Transexuals and lesbians

[jeanniegirl]

Hello, how easy is it mtf's  to mingle with lesbians. I love women.
Can anyone give me their experience. Seriously considering mtf transition.

Hugs,
Jeanniegirl

[suzifrommd]

Lesbians have been very kind and welcoming to me. However I have yet to have one physically attracted to me. They seem not terribly interested in romance with trans women.

I wouldn't use that as a criteria for whether I'd transition. For me, it's so wonderful being who I am that my dating woes have been worth it.

[jeanniegirl]

Thanks so much
Hugs,
Jeanniegirl

[kelly_aus]

Most of my friends are lesbians, so I'd say I'm able to mingle pretty well. However, like Suzi said, I wouldn't use it as a reason to transition. I do also know other trans women who are not able to mingle well with lesbians as, in the words of other lesbians, 'They are trying too hard.' and 'If she was any more of a stereotype it would be ridiculous.' So it does seem to depend on the individual.

[Ms Grace]

I'd agree with the above - the only transitioned trans women who I know (and I know several) who are in a relationship  with a woman have carried through the relationship they had previously (presumably their partner is more bi than lesbian). That's not to say a trans woman wouldn't get into a relationship with a cis lesbian, anything's possible.

[Ever]

Honestly, I feel like I get hit on the most by queer and gay cis women.  I had previously heard that cis lesbians can be one of the most hostile groups against trans lesbians (especially against pre-operative ones), but in my own experience it really doesn't seem this way.  Perhaps it's partly because I really emphasize first forming an emotional and intellectual connection. 

In fact, ironically, the group I've experienced some of the most excluding behavior from is other trans lesbians, sadly.  It seems like a certain insecurity makes trans lesbians only want to be with cis lesbians, as if that would somehow help affirm that they are genuine lesbians.  I think it's a bit hypocritical of such trans women, and I don't relate as I'd be happy to be with any woman (cis or trans) that would have the right emotional and intellectual connection with me.

[suzifrommd]

I had previously heard that cis lesbians can be one of the most hostile groups against trans lesbians (especially against pre-operative ones), but in my own experience it really doesn't seem this way.

I wonder if it's a generational thing. The younger lesbians seem very accepting of me but those my age (I'm 53) are mostly standoffish and distant.

The feminist movement has only just begun to accept us as women. In my generation, feminists were suspicious of us because we were seen as invalidating them. There was wide buy-in to the claim that all gender differences were socialized and there was no such thing as being wired as a female, so a MAAB who claimed to be a woman was viewed negatively. Things have changed a lot in the last decade but change come slowly. It's not as simple as just saying "Oops we were wrong. You can go ahead and treat those trans people the way you treat any woman."

[Ever]

that actually makes a lot of sense, with regard to cis lesbians, as it seems that now that they are widely accepted in places like California, the new generation is now perhaps not feeling threatened into such defensive distance but is instead helping continue the building of tolerance to including trans lesbians among themselves

[amber roskamp]

Lesbians have been very friendly towards me. And that includes being friend zoned by them. Like many say that they are open to dating a trans women. And we will talk and flirt then I'll ask them out and they stop talking to me.

[Squircle]

I've been asked out by a few lesbians, but they didn't know I was trans and one of them just stopped talking to me when I told her. Another wanted a poly relationship with me which I wasn't comfortable with.

Its certainly not a reason to transition though, being trans in general cuts down your dating options, and trans lesbian even more so. I feel like I have to keep an open mind to dating a man just to have some chance of having a relationship, but you never know.

[HexenPixi]

Hello, how easy is it mtf's  to mingle with lesbians. I love women.
Can anyone give me their experience. Seriously considering mtf transition.

Hugs,
Jeanniegirl

I don't know if my answer helps, as I don't really hang out in 'normal' queer/lesbian spaces, but more so, alternative communities/goth clubs/punk shows etc. But! My primary partner is a cis lesbian, and I've gotten along fine with other cis lesbians, without any 'weirdness,' at least for the most part.

As far as my experience with dating, the cis lesbian or queer women I've met have been open minded about different gender identities and body types, and are attracted to the feminine vibes/personalities as opposed to the 'parts.' Best of wishes on your transition!

[Shawn Sunshine]

I have had the experience so far of bisexual women liking me for my two sides as it were. But then I have also been hit on by FTM and gay males and also 1 lesbian and 1 other genderqueer person. But I always try to get an an emotional and mental (and sometimes spiritual) vibe with a person first anyways. I am not dating now but I do want to eventually.

I wonder though if bisexual women who want to date a transwoman (or even transman) are doing this for curiosity or because they feel they get the best of both worlds perhaps?

[iKate]

Apart from my cousin I don't think I really know any cis lesbians that well.

Generally I've heard of TERFs in the lesbian community and accepting lesbians who will date a woman of transgender experience.

[katiej]

It seems that the LGB's in general have a difficult time with us T's.  And as Suzi was saying, older lesbians tend to really not like us.  They view us as men trying to infringe on their genuine female experience.  TERF's are a frustrating group for a lot of reasons.

But I certainly wouldn't use wanting to be a lesbian as a reason to transition.  I recommend seeing a gender therapist to help get some things sorted out.

[Shawn Sunshine]

Yeah I tried to get into a support group for gambling (it was an all womens group of mostly older ladies) and they made me wait while they voted on whether i could come in. They voted no and said something to the effect of if we let you in then it would mean that men (not saying your a man) would come in or think they could come in and that we would no longer have an all women's GA group anymore. I really wasant offended until about 15 minutes when i thought about it. Guess it took time for it to sink in. Shows that women in general can be exclusive (the older women more)

The two women that came out to talk to me while the group was in session where a lesbian couple. They said it wasant personal though that they voted for me. So it is hard to say.

[Sydney_NYC]

Most of my friends are lesbians and many of them knew me prior to transitioning. I was even called an honorary lesbian prior to transitioning. (This is in the NY and Boston area.) Not one of them was surprised when I transitioned and many of them were like: "It's about time!" when I came out. Even those that didn't know me prior were still friendly when I told them or it came out. I haven't dated in the lesbian scene since I'm married to a pansexual woman. Being in the local BDSM scene and played at a lot of women and trans only spaces, most I know are very open to transgender women. Even with the vanilla lesbian cis-woman I've had a similar experience.

However I have witnessed another trans woman that was not be accepted very well. She was every wrong stereotype in the book (dressing to young, etc). But I think it was more that she wasn't very friendly than anything else.

[Miharu Barbie]

I've never really thought too much about it.  I've been in 3 serious relationships since I transitioned in 1998.  First I spent 5 years with another trans woman (she died of cancer.)  I then had a 2 year relationship with a life-long cis-gender lesbian woman who loved and accepted me for my kind heart and submissive nature.  (She was 48 and I was 39 when we met.)  When she began pressuring me to marry her, I realized that I couldn't spend the rest of my life with her.  It ended badly.

My current spouse and I met in 2007 (she was 53 and I was 42 when we met); she is also a cis-gender woman who came out as lesbian after her husband left her in 1993.  She completely and unequivocally loves and accepts me for exactly who I am.  We met in August 2007 and married in March 2008.  We are still crazy in love.

I've always understood that being a trans woman dramatically diminishes the potential dating pool available to me.  The truth is, from my way of thinking, I only need to find 1 person to love me.  I don't care what the community of lesbians or men or bisexuals believe about the community of trans women; I've only ever really concerned myself with finding that 1 person who is ready and willing to love me and be loved by me.  This approach has worked for me.

This is only 1 woman's experience.  I hope that you find some small comfort in my story.

[Jenna Marie]

I've spent quite a bit of time in the "lesbian capital of the country," and have not had any problems with acceptance (or lesbians occasionally flirting with me), but I suspect the generation gap theory may be true - this was in an area with a number of women's colleges and my experience was mostly with lesbians and bi women under age 40.

The Boston Dyke March also enthusiastically and explicitly welcomes trans women, for what that's worth.

[Dee Marshall]

Miharu, your attitude is stellar! You're absolutely right, if you find the right person (or persons if you're poly) who cares how few there are?