After over two long, mostly miserable years of attempting to live a "normal" life with my ex fiance, I am finally in a state of peace. My ex and I were together for over five years. We traveled the country and lived out of our backpacks for a good bit of that time, and we had each other's backs. But he never understood my being trans, never even tried, not until those last few weeks, when he suddenly became an ally and supported my transition, after years of ignoring, demeaning and shaming my identity. It was a cold trick, but it didn't do any good. A brief glance at my forum posts will shed some light on the nature of my ex and his callousness and lies regarding sexuality and gender identity. He had shown me already that he did not support me, did not believe in my identity.
But now, I am free.
I don't want to come across as though my well being and mental health is hinged upon my relationships with others, but in a way, that's the reality of my life. I am not good by myself, alone, with no companion. I get restless. There are way too many thoughts inside this head of mine for that solitary stuff.
So yeah, I did go straight out of one long term relationship and into a new one.
What can I say? Love is love (as my lover likes to say). It just happened to turn out this way.
The relationship I have now is unlike anything I've ever had before. My new boy accepts me completely as the genderqueer, trans, dominant, crazy, weird, spaced out giy that I am. This boy is straight out of my dreams, so compatible, looks and personality, all the shared interests, and he loves me, loves me for me, not just for my body, but for my soul.
Five months ago I would have never believed I could be this happy. I would have laughed right in your face if you had told me I would be perhaps the happiest I've ever been in my life at this moment. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope even for me. A social drop out, a face tattooed nihilistic gutterpunk street kid burn out, and a bright spirit. I can see that light burning bright, and I just gotta pace myself, so I don't fall down trying to run to it.
My future does not rest in a broken marriage, a hopeless relationship, a stagnating mind, or a hated body. My future rests in my own hands, and I will mold it to be everything I want, whatever I want.
Here's the secret: we are all the masters of our own desinty. I guarantee magnatism and thought craft magik work, because they have worked for me. I have only ever dreamed of this authenticity, living a life I really enjoy with this incredible beautiful twinky queer crusty punk twin spirit of mine. Almost two months, only two months, but everything is different now. My ex is gone. My boy is here. Everything is different. This is a time of great change, indeed.
My dreams are becoming my reality.
We are still in the closet to most of our families, but we are slowly coming out to our friends, and it's so much easier to venture out of the visage of safety that the closet brings with a hand to hold. It's so much easier to have that courage with someone standing beside you. I'm presenting as male almost all the time now, and I am hoping I'll be able to start T soon, but just simply being accepted as Me by my significant other, it feels so right, makes me so happy.
There is hope, for all of us. I was in the lowest pits of depression. I had suicidal ideation. I did not want to exist in this body anymore. There was no point in living. I would never be the man I saw when I closed my eyes, that guy was only in my head. But he doesn't have to be. He can be real. He can breathe deeply beneath the binder, he can venture into the world and shine. He is real. He always has been. It's up to me to let him free, and stop with all these masks.
I don't know how I would have made it through without the support of these forums. And I need you all now more than ever! My transition will now truly begin. I am going to become the person I have always been inside. My job, my grandma, my friends, they will either adapt, or I will adapt around them. I'll take whatever comes my way and handle it, because that's what we do, warrior spirits, butterfly spirits, shapeshifters, always adapting.
