Late Realizers, Was there a Hidden Girl?

[rachel89]

"I can't say that I was ever aware of a "hidden girl," but I was always aware that I wasn't like the other boys.  It was more like I was the wrong species, or had the wrong smell, or something.  Even if I wanted to imagine that I had things in common with them, the other boys and the adults in my life made sure I knew that there was something wrong with me, though they could never explain what exactly.  I was often called a sissy or queer, neither of which made sense to me.  I did know they were intended to hurt and ostracize me, though."

I totally get this, especially the wrong species thing. That pretty much sums up my experiences in school, although I got less crap from adults than my peers. I mostly dealt with it by being a class clown. College was a huge relief from the bullying,even though I wish I understood the whole trans thing a lot earlier.

[londonswaves]

For me personaly.. I have always sorta explored sexuality, been very flexible. I actually found out about my gender as soon as I was introduced to the concept, I was so busy with sexual orientation that I hadn't even thought of gender.
Looking back, a lot things make sense. Like I'd always use androgynous and feminine nicknames, always say I'm a girl although I did not identify as one, I've never been too much into feminine stuff, I still am not. I used to think I was gender queer, because I was a bit in denial about being transsexual, probably because transitioning fully would require having to go through a lot and having to explain why I've changed sex and such for so many people.

[Shawn Sunshine]

My hidden girl didnt blossom until age 27. I thought I was just a young man who cross dressed occasionally until then. My mind had a paradigm shift. Honestly and truthfully the little girl awoke in me then. I am 43 now.

[Jacqueline]

Wow,

Thanks for all the responses. This has been a pretty great thread and sharing of experiences.

I am still trying to find the girl. I think she is hidden but maybe not as deeply as I thought. I just found evidence of these questioning thoughts from 3 different times over the last 25 years. My therapist suggested I have been working through this for a long time.

If I find her, hiding, I hope to embrace, reassure and apologize to her. I want her to take over more of my life.

Thanks again,

Joanna

[CarlyMcx]

Late realizer for sure never had much of a clue growing up save a few instances to present day. When I was in early grade school I was picked on never sure why maybe just the little kid that didn't fight back. Due to bullying I did find real fear of not showing my emotions for fear of being beaten up. Then around the age of 13 I had a realization of I could be happy only if I grew big and strong to avoid being bullied. Well that worked kind of but my other choice was to think if I stay a runt and oddly looking at my skinny legs I thought hmm they look like girl legs. 

I can totally relate to that.  Up until late in the ninth grade, I was four foot ten, and all of ninety pounds.  Part of me wanted to be big and tough enough not to be bullied, and part of me wanted to be the little surfer girl in the Beach Boys song.