Think I am loosing my best friend. Not sure I can cope.

[JenniferGreen]

So I came out to my best Male friend over a week ago before we went to Germany for his stag do.  He seemed ok with it with the obvious shock that is normal.  Then last night he invited me out for a drink and told me he felt lied to and that my timing was awful, he went on about that one quite a lot.  He said he was considering removing me as best man for the wedding and that he had a replacement lined up. He also said that he did not know if we would remain friends if I transitioned. He had been finding me online as Jennifer and said I looked happy.  He said he was tired of me being depressed and having to watch out for me.  He also said that I was a bit 'funny' with the others on the stag do and that he though that I was on HRT. He was angry and I just though that this is it 20 years of really close friendship over or at least severely damaged.  He also said that he was wanting to out me to everyone he new and did not understand why I was doing it slowly. (Ironically it's because of reactions like this that I am taking it slowly) I feel so depressed as I don't know if I can live with the feeling that I have hurt him or ruined our relationship. His family are like my family and this could be one of the worst loss in my life. I am not sure I can do this if I am going to lose all my friends. If that happens I can't go on at all.  I feel I have really screwed my life up.

Jen.

[Mariah]

There area a lot unknowns when it comes to our transitions. One those is are we are going to lose all are friends and family. I can't say that there isn't a chance you will and that is something we all have to keep in mind. However, do understand some peoples reactions can change. In some ways your friendship with them from scratch and where that goes who knows. Only can decide if you can transition considering the possible losses or not. For me it was an easy decision, but for many like yourself it's not. Good luck and Hugs.
Mariah

[Abby Claire]

A lot of people react harshly because they care so much about you that they fear you are killing off the person you are. It really just takes time for them to notice you will always be the person you are on the inside.

When I came out my best friend (who was male) was extremely supportive and even went to group with me a couple times. Over time we grew distant and now we never really talk. The truth about male friends is that you're very likely to lose them as you transition because you stop sharing so much in common. I now have new friends who I share more in common with. With transitioning you have to be able to accept that when you move forward and gain something that you're going to lose something. Don't feel bad though. That's just the way life is.

[JenniferGreen]

Thanks Mariah.  I am not sure where this is going to go.  It was all going so well.  I think I need some advice but just never thought it would come to this.  Maybe he will come round a bit. Maybe I can live without them in my life. To be quite frank I think that this has made me think that I need to be more prepared for some losses. It makes sense that not everyone is going to be ok with it.  It's a shock when it's your best mate though. i feel so bad about it. Maybe it's time to make some more new friends . Jxx

[Ms Grace]

Unfortunately many people find it hard to come to terms with the news that someone they know and are close to might be changing their gender. It's almost too much for them to comprehend. We have lived with the knowledge of being trans for many years and yet the moment we come out to them is the first they know of it. They don't know what it will ultimately mean for you, for them, for your relationship or friendship. What is a life affirming decision for us can seem like a death of someone they know to them. For guys it can be particularly hard when it comes to close male friends, I don't know why but it probably has to do with male bonding. I really hope he calms down, that he doesn't out you to other people as that would be disrespectful and a betrayal. Hopefully with time he can move through his denial and anger and be able to forge a friendship with the real you.

[JenniferGreen]

To be honest just in Reading what you have all pointed out I have decided that I can do this.  I just need to let loss happen and realise that it's out of my control. I am walking this road for myself and if people can't or don't want to come along that's sad but just how it goes. It's the blokes I am most scared of because a lot of time is spent being macho to a certain extent. There are much stricter social controls for blokes with gender and I suppose I have just had a personal taste of that. I am very sad but you have all spoke a lot of truth. I am going to go and see a girl friend who supports me and have a good cry. I have to learn to ask for help and this site is great for that.  Thank you. Jx

[katrinaw]

Hi Jennifer.... I am not sure if this helps or confuses... I hope the former

I have not been in that position yet, but i will be very soon and it wont really stop me... I'll explain...

I have battled with myself over my entire married life (40 odd years) trying to protect my family and gradually spiralling down a hole myself. GID will keep driving us further and further into an abyss or transition. We can postpone, control it, but.....

The other thing, in life, people will change, situations change, things beyond our control will change, so nothing is set, nothing can control whether its forever or not...

I had a really bad time this evening out with close friends, pretending all was good but sinking... I'm ok now... But these events are becoming more frequent, i look at all my/our friends and pray that nothing will change, but it will....

So what I am trying to say is, that maybe a lifelong bond was never to be, maybe the split is just a moment in time, sooner or later we have to answer to our selves.... Be honest to yourself, true friends or bonds may be repaired, but break yourself, you can't repair that...

Hope i'm not being blunt, but I hit the biggest realisation point in my life, to date, tonight.

Your post made me reflect and respond... As many have said already


hugs

L Katy

[JenniferGreen]

Thanks Katy. That does help. I am having that same realisation myself. I don't know if my friend get through this but hope so. I am very sad now I have worked this out. I hoped it would all stay the same. What an idiot I was. You are right though about the dysphoria. It will not sort itself out without coming out and having Jennifer able to be herself.   On a positive, even though he was upset with me, my friend did say that he just wanted to see me happy again.  That's what I want too so at least we still agree on something.  Hugs back at you! Jx


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