Helping Family Understand.

[Muppet4-H]

Two days ago I came out to my family as trans and revealed that I want to transition. I'm 22 and just finished college, still living at home with my parents who help me to financially support myself so what they think is very important to me. Their reaction when I first told them was fantastic. They love me no matter what and support me going to counseling. I still have a place to live and all of that wonderful stuff.

Yesterday I went to talk with my mom more about this and I'm getting the impression that she doesn't actually believe I'm trans. She admitted to me that she's suspected I was gay since middle school (no attraction to men at this point so I know it's not that) because of my mannerisms, the things that I like, and the fact that I had almost solely female friends. She also said that I didn't like enough girly things to be trans. My style of dress is too masculine (loose but properly fitting jeans and t-shirts mostly) and I have masculine things I like to do (hiking, playing golf). She seems fully ready to accept that I'm gay (which again I'm not) because of the "signs" she saw, but she doesn't seem to realize that those same "signs" are indicative of me being a girl inside. She's also hung up on the fact that I didn't try to dress as a girl when I was a young child.

Today I tried to talk with her about my confusion that she would be able to accept me being gay but doesn't seem to accept me being trans. She said she just needs to play Devils advocate to make sure I want this because I'm moving too fast (I've only been REALLY seriously looking at how to transition for a couple months. She doesn't understand that I've had far less concrete thoughts for a MUCH longer time). She also said that if I do decide to do it she and dad are not willing to help financially with any part of the transition, because if I really want it, it has to be hard on me. I have to be willing to do the extra work to pay for everything on my own because otherwise I don't really want it.

Mom thinks that my feeling trans is a side effect of depression and anxiety. (I'm not diagnosed with either, but she feels that's what I'm truly experiencing). What do you all think and what can I do to help her understand that I truly am a girl and want to look like one?

[katrinaw]

Firstly, Welcome from me 

Two days ago I came out to my family as trans and revealed that I want to transition. I'm 22 and just finished college, still living at home with my parents who help me to financially support myself so what they think is very important to me. Their reaction when I first told them was fantastic. They love me no matter what and support me going to counseling. I still have a place to live and all of that wonderful stuff.

That is a real great place to start, having support is key... and glad that you're in counselling.

Yesterday I went to talk with my mom more about this and I'm getting the impression that she doesn't actually believe I'm trans. She admitted to me that she's suspected I was gay since middle school (no attraction to men at this point so I know it's not that) because of my mannerisms, the things that I like, and the fact that I had almost solely female friends. She also said that I didn't like enough girly things to be trans. My style of dress is too masculine (loose but properly fitting jeans and t-shirts mostly) and I have masculine things I like to do (hiking, playing golf). She seems fully ready to accept that I'm gay (which again I'm not) because of the "signs" she saw, but she doesn't seem to realize that those same "signs" are indicative of me being a girl inside. She's also hung up on the fact that I didn't try to dress as a girl when I was a young child.

Hmmm, there is no predefined pattern to Gender issues, some know very early in life, like as a young kid, like me, others much later, and I mean much later. Also being a cross dresser is no determining factor either, some do some don't. Many women play golf, many are greats, as for hiking, I know heaps of CIS females that hike, and hike hard!
In reality GID can strike at any time, sometimes once you realise there have been little trigger points, like little niggling things that did not make sense at the time.

Today I tried to talk with her about my confusion that she would be able to accept me being gay but doesn't seem to accept me being trans. She said she just needs to play Devils advocate to make sure I want this because I'm moving too fast (I've only been REALLY seriously looking at how to transition for a couple months. She doesn't understand that I've had far less concrete thoughts for a MUCH longer time). She also said that if I do decide to do it she and dad are not willing to help financially with any part of the transition, because if I really want it, it has to be hard on me. I have to be willing to do the extra work to pay for everything on my own because otherwise I don't really want it.

I think its understandable that she is playing devils advocate, she has accepted you more than many enjoy, she's being protective. Just keep talking, she will come around I am sure, maybe invite her to one or more of your Counselling sessions. As far as financial support through transitioning, it is not cheap, its also a measure of determination in some minds... Do you have a separate income stream, not sure if you do or not, Maybe show them determination by starting to save for the transitioning costs? they may decide to help you a little in time?

Mom thinks that my feeling trans is a side effect of depression and anxiety. (I'm not diagnosed with either, but she feels that's what I'm truly experiencing). What do you all think and what can I do to help her understand that I truly am a girl and want to look like one?

As I mentioned try and invite her to you counselling sessions, I am assuming they are related to GID?

Parents, especially Mom's are very protective over their children, especially mom's over their boys and Dad's over their little girls... when we decide to transition it really stuffs their natural order of things... be patient with them, never stop talking and demonstrate your consideration of them but above all your determination.

Hope that Kinda helps (I am a grandparent... )

L Katy 

[suzifrommd]

Today I tried to talk with her about my confusion that she would be able to accept me being gay but doesn't seem to accept me being trans.

She needs to understand that you are trans, and were born that way, whether she accepts it or not. Unfortunately the task of educating her falls to you. She needs to understand that she has two choices, to accept you as trans or not to accept you as trans, but neither choices has any effect on whether you really are trans.

In other words, the train of your transition is leaving the station. Your family can either be on it or watch it leave, but they're not going to stop it.

[Eveline]

Sweetie, it may just take time for your parents to accept that you are trans. I think they are worried you will make decisions now that you will regret later (especially when it comes to irreversible changes like FFS). As a parent, I worry about my kid's choices all the time. It is very hard to let go!

Once they see that "being trans" is not just a phase you are going through, they can stop worrying so much about bad decisions, and focus instead on how to support you in your journey. This may take some time, so patience on everyone's part is helpful.

Hugs!

[Laura_7]

Here is something that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,180045.msg1658077.html#msg1658077

I personally also like the twin comparison... you basically will be like your male/female twin, with the same sense of humour etc...


hugs

[brenda w]

talk to your therapist and check if you can bring your mom in with you sometime.

[Nickywhat]

It's great they are at least still loving and listening, some people aren't so lucky.  What you could do is perhaps sit them down and educate them on gender identity and how that affects you, perhaps even definitions of the words that encompass transitioning and the Transgender world.  That it isn't a black & white situation of what it means to be Trans.  I think it'll always take time for those you love to fully understand/accept/come to terms of such changes in a person's life.  Take it day by day and it may naturally right itself with proper talking and informing.  If they're comfortable with it down the road, could always take them to a therapist or a group of Transgenders at a meeting etc to kinda show them?  I wish you the best regardless, I'll be having my own "coming out" to my family and friends ( though waiting to start the process first).

[Muppet4-H]

So today Mom sent me a text answering the "why can you accept gay but not transgender question I had asked yesterday. Here's what I got:

You asked.  Heres the answer.  Please don't respond now.  If you're gay, you are still the awesome person that you are.   The person that I am consistently told how wonderful you are by others.  All of the things that I didn't realize bothered you so much are what makes you wonderful and special. If you transition you are no longer you.  Our history is erased.   Our pictures and memories become painful reminders.  I lose my identity as the mother who raised a wonderfulson and become the mother of someone that many will ridicule and shun.    If you make this decision I won't kick you out and ill always love you but it'll be different I'm sure. 

I don't even know how to respond. When I first told Mom about how I felt, I felt so supported.  Now I don't know how to feel . I don't want to lose my family.

[suzifrommd]

Hugs. She's putting you in a really difficult and unfair situation.

It sounds like she still thinks this is something she still thinks you can decide not to do. My suggestion would be to try to get her to understand that this is not a choice:

1. You are transgender. You were born that way. Her lack of comfort with it isn't going to change that.
2. You are experiencing dysphoria. It isn't going to go away on its own and you can't make it go away. Left untreated it can cause crushing depression and anxiety. You don't have the option not to have dysphoria. Your only options are to let it destroy you or to treat it.
3. The ONLY effective treatment anyone has EVER found for dysphoria is to transition.

It also wouldn't hurt to let her know you hear her concerns. Yes, it WILL be different. Yes, there will be people who ridicule, though the opinions of those people can't prevent you from getting the treatment you need. And yes, people will view her differently, though perhaps she'd rather be known as the person who supported her daughter's transition than the person who put obstacles in the way of you being yourself.

[Emileeeee]

I personally get the impression that she's still supportive. My mother went through a similar path and in the end, she took the time to explain clothing sizes to me as well as makeup and is still supportive. I get the feeling that she's misinformed.

From her perspective, this is a sudden thing. She doesn't know how long you've been thinking about it and if you've been actively trying to hide, as I did, you've been burying the evidence along the way too.

I've heard people say that trans people are just too afraid to be gay even though sexuality has nothing to do with it. It's possible that she's confusing the two as well. I know I did and it's been my own life.

My mother also blamed herself, questioning her own abilities as a parent.

Every person you tell also goes through a transition as well. When it comes to family members and spouses, there's no way around them telling most of the people in their lives too. Think about how hard it was to tell her about this when you already understand it. She doesn't get it and is now forced to deal with it head on. She's every bit as afraid to tell her friends as you were to tell her. She's building up her own fears on what their reactions will be, before actually telling them.

I think you need to provide her some resources to help her understand while also giving her some time. Bring her with you to see a therapist. Point her to these boards. Get her a book or movie that explains it.

[Laura_7]

Well two things might be the case...
she is holding on to an image...
and she does not know exactly what to expect...

you might say you will be basically the same person... like a male/female twin, with the same sense of humour, the same taste in food etc.

And you might assure them that the process takes some time... so they will be able to adjust.

There are many exciting new things to explore and things which can be done together... shopping trips etc...


hugs

[Paige]

Hi Muppet4-H,

It's really quite remarkable how being gay is so acceptable now.  Knowing how badly gay people were treated in the past, I really think this gives hope to the transgender community.  You might want to point this out to your mother.  I'm sure she'll remember a time when having a gay son was viewed quite differently.

With that said, I think you really need to point out to her that you will still be the same person.  The only thing that changes is that you will finally get to express your gender, but that's been there all along.

Take care,
Paige

[Emily E]

it will take time for your parents to fully understand what is happening as right now they are operating on what they know which may be very limited... to many people gender is related to sex and orientation so when you say I want to transition to a woman they are hearing I want to be a woman so I can have sex with men you will have to educate them so that they can understand.  in the mean time your parents are afraid of loosing you... this is a huge change no matter how you look at it and your parents will only see that you are changing and that the boy they raised and grew to love will no longer be around after you transition and in a why they are right but what you have to make them understand is that you are the same person regardless of the fact that you are now going to be a woman.  In a way they will be grieving the loss of a son before they start celebrating the birth of a daughter and it will be hard on you but there is no way around that.

Good Luck just remember that we are here for you to vent to and support you.

P.S.  Sorry I meant to add this before and somehow forgot to add it:  I have a little insight to having someone tell me something that I wasn't ready for and getting upset that I wasn't happier when they told me while not the same as what your going through it strikes the same cord...  several years back my wife worked in a city about 100 miles away from where we lived and she came one like every week or two to visit me well just before my birthday she came home and took me to a restaurant and during the meal the waiters came over with a cake and sang Happy Babyday"  and set the cake in front of me well I thought they were singing "Happy Birthday" (it was like 2 days before my birthday) and was a little confused when the cake said "Happy Babyday" on it the waiters left and my wife was all smiles and asked if I was happy to which I said yes but then I asked why the cake said "Babyday" on it (I still thought it was my birthday cake) she told me she was pregnant well to say the least I was shocked and not expecting it and she could see it in my face and instantly got mad that I wasn't happy and proceeded how it upset her, it took me a couple days to finally get through to her that it was just a shock and I just needed to fully grasp it and that I was happy but what it really took was me asking her how long it was after she found out she was pregnant before she felt good about it (she admitted she was scared at first but a couple days later she was happy about it).  I'm sure your parents are doing/going through the same thing

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Muppet

The nature of the interactions with your family which you've posed here appear to be overwhelmingly positive, so let us stay with this as the overriding thought.

I can fully understand your mother's concerns.  Gay is easy these days, but being trans places a much bigger burden on families in terms of adaptation and acceptance.  Both of these things take time.  I suspect that your family may be more intellectually accepting of you as a transgender person than they are emotionally accepting, and again, this is a process.  The thing is, you've lived this process, but they've just recently been thrust into it, with no point of reference or real suspicion.  It requires some degree of patience and empathy from you, and from them.

I can also understand why your family is not offering to help pay for your transition costs.  You appear to have been fairly well-adjusted, and not in any obvious and constant distress as a person, so, again, from your mother's perspective, it's not as if fixing your gender will cure you of a life of emotional torture.  And taking this into account, it is probably very hard for a parent under such circumstances to want to play an active part in changing you into someone who they think will be a totally different person, and not necessarily a happier or better adjusted one.

I am giving you this viewpoint because I think we transgender people frequently expect our families to just roll over and accept what we are saying.  A bit of skepticism is probably healthy, as it may make you focus on what you really want from your life and whether now is the time to try achieve it.  For example, I deferred the decision for 20 years, and made sure that those intervening years were well spent.

My key messages to you are to keep patient and remain consistent.  Now that you've dropped your bombshell, make a complete plan for what you want to do next.  Analyse the costs, time, risk etc.  Do this for your whole life, not just for the transition part, and produce a plan that identifies the risks and proposes ways to mitigate them.

You're doing the right things so far, in my opinion. 

Regards
Julia