Bittersweet

[Lady Smith]

It's really good to know that the reason why I'm the way I am is because I'm a DES child.  For years I'd been aware that my Mum was on a hormonal treatment to help with conception problems during the 1950s (I was born in 1954), but it wasn't until I heard about DES children and started to do some reading into what DES was and the effects it caused in the children of women who had been prescribed DES that suddenly a very bright and illuminating light clicked on in my head.  Suddenly I had the answer to why my childhood had been so confused, why I'd always felt like a fish out of water, why I'd never been able to identify with boys my age, being afraid of males, being on the intersex spectrum..... and all the other drama which I don't really need to list because I'm sure you've heard it all before.

But also knowing is bittersweet because now all the emotions from my childhood I'd hidden away have burst out of their hiding places and I find myself alternating between wanting to burst into tears and wanting to punch someone's lights out.  Being a sensible kind of woman I'm going to find myself a therapist and talk all this stuff out because it's no good being in this kind of emotional space feeling all this old pain.

As some of you know I write and looking back on my old manuscripts I've written a lot of stories with a third gender as a theme.  The longest manuscript was written while I was transitioning and now looking at it with my freshly enlightened gaze I can see that subconsciously I knew exactly what was going on with me.

After all these years of living as myself I thought all the surprises were over, but it seems that there are more to come.  I'm not angry with my Mum by the way, Mum was simply trying to do the right thing according to the medical advice she was given.  Being angry isn't a good place to be though and I do need to sort that out before I do punch anybody.  Being a religious sister and being arrested for brawling in the street is not a good look.

[katrinaw]

I was born in 53 (uk)... I have no idea whether my mother was on DES, certainly reading the other thread its possible, Unfortunately I can't ask her as she struggles with severe memory loss now.

Not sure whether knowing would help me now tho, but certainly could have been a contributary fact.

L Katy 

[Tysilio]

But also knowing is bittersweet because now all the emotions from my childhood I'd hidden away have burst out of their hiding places and I find myself alternating between wanting to burst into tears and wanting to punch someone's lights out.  Being a sensible kind of woman I'm going to find myself a therapist and talk all this stuff out because it's no good being in this kind of emotional space feeling all this old pain.

I know this state, and those feelings. When I first read about gender-nonconforming children, a couple of years ago now, I just lost it. Starting when I was no older than five, my mother made it very clear that I wasn't good enough. I knew that she wanted a daughter and pretty much didn't get one, and I also "knew" that it was my fault. When it hit me that I was that kid, that I had been totally normal, albeit "different," a lifetime's pain and rage broke through some sort of dam. It was terrifying -- I've never felt so out of control. I was scared enough by my reaction that I called a friend and said "Hey, can I come over, I don't think I can be alone right now." When it came time to see my therapist, I had to take a valium so I could calm down enough to feel safe to drive. (Yeah, I know... )

Therapists are good for this stuff. I was fortunate to have a good one with whom I had started to work on gender ID stuff.  But realizing that it wasn't a case of my being somehow flawed psychologically or spiritually, that I really was born this way and it's OK, did a lot to help me heal.

I hope it works that way for you, too.

[Lady Smith]

Thanks Tysilio, I'm sure I'll get all this worked out just fine so I can get back to being my usual contented self.  What you said about a lifetime's pain and rage breaking through a dam is exactly what it felt like for me too.  Talking with my demi-girl daughter earlier today I said it was like having a dump truck tip its load out on me, but the image of a dam bursting is closer to the truth.

A big worry for me was the possibility that DES grandchildren could or might be affected too, but my very sensible and intelligent daughter who had studied such things at university pointed out to me that her own intersex condition is definitely tied to other genetic markers and other things like her own testosterone being toxic to her precludes any DES effects being present.  That was a big weight off my mind because I was all set to start beating myself up for passing my problems onto her.

Katy, a lot of children from our generation have been found to have been affected by DES, but without knowing your Mum's medical history it's impossible to say for certain if it was a contributory factor.  I'm glad I found out, but on the other hand blissful ignorance wasn't doing me any harm either.

[big kim]

57 model here from UK.I don't know if Mum took DES but it would explain a lot.My sister(born in late 59 nearly 2 years after me) has always liked being a girl though she was quite a tomboy as a child

[Jill F]

I don't know for sure if it was DES or not, and it's moot at this point why i am transgender, but if by some chance DES saved me and my brother from being miscarried, then I can't completely vilify it.  I'm damned glad to be here now.

[Cindy]

I was a DES child, Mum treated to prevent miscarriage to have their dearly wanted son... Tysilio I know exactly where you are coming from

Just in my case my Irish Catholic parents didn't want a daughter at that time. They already had my sister.

I do recall a quote though: Is it really of any comfort to understand the molecular structure of a snowflake when you are buried in an avalanche?

[Lady Smith]

I was a DES child, Mum treated to prevent miscarriage to have their dearly wanted son... Tysilio I know exactly where you are coming from

Just in my case my Irish Catholic parents didn't want a daughter at that time. They already had my sister.

I do recall a quote though: Is it really of any comfort to understand the molecular structure of a snowflake when you are buried in an avalanche?

I'm certainly glad to be here rather than not so I'm grateful to DES for that.  And I suppose all that old anger and pain was going to burst the dam sometime so the nature of the trigger is really neither here nor there.  It's not as if I didn't know that Mum had been prescribed artificial hormones back then and I had been wondering about that for a long time, - so it's no good tearing my heart out over it.  I will still see a therapist about it though to work through all the old pain stuff.

In the meantime I'll do things like write an angry novella and make stuff that involves fire, hot metal and hammers until I feel better about everything.

[Ms Grace]

I'm a '66 model, I know my folks were having difficulty having a baby so I don't know if my mother took anything (I believe she did) and if so what it might have been. When I came out to her the one big question she had was had she done anything to cause me to be trans? I said "no, nothing at all"...it may or may not have been the truth but I just didn't want her feeling guilty. This might sound a bit screwed up but if I am DES then I'm utterly fine with that, not being a DES son would probably mean being just a "son" and I can't picture myself that way. Yes, I'd rather be a transwoman than a cis man...if that's the DES talking then I have no problem with that at all.

[Lady Smith]

My Mum always worried that the therapy she'd had to conceive my sister and I had harmed us in some way.  My sister is very much asexual and told me once that she has never felt like a woman so I couldn't really say to Mum in any kind of convincing way that it hadn't caused the both of us to be gender atypical.  I did tell Mum that I was glad to be alive and here though.

I know what you mean Grace, I'd rather be who I am than a cis-man so perhaps DES did me a favour in the long run.

With regard to my intersex issues though I still have regrets that I wasn't completely intersex, though I think that has a lot to do with my deep seated distaste for and dislike of men and not wanting to be associated with them in any way.
Something tells me that when I see a therapist I'm going to be there for the long haul (sigh).

[Lady Smith]

I had a good talk to my doctor today about the whole DES thing and she is going to talk to the mental health services coordinator for our area about finding me a therapist who is best qualified to help me.  Explaining it all to my doctor brought back the pain again, but at least I've made a positive step towards dealing with it.