Hi Ashbear,
I'm sorry to hear about your parental issues. I've been dealing with a non-accepting mother, as well. Perhaps your own mother is having such a difficult time understanding and processing your revelation that she is vacillating between days or even just moments of acceptance and rejection. This kind of see-sawing is relatively common; after all, while I wish our parents could be better informed and more empathetic towards difference, many parents who react badly have no prior knowledge or experience of trans* issues and alternate between trying to be supportive and worrying about our safety, their safety, what public perception of us will be, whether or not their own poor parenting was to blame, etc. So, long story short, I hope your mother comes around eventually. Sometimes, though, it takes time.
Have you tried letting her know how you feel when she says those transphobic things--and, from there, why speech and language choice matter a great deal for us in particular, as mis-gendering is a kind of violence cis-gender individuals rarely have to contend with? Have you showed her any news stories or science pieces or documentaries about transgender people? I'm not sure what might work with her, but sometimes showing a parent that we exist in the wider world through some form of positive media coverage can help.
Hope everything works out for you! Keep being yourself. That's what matters most.
