Hello, I'm 17 and I've been binge-researching transgender information since late november, but I've never questioned my gender before that. I'm afab, and I consider myself an androgyne. The thing is, through all my searching, I have not seen stories that reflect me, and I'm not sure what to make of it.
First, background. I was extremely feminine as a little kid, and in 8th grade is when I just stopped trying so hard to fit in- I had been awkward, I moved to a new school in the middle of 7th grade, and people actually liked me but I was so afraid to say anything out of the ordinary. It was awful. Anyway, by 9th grade I worked out that I was bisexual and simultaneously started expressing myself with far less restriction. I was androgynous, but I never thought of that as my gender, just something I liked.
With that said, when I was 12ish, I remember seeing this one documentary thing about opera singers being castrated to keep their voices high. I remember searching if I could just have my genitals removed, and obviously the only thing remotely close is extremely illegal. I wasn't heartbroken, just a bit disappointed. I don't really care anymore. But back then, I still didn't want to hit puberty- I thought developing sexually would take my mind away, in a sense, that I would be less of a person. I read something of a lady who was anorexic for so long that even though she is recovered now, she never hit puberty and so for a while I had planned to starve myself for that purpose. However, my routine at that point was coming home from school to eat chips in front of the computer. I think I managed 3 days at 500 calories, and on and off efforts since then- clearly I did not sidestep puberty.
I know of only one consistent thing that I'm dysphoric about, and that would be "my" uterus. I hate it. The concept of pregnancy makes me want to scrape my skin off and I hate people talking about me as if I could do that. No. I'm going to be 100% honest, if I even got pregnant and couldn't get an abortion, I'd kill myself, no questions asked. My body would stop being mine. It's not about kids- they're cute and I don't want to adopt because I want a career, and when I get depressed even people become obligations and I don't want to put them in that position. I may change my mind about adoption, but that will NOT change how I feel about my body. Pregnancy is SIMPLY NOT SOMETHING I DO.
There are on and off/ small things, such as my chest. I am a C cup, but I don't hate them... honestly I think if they were A cups, that would be best, so I could bind if I needed, but not freak out over a flat chest if I felt otherwise (it's on and off). I wish I was more angular, especially that I had wider shoulders, but over the last 3 years I've lost about 20 pounds (more if you account that I gained muscle) and that has helped immensely. Both of those things are aesthetic in my opinion, but still worth mentioning.
I've never mentioned the majority of this to anyone. Should I look differently at myself?
