It was 6 years ago that I came to a point in my life that I knew my only hope was to take the trans-beast on... for real. I had realized that about all the major disasters in my life were the result of how I Was Not handling being trans. All my life I knew I wanted to be a girl. All my life I was told No Way, either by parents, society in general, and even myself. So I made a lot of compromises. I tried to adapt. Essentially forcing myself to be many things Not Me. Fear, Shame, Guilt; the big drivers. I had to be that sort of person, or else. Or else someone, somehow may see through the facade and my life will be over, found out to be "One of Those"
As in engineer countless times in my professional life I've encountered designs where one band-aid was put on top of another, on top of another, until inevitably it fails again. After being handed that pile of poop to fix and a lot of WTF'ing with no answers why things were done that made sense to be found. The solution is always clear. Rip all that extra junk out, put it back the way it started life, and take care of what was "Really" wrong, rather than all the other crap going wrong from all the other fixes.
For the first time ever I applied that technique to my own life. I realized that how I was handling it was not working. I had to try to unlearn all the bad ways and get new tools. The Goal.... To get these two great aspects of my life to peacefully coexist inside one whole healthy and happy person.
Male and Female were not the only aspects that needed to coexist together. I've been in love with my wife for over 30 years. We have a lot of shared hopes, wishes, and dreams of a future together. She also has some major health issues. I have my career, my job, which is something else I've also wished for since I was little. I get paid to have fun (mostly). I've also done or been heavily involved with some pretty cool stuff.
Transitioning for me was not an option. Been there, tried it twice in my early 20's with less then stellar results. In fact, six years ago it was the absolutely last thing on any wish list. My life, my world, was to precarious as it was. The very real potential losses transitioning would have did not far out weigh the potential gains of being female. Nevertheless, I still needed to embrace my female side, not try like crazy to bury or otherwise ignore it.
For the first time ever I tried to reach out for help. Unfortunately, while having spent about all my life living in the shadow of NYC this came upon me when I was working way out of state in rural West Virginia. Not exactly "TransCentral", as my wife calls the NY metro area. The closest help was found some 90 miles away at a TG Support Group. So I gave it a shot. What a shocker it was being in a living room filled with others whose life stories and feelings were so similar to my own. By my third meeting I was absolutely sure I needed to be there. I was also absolutely sure it was almost too late to tell my wife, still living 350 miles away in NJ, what was up.
Dropping the T-Bomb is never an easy thing, even on a spouse who knew from day 1 you had some sort of gender issues, even seeing you spending the occasional day presenting as female. Nope, I spent 30+ years saying "I'm just a cross-dresser". Going to group, one made up of mostly full-time MTFs, was a major escalation. Our tenuous relationship at that time somehow managed to stay together as well as my depressed, oft times suicidal wife, managing to hold it together. The weeks and months following needed a lot of TLC.
A LOT has changed in the following 6 years. Between a lot of working on myself, learning how to be a complete real person, learning how to perhaps unlearn not so healthy approaches to life, and a couple of special angels being there for me, I began to heal. As a result of that healing Joanne began blossoming. I found joy. I actually have hopes, wishes and dreams. I even feel that I led a worthwhile life, and accomplished some great feats. Especially for a fat, four-eyed, stuttering, mouth-breathing and balding moron, the viewpoint I mostly got growing up.
I still live and present primarily as male. I also learned along the way where my true joy lies. I also know all too well that life is a series of compromises and delicate balancing. What works today, may not tomorrow. My wife and I are perhaps closer today then we ever have been. Oh Yes, she is Not Thrilled over some things as well as the general direction of travel for me. Rightfully so. She did not marry a woman, as well as most hubbies do not have a B-cup.
This time of year is the worse for me and my dysphoria. A part of the cause being the advances I made. With the warmer weather you actually get to see what other women wear, not a big heavy coat. It eats me up knowing that today I cannot show off how good I finally feel being in my own skin. It sometimes takes a lot more effort than I thought to pull out of those funks. Not sure I really really do. Hence the looking in a mirror and seeing that sad old man rather then the happy pretty good looking for an old bat woman. Ironically, moving back into the shadow of NYC put a temporary halt on my part-time living as female life. Our goal is move out of this backwoods "Village" to someplace nearer to my job where I can once again live part-time, and see how it goes for her, for Us
One day at a time
