Advice in Coming out to a Long term wife

[Jacqueline]

Greetings all,

I tried finding this subject doing a search. Could not seem to find this. I can only assume this has been covered many, many times.

I did not "know" all my life that I am a girl. I have had moments pointing to it for many years. Pre pubescent cross dressing that was kept secret, thoughts of fancy and fantasy, continued need to cross dress that comes and goes as my life has gotten worse or better. Not mentioning any of the potential dysphoria issues.

I have been married for 24 years(going on 25 this September). While I always knew something was "wrong with me" and I felt guilty about everything I had never put a name to it(denial?). My wife found me once and asked why I was wearing her clothes and I told her I didn't know but it just felt good (emotionally, I ran and hid). We really didn't speak about it again. That would have been in the first year of marriage.

We have three girls who just became teens. 13, 15, 17. I am very frightened but feel I have to talk to her. I have just started seeing a therapist for the first time a few months ago.

I love her very much and don't want to hurt her. I think I am more than a cross dresser. I am convinced I am transgendered and perhaps technically a transsexual. I won't talk to the kids till my wife and I talk and choose a plan. I will not make any plans until I tell her and we discuss it.

I know I have to travel my own path but was wondering if anyone has advice on approach or has examples of what has worked and what has not.

thanks,

Joanna

[traci_k]

I can tell you what doesn't work. Having her find panties and a skirt, then a couple years later trying to have a serious conversation and telling her I was transgender. Problem wasn't the way I told her, it was that she had already labeled me a cross-dresser and she is also a young earth, very fundamentalist Christian and she had gotten involved with a support group which touts Denise Schick and Jerry Leech as credible. That was about 4 years ago, Haven't hugged, kissed, anything since then. If it wasn't for my 16 yo son, I'd have been gone long ago.

So a lot is going to depend on your wife's open-mindedness. Some here have supportive spouses, others are now divorced. Evaluate how your wife talks about LGBT issues. Is she open-minded or anti-LGBT.

Wishing you the best hon.

Hugs,

[ChiGirl]

It's not easy, but be upfront and honest, but avoid telling her too much information.  Don't go into details right away.  Give her some time to absorb the concept. 

The honesty is important.  She may feel you've lied to her all these years.  You were probably lying to yourself. 

Expect anger and tears, even if it doesn't come right away.  My wife was very sympathetic right after I told her.  That night, she cried all night.  The next 5 days were hell as she was nothing but angry at me.  It's been 3 months and she's much more accepting, although she still freaks at knowing details.

Come up with a plan with your therapist.  Your therapist can help guide you through this and avoid some landmines. 

BTW, even if she considers herself LGBT friendly, that may mean squat when it's her husband doing the coming out. 

I wish you the best of luck.  Hugs!  Remember you are not alone.

[Jacqueline]

Thanks for the posts.

Sounds like even in the best case scenario there is pain. I hope I have not reopened that badly for anyone replying to my plea for help.

All my gratitude and support,

Joanna

[Dee Marshall]

Also, FYI, the reason you couldn't find it is that so many of us are in that boat that it seems to end up part of half the threads here. If she's like my Sweetie she'll be upset that you didn't tell her months before you realized yourself. Be firm, but kind. She WILL have you doubting yourself. Also, expect to hear, "where did this come from? You never showed ONE sign of it!" It's easy not to remember little incidents with no context TG is just one big "no context" situation.

Oh, one last thing that can't be emphasized too much. When you tell her, her mind will likely go racing and she won't really hear anything you say for a good three days. Answer questions but expect to answer the same questions many more times.

[sparrow]

It's taken my wife about a year to get comfortable with this.  And I don't mean that she's happy about it all, or that she calls me by my preferred name more often than not.  I mean that she's come to terms with it and is doing her very best to be supportive.  She's learning to find silver lining... like borrowing a new skirt I bought before I had a chance to wear it!

For the first year... pain.  It hurt enough to put me into deep enough denial to not even see it myself.  And then I'd gradually find myself looking at girls, not because they were attractive, but because I liked their clothes.  And then I'd realize what was going on, panic over how the wife would respond, bottle it, and then at the very moment when she was most stressed out about her own stuff, I'd explode and it would be a horrible awful mess.  This happened several times, and the last triggered a nervous breakdown that put her in the hospital.  I'm seeing a therapist, she's seeing a therapist, and we're doing better.

It can get better, but do talk to your therapist about how to approach this.  They can discuss your wife's personality, expected reactions, etc. and if they're good, give reasonable advice.  I wish I had my therapist's guidance rather than going it alone, 'cause I sure made a mess of it.

[Melanie CT]

Everyone here has great advice. My wife knew I was transgender for a long time. Almost 20 years but not to the extent of wanting to transition. I received great advice here on how to talk with her last March. Listen to the advice from these great ladies. Be open and honest and like they said not too much information at once.

My thoughts are with you


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[Jenna Marie]

My main advice is always communication and patience; don't expect her to react well, and give her time to process her feelings. The most common reaction is fear and anger, and that's scary and ugly to watch, but it often is the *first* reaction... and with some time to adjust she may come around. As others have said, don't necessarily expect her to understand or process very much in the initial conversation.

And she may react well, you never know. That happens too.

You might want to check out the significant others section as well; you shouldn't post there, but there are lots and lots of stories from people on the other side of this revelation that may give you an idea of how to be gentle with her.

Lastly, the latest study into trans people suggests that about 545% of relationships survive transition, so don't listen to the doomsayers who say it's impossible. (My wife and I are still happily married and romantically involved after my transition - we'd been married almost 9 years when I came out to her, and that was [wow] six years ago now.)