Seeking work advice

[Ian68]

So, as I've mentioned before elsewhere on the site, I'm completely "out" and have been since starting my current program.  Everyone I work with knows that I'm transgender, and they know that I prefer masculine pronouns, and all of them and most of the professors respect that (they slip up occasionally, and given that I don't bind, I can't blame them).  But.  One of my office mates "slips up" at least twice a week, if not more, and we've seen each other for hours a day, almost every day for nine months.  This person is very young, but I know that they're not transphobic.  I think the issue is probably that they have very rigid ideas of what men and women are supposed to look like (they very incorrectly labeled me as "non-binary" once), and also, I'm not a priority for them.  OK.  I get that I'm not a priority, but it's about respect, plain and simple; if someone consistently misgenders me, they do not respect me - this is how I feel.  But I really don't know what to do about it.  Now, my other office mate has started to misgender me, I think because it keeps happening, and has been happening more lately (which is the reverse of what would be expected!). 

Advice?  I'm at the point of wanting to switch offices, but don't want to cause a chasm.  I'm thinking that I should just wait until someone misgenders me again, and then speak out about it then, but I'd appreciate some advice and perspective.  Am I being overly sensitive about this or what?

[FTMax]

First - sorry this is happening to you. I don't think you're being overly sensitive. Misgendering is disrespectful, and I feel like nine months of knowing someone is more than adequate to use the correct pronouns with them. I have been using a misgender jar (pay me a quarter whenever you use my birth name or she/her) with my family, as they have had the most difficulty remembering. Not sure it has a place in a professional setting though

Do you feel comfortable advocating for yourself, or do you think a more neutral third party would be better? You could (1) have a discussion with the individual yourself, (2) ask someone above you to have a discussion with them or facilitate a discussion between the two of you, or (3) give a little spiel during a staff meeting.

#3 may be the most uncomfortable option, but I think it may be the most beneficial if you're already in an accepting environment. It doesn't single anybody out, you hypothetically only have to do it once, and everybody gets the same message.

[Mariah]

Sorry that this is happening to you. Have you tried sharing your feelings with them in regards to this and hurtful it is to you when they misgender you. This might solve the problem without having to switch departments. Hugs
Mariah

[suzifrommd]

Two possibilities: (1) It's accidental. This person is misgendering you in their mind. Might help to have a long talk about how a trans man is a man, full stop. If it matters. If not, ignore it. (2) It's deliberate. In that case it's disrespectful, insulting, anti-social, and plain mean. At that point it becomes a matter for supervisory and HR folks to sort out.

I tend to be very forgiving to people who misgender me accidentally. I must confess I frequently misgender my trans friends because despite the fact that I know with every fiber of my soul that they are 100% women, somehow they occupy a masculine part of my brain and I can't seem to move them where they belong.

[alexis.j]

U know what? I have come to the conclusion that its very confusing for people to understand the "transgender" thing... as there are so many different types of us that now fall under the term "transgender ".
I never tell anyone that im transgender anymore, but rather that i am "transexual ", as that explains exactly where a fall on the spectrum. (Yes i am aware that some dont like the word or thinks it sounds "dirty", but in all fact that best describes what i am, period!)

[Ian68]

Thank you for the responses.  I think that I'll probably do some variation of what FTMax suggested (#3).  I facilitate meetings for the graduate students in my program (usually weekly), and will make an announcement there (or maybe send an email if people don't show up to the meeting), something along the lines of:

"While most of you have been and continue to be really awesome about using the correct pronouns and generally treating me like anyone else, there are some who continue to habitually misgender me, and even make off-handed comments about how I identify and express myself.  I really didn't want to be demanding about it because I recognize that it takes effort on your part.  However, at this point, it's been over nine months, and this is no longer an issue of simple misgendering but of being incredibly disrespectful.  I can't interact with people who refuse to show the same level of respect that I show to them so, if this persists, I will be distancing myself from those who are very knowingly being disrespectful - and I will not mask the cause of this break from the professors or other graduate students, nor will I be the one to initiate reconciliation later on if they want it."

It's probably harsh, but at this point, I am hating coming in to work (which I otherwise love), and that's unacceptable.  If the people doing this keep it up after that, I'll go to my department chair and request to change offices, and tell them exactly why.

@Suzi, I also tend to be very forgiving but at this point, it's too much.  I've only ever misgendered one person *once,* and I felt terrible.  They were non-binary so, I think they took it very well but I still felt like the biggest jerk ever.  Thankfully, I've never had a problem misgendering anyone else.

@Alexis: I actually *despise* the term transsexual, and would never use it for myself or anyone else unless explicitly told to do so, but that's me and my perspective on life, and people are totally entitled to their own opinions, and to identify however they're most comfortable.