barely coping with dysphoria (tw)

[Tyler]

[TW]

I don't know what to do. While my friends try to be supportive, and I really love them for trying, they don't understand dysphoria. I'm gonna rant, sorry...

I feel crippled. I feel such intense anxiety in social situations and my birth name can trigger me for hours. I don't look at myself when I change, and if I do I basically start crying. I had to wear a bra a little while ago because my binder was dirty and I felt like I was going to hurl. Honestly, all I wanna do it go on T, and soon. Get this, though: I go to an all girls school. It took me over three years to make actual friends at this school based on my anxiety, and I have started finally feel comfortable here. I would stay here, if only me coming out as trans was a choice I could make. But then I would have to leave, and would be once again cripplingly anxious and Testosterone wouldn't even be an option bc my parents think I'm going through a phase.

Long story short: my dysphoria isn't bearable. I need T but I can't have it. I can't openly transition with my chosen name or pronouns. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for the rant and all the feeling sorry for myself.

[transparentgingersnap]

If nothing else, you could ask to go to an online school or homeschool.  From what I gather, you already told your parents, but they aren't taking you seriously?  Until they do, I think it's worth the effort to see what raises testosterone naturally.  I know zinc and magnesium do.  For your name, maybe try asking to be called the first letter of your chosen name.  Hope this helps, and best of luck to you.

[sam1234]

Tyler,
since more people are now aware of what a transgender is, there are more and more young people like yourselves that are aware. That's both good and bad. Before it was so public, often people were well into adulthood before they realized why they felt like they never fit in. Now, it is more public which means teens and even pre-teens know what is wrong but are powerless to change it.

Teens do go through phases, that may be why you parents would think that is what you are feeling, and it may take someone with authority to get through to them. If you have a decent relationship with your guidance counselor, see if they can find you a therapist to go to who deals with transgenders. Once it is established that you are a transgender and not just "going through a phase", have your parents either go with you to a session or have them go alone. That way it is not just your word against theirs. The therapist has no stake in whether or not you are a transgender, and is therefore going to be straight with your parents.

sam1234

[adrian]

Tyler, I'm so sorry you're going through this! I know this depends a lot on where you are, but have you explored ways of staying in this school even on t? It may be possible as long as you don't legally change your gender, for example.

[FriendsCallMeChris]

Hey Tyler,
I totally understand. I went to an all girls Catholic Highs School for 3 out of 4 years. I never fit in either, but didn't understand why until much later when I finally realized I'm a transguy.

However, I did find a way to get a little relief. While I was a loner, I was also pretty non-femme/butch.  I"m not lesbian.  I like guys (which made the whole all-girls school thing even lonelier, as there was a strong underground lesbian contingent there, but I wasn't part of it.)---which also meant I pretended femme some times so I could date.  I guess I'm just now realizing that I did a lot of back an forth on the masculine/feminine scale trying to make myself socially fit, although I never did.  I wish I had known myself enough and been aware enough to be okay with myself.  I'm really glad you know who you are.   
   
So maybe if you work on coming off as a masculine girl, with emphasis on masculine and just putting up with the girl part because you have to, maybe that will help some. Also, I stayed as invisible as possible. I did my work, didn't get into trouble and didn't make a lot of waves even though I wanted to.

Good luck!  High school is tough, even for people who aren't trans*. Just keep breathing through it.   We need strong transguys like you in the world!

[suzifrommd]

It may be that your parents need to be educated. Once parents understand the basics of being transgender, they can be powerful allies. They need to know:
* This isn't something you chose. You were born this way.
* It doesn't usually go away on its own.
* Dysphoria is crushing. It's not normal unhappiness. It can lead to depression and anxiety if ignored.

Repeat these often if necessary.

Are there adults at your school you can talk to who will support you? Counselors? LGBT teachers? If not, is there a PFLAG near you?

Hang tough, Tyler. There IS help available. And we're always here to listen.

[KellBelle14]

Omg omg Tyler I'm going through the same thing only needing E but I can't get it please hang in there if you play minecraft I'll play with you !  btw I cannot get E for 4-5 years parents think it's a phase .

[KellBelle14]

I hope your doing better hun. Hugs

[Dena]

I am at a loss as to what type of help you need but you do need help. As you are underage I suspect hormones will be out of the picture for a while. A question you have to answer is do you want to remain in your current school. If not, then the approach would be work on a way to get you therapy. Therapy might help ease your mind but it will upset your life.
If you wish to remain in your current school, to decide which things make you the most uncomfortable and address them the best you can. One thing that helps a little is keeping busy. The worst time is the time when you are alone and have time for your mind to wander. If you have friends, spend as much time with them as possible.

I am sorry I don't have better advice for you but your options are limited.

Please take care of yourself and let us know if we can help.