Just a post or rant of sorts.

[naomi599]

Hey everyone! Its been a while since I've been active in the forums but since I'm a qualified lurker(IDK if that's a real title lol), I'm still around. As time moves forward I sit here watching all the wonderful people moving into their new lives. Due to the terms my wife and I have, I will never see full time if I want the relationship to last. I can honestly say that I'm trying to make it last because I do want to be with that wonderful woman. This always leads a a dilemma in which I feel life is being robbed from me due to a dichotomy of sorts, or such as opportunities gained but others lost. In the end it seems a great deal of strife is ahead of me but I'm afraid to tackle either of the choices. Don't go full time and keep her, go full time and loose her. The loss for both choices are as equally painful for me. For now I sit here and wait and hope I keep my sanity. I see others becoming the women they have always been and gain the strength to do so in the process. I respect that a lot and only wish and pray that I could follow suit but my prayers have one more line inserted, that my wife could find the strength and stay with me. I honestly sympathize with her for not being able to handle me going full time and therefore I offered to present male whenever I'm around her and at work. I hope one day I will be complete instead of torn in two. I know what I'm posting is a rant but I just want to be heard. I also wanted to say that I look up to each and every one of you that garnered the strength to do away with your chains and live life proud. One day, a year from now or 20 years from now I will hopefully have the strength to push forward and go full time. For now I will eventually get back on hrt and wait.

[suzifrommd]

Hugs, dear. I would venture to say that your choice requires much more strength than mine.

[Devlyn]

I dub thee a Qualified Lurker Who Says Ni. 

You're not ranting, you're working out a solution. Things get stuck, people change. It sounds like you have plenty of strength, perhaps enough that your wife will be able to draw strength from you at some point. Keep your chin up and hope for the best!

Hugs, Devlyn

[sam1234]

Sorry you are in such a tough spot. Its a hard choice for your wife as well as you. When there is a transition during a marriage, the spouse has to make the decision of living in a lesbian relationship or deciding that she can't deal with a relationship like that.

It would be a lot easier if your marriage was not a good one, or your spouse could decide on middle ground. Its extremely difficult to live two lives, one as a man and one as a woman. Even if you just go part-time, sooner or later your wife will decide that the person inside is more important than your anatomy, or there will start to be problems.

I feel for you. On the other side, it will put you in the position of a lesbian relationship as well. I wish you well. Consider counselling if you want to try and work this out.

sam1234

[naomi599]

Thank you all for the encouragement. I have been seeing a gender therapist north of Atlanta and she has been trying to help me out with direction. Living a dual life has already proved to be a bit more complicated than I hoped but I'm willing to do anything to be closer to who I really am. I guess the wait is the hard part for me.

[GendrKweer]

It sounds as though you might be asking for permission to do what you already might know to be necessary. Someone who doesn't care for you as you truly are cannot be defined as a "wonderful" partner. I know from experience it is very hard, but we all only get one life. If we were unfortunate enough to be born into the wrong bodies, and yet fortunate enough to live in a time when we can correct that, then if you choose not to follow what you believe is right, that choice might haunt you. Resentment will follow. Therapy definitely sounds like a good plan. But being true to yourself is the best one.

[katrinaw]

I do feel for you Naomi its like being able to touch and feel it but getting your hand smacked each time you reach forward... I admire your strength... Hugs

I am really hoping that I do not end up in that position (still have not come out yet, but will as soon as I am back in employment) but I have setup our financial situation so that if I have to move out I can...

L Katy 

[LeaP]

Don't confuse desperation and strength.

There really is only one question, and that is whether you will be able to sustain the current situation. Unfortunately, there is no way to answer that. 

Having had those feelings myself, I can say that sometimes things work out differently than you can predict.  I struggled for a long time with feeling terribly constrained and it was coming out in destructive ways that don't need to be detailed here.  But I am transitioning, my wife knows that now with certainty, and we are still together. Moreover, it took a very long time to start to get past the feelings of loss and betrayal to some measure of concern.  (Not that there isn't still plenty of the first two ...)  I don't believe in marriage martyrdom and I certainly don't believe in suffering for suffering sake, but were I able to look forward at that time to that happening, it would have given me more strength to bear the pain.   

Much of what you do has to be based in an assessment of not just your relationship and it's basis, but a pretty sensitive reading of your wife's psyche as well.