How Do I Support My Child

[FtM - Parent]

when I really don't understand! After raising someone as a specific gender, how do you change after 25 plus years to accept them as something else? 
The stories and events of the life they are saying they lived, are not the truth.  The stories of being forced to dress gender specific and play with gender specific toys are 100 percent fabricated.  They are not reality.  When I ask for specific examples of when grandma cried, or dad said something, or I did something else, they are not given, not remember, just very general statements. 
I have been lurking and reading many posts.  I admire all of you, I know that transition is not easy, fighting adversity and overcoming so much.  I do believe that people really can be "in the wrong" body....but...how do you really know if it is real or maybe just a phase? 
I feel so lost. 

[Lady Smith]

Acceptance of your child's reality is the key.  When my 'son' at age 14 told me she was really my daughter that was enough for me.  Trying to delve into the past looking for the moment in which my child 'changed' or was caused to 'change' is a pointless exercise.  As a parent all I want is for my child to be happy and as my daughter is now 30 and completely confident and secure within her own skin I know I made the right decision in supporting her.

[Promethea]

Please consider that experience and memory is subjective. While you may have not intended to force your son to do anything, he may have experienced that differently.

In my case, my parents never forced me to be a boy. Yet, they expected me to be one, they said a lot of things in that regard, they expressed their opinion every time I deviated from that, and they treated me assuming I was a boy. And they are awesome people I've always admired, so their opinion and a huge weight for me, bigger than they realised and probably more than it should.

So while they never forced me to do or not do anything, they did influence me a lot, and I ended up not doing so much of what I wanted, to do what they said they wanted.

They didn't force me... Yet I was forced. And that's why I had to go far far away from them to be able to transition.

Maybe you didn't force your son to dress girly, but by not expressly opening the possibility of him dressing more masculine, and him being only a kid whose view of the world depends on yours... he may have felt forced. Those feelings are as valid as yours. If you can validate those feelings, you can begin to heal a wound he has on his relationship with you, and you can begin to support him from there.

As to if it's real or a phase... If it doesn't go away it's not a phase. A therapist with experience in the subject (not in "curing" trans or gay people) can help him get his thoughts and emotions in order so he can find out what it is. But he's the only one who can write it off as a phase.

Thank you for seeking to know more. That itself is the biggest step to support him.

[Laura_7]

This might help you:
acceptingdad.com/2013/08/05/to-the-unicorns-dad/

This is really emotional stuff... take your time in reading...

some of the comments are nor really helpful... there are many who have made positive experiences...


hugs

[Ms Grace]

Hi!

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

For parents the announcement that their child is transgender can be very confusing. It is hard for people who are not transgender to fully comprehend the personal pain and issues faced by their trans child. For many of us we were raised within a society that expected us to be specifically male or female, not conforming to those expectations is met with resistance, ridicule and even punishment so we learn from an early age to hide our preference for being, and identification with, the opposite gender. In my own experience I learned the minimum behaviours I needed to display to get me through being in an all boys school without being beaten up. When I came out to my parents those very survival behaviours were used to argue against my claim that I was transgender. Many other people who are trans often believe that if they throw themselves into their assigned gender role 110% then they "will get over it", but inevitably they don't and their depression and disassociation only grows worse - when they do decide to admit they are trans and transition those previous attempts to conform are frequently used against them by people who "don't want to see them change". I guess what I would suggest is that your child might change, but with the right support they will change into a happier, more confident version of themselves... they will just happen to become the opposite gender.

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Cheers

Grace

[AndrewB]

...how do you really know if it is real or maybe just a phase? 
I feel so lost. 

It's okay to not understand, and not be sure on how this will affect your child in the future, but pushing against their wishes in the fear that it may just be a phase is not an acceptable excuse, and it's probably hurting them. My father was very slow to accept that I was actually trans, and my mom said she figured a lot of it had to do with him hoping it was a phase, that I wouldn't be faced with all that the trans community can and often does go through throughout their lives, especially during transition. What if it is a phase? Let them explore! Gender is a spectrum, and your child should be free to dip their toes into the other side; if they like it, they may jump in and swim a little further toward the opposite side of the creek. If it is a phase, they should be allowed to experiment, see how transition fits them, and decide for themselves whether it's right or not.

To put things in your own perspective: What if you had to come out as your birth gender, and was then forced to justify why you were that gender? What answer could you come up with on the draw aside from "Well, I've always been a woman!" Trans people should not have to justify any part of their identity—including gender or sex—to anyone but themselves. It shows a lack of trust, respect, and sympathy, all things that children should never have to see in their parents.

I'm sorry if all this is hard to grasp, but I do want to thank you for coming to Susan's in search of advice, insight, and hopefully understanding of a better perspective. It can also be very helpful if your child wishes to remain secretive with their gender identity for a while toward the general public, as I know my own mom struggled with bottling everything up until I came out.

[Lady Smith]

Having gone through transition myself I knew exactly what my daughter was going to face.  That saddened me, but not for one moment did I ever try to talk her out of what she knew to be her true identity.  From my own life experience I knew what trying to suppress who I was had been like and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.