Is the Feeling Mutual? - Open Dialogue to Finding Yourself

[unreality]

A little bit of backstory about me. I'm a 23-year-old male. I have a decent job that I hate, a loving girlfriend and 3 cats.  I'm very into health and fitness, fairly burly guy for someone of my stature. Bearded, piercings, often seen as fairly intimidating despite being fairly short.

I came to this site to start a sort of open discussion regarding when you really made your decision to transition. I'd like to hear not only some of your opinions on my story but I'd also like to hear yours, if you're willing to share.

As a disclaimer, I'm not looking for someone to answer my question and determine whether or not I "fit a script", I'm more interested in seeing if there's any similarity to what I'm feeling from someone else.

Since maybe middle school (12-14 yrs), I've felt a curiosity to being female. I can't say I ever felt like the world got it wrong with me, but I often felt like I wanted a new identity and that identity was female. I actually went as far as creating a fake identity through online social media for nearly two years. I didn't pursue anyone intimately or anything of that nature. I'm not sexually attracted to men.  It simply felt better to not be myself.

Fast-forward to today and I still feel the same. I do suffer from depression, however, I do not have a low self-esteem.  On the contrary, actually. Some nights I will spend hours staring at the ceiling almost wishing I could wake up as a woman, but I've always felt weird about it. I wouldn't classify my mind as male or female, it doesn't feel right to say either, since my thoughts don't strike me as social norm "feminine" or "masculine". It's not so much that I feel out of place in my body now, I like who I am, but if I had a chance to re-roll genetics and come out differently, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Feel free to discuss your thoughts and your stories. Can you relate to anything in this story? Was it something similar that led you to making the transition? I'd love to hear. Also, apologies if anything comes off as offensive or politically incorrect. I'm learning and mean no offense and will accept all learning opportunity.

[Mariah]

Hi Unreality, welcome to Susan's. First off their is no one script. Each persons journey of discovery in regards to their true gender and what they need to do is different. For me I hit a point where I knew I could know longer live with being male and had to move forward i life as my authentic female self. It took a big shock in my life to make me realize I needed to deal with this and it couldn't wait any longer. My gender has been a life long issue but that's because I'm interesexed. I look forward to seeing you around the site. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

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[Marly]

well a little of my story..may or may not be helpful.
I am 6' tall, with a completely shaven head (flipped the finger at male pattern baldness)
I am currently losing weight from a high of 257  (I am currently 205, and aiming for 165-170)
I too, have stared at the ceiling many times wishing I would be "magically" transformed while I slept.
Years have gone by, and I find myself finally beginning the "birth" of Marly. I am seeing a therapist who is going to be of help in this transition, mostly dealing with the changes and with my self-consciousness.  I haven't started HRT yet but am using this time to 'sort" myself, learn makeup, and work on my voice. I'm basically waiting until I reach my goal weight, since it is possible that HRT will add fat to me (in good areas I hope)
But my current appearance? well I am a six-foot stout guy who is also looking into laser electrolysis for my chin and neck (likely the upper lip too) 
I don't think your feelings are unusual at all. But it is important to make peace with who are, and who want to be in 2, 5 or 10 years. I struggled with for so long mainly because my sole attraction is to women. And I convinced myself for so long that actually being myself- and becoming who I feel myself to be - would jeopardize possibilities for relationships with women. But reached a point about a year ago, that I need to let go and give birth to Marly.  (I may change that name since too many think I am a dreadlocked ganja smoker LOL )

[suzifrommd]

My transgender started with an intense curiosity about females and their bodies. I don't have especially low self esteem. I actually liked myself a lot before I identified as trans, and I like myself even more now. I definitely never felt "like a woman" or that I had a woman's brain. I still don't, even after happily living full time as one  nearly two years.

So, yes, I hear a lot of what I relate to in your story.

[Maddy_Aya_W.]

I've been dealing with my femininity my entire life, even when I was really young, I secretly wanted to be female. Personally, I barely hit the point where I have to choose between male and female. As the days go on, I feel less and less of a connection to my Male persona, it has not been easy for me either. I feel like I've lived a lie for over 20 years, I'm also 23, and I'm ready for the magic switch that makes everything easy to fall out of the sky. The choice to transition is not an easy one, I know, in the back of my mind, that I am most likely going to transition. It excites me, It makes me happy, I can't wait to be the woman I've always wanted. Yet, I'm still scared, and anxious about what will happen. We never know what may happen, for all I know, I could have the easiest transition ever. That doesn't make the choice any easier. All and all, transitioning is up to you. If you feel ready, and really want to, go for it. Just remember, it's a huge decision, one that can set your life straight if it's really what you want. You have to determine when, and if it's right for you though.

Good Luck on your journey,
~Maddy

[chloeD33]

I suppose kind yes. I have always had a curiosity about the female gender since I could remember.. Then wished I was one when I was 7.... Didn't or don't remember much of that after until 13 and it had never gone away since and it got much worse. Now I have came out to everyone and am on hrt for about a week... And life is improving over time

[Rachel]

I knew I was female at age 5 and came out very firmly as such. It was meet with physical abuse. I cried myself to sleep at night, self mutilated and bound myself at a very early age.

From what I have seen and experienced no one wants to be different or feel lower on the social scale, divorce, being abandoned by children or fired from work. Yet we strive to be ourselves because it is the only way to feel right.

After all the books I have read about trans I would sum it up to being yourself to be free of being incomplete.

I am 52 now and in transition.

[katrinaw]

Hi Undecided, firstly welcome to Susan's

I am late in life, still not out to my wife and family, because I have cared to much about them and what it might do to them, about to change tho.
SUMMARY: ( )
Right from 4 or 5, maybe before? I knew I should have been born female, i used to lie in bed crying every night, praying to wake up as the real me in the morning, however it didn't work....
I tried all sorts of things around 6 to try and change my body... But never dangerous. Started xdressing at 6 never really stopped, tried many times... I was to afraid to tell anyone. I was in my mid forties before I realised I was not alone, and that there was a real term for what I had been tormented with... Because of my age I started HRT, still then and now trying to get over my guilt and telling my family, but after 12 years of HRT and many bouts of Dysphoria, each more than the other I now have no choice.... Just one more tick on the box... Income!

I hope you can find the answers you are looking for to decide who you are... Please join in and ask away.

L Katy