes the possibility of things getting better. Best thing to do is see a therapist. If you've got an employee assistance program it might not even cost you anything. Make an appointment under the pretext of seeking help for the depression, even your wife would understand that. Otherwise, if you're seriously considering it, see the hotline numbers posted here.

As for what you can do, you should find the therapist helpful. You see, one of the things bothering us older girls is thinking about "things that might have been." What's done is done and we can't go back. But there is the future. Even if you're stuck like I am in a marriage I don't want to destroy AND with a sixteen yo son, both of whom would be devastated if I transitioned. But there are things you can do. My therapist had me paint my toenails, in wintwer nobody else could see, but I knew and it made me feel better. Getting involved here or working for the betterment of trans-youth is another. One way of combatting depression is to takes our eyes off ourselves and doing for others.

As to why it's hitting harder now? For some of us, transitioning wasn't possible in the 60's or 70's so we tried to build as normal a life "normal" a life as possible, even while we were clost cross-dressers. As we age however, and this is my opinion, testosterone levels drop and estrogen becomes more powerful, guiding us into the path we know we should be on.I had my GP write a script for T and E level tests and my E level came back normal low for a FEMALE and also normal-low for a male. No wonder I was feeling more like a woman than I had in the past. Don't be afraid, there are many late-transitioners here. Again, you are not alone and maybe there are steps short of transition that you can use to both express your feminine side and keep your marriage together.

So hang around here, get involved, ask questioners, make friends. We are here to help you get through. We are here for you.

Hugs and welcome!

[Jacqueline]

Thanks for the comments Traci.

Very encouraging. You're advice about supporting others and youth is a great suggestion. I agree with you about putting focus on others to not dwell on oneself.  This will be something I can do more of now that it is nearly summer here. My job is fairly cyclical and I go through periods where there is nothing else I can do. I would assume that that also causes some negative feelings while living through it.

Thanks again,

Joanna

[gennee]

Welcome to Susan's, Joanna. It can be scary but in the end it can be worth it. I came out ten years ago at age 56. I'm 66 and have never been happier.