Err, ello there everyone, name is Nicky and this is kinda both a introduction and my first official coming out. So I really don't know where to start with all of this >.<! I know this is probably standard measure for many people who start out like this, but I just have so many questions and uncertainties. I'll try to keep it short. So, as a child I def had splashes of being a typical boy and dipping into more feminine side of things, where I knew I liked different things than other boys/girls. Now, this really didn't transfer into knowing I was different, nor that I felt wrong, which didn't really occur to an extreme degree (though kinda cropped up in middle school). At a young age I'd pretend to be my favorite female characters from TV shows (most notably and often I pretended to be Calisto from Xena:Warrior Princess). I made out with a few boys when I was younger, which was mostly play stuff but I liked it, which set the pieces to my much later coming out as Gay. I also had a habit of occasionally wearing my sister's bras that she'd leave in the bathroom (so embarrassing!) which def felt comfortable and "right".
During High School I came out as Bisexual to my close friends but straight to the rest of the world and even had internal fights about who I am. I naturally felt confused, excited and to a degree afraid/disgusted of what I was doing/thinking. A bit TMI, but I'd constantly search for gay porn and was way more turned on to the thought of having sex with a guy VS a female, though I had a few fling relationships which I genuinely had some affection for and enjoyed the intimacy (which I never really had before) though ultimately I broke up with them because it wasn't who I was. It wasn't till a few years after High School that I came out as a Gay and had my first relationship with a guy. I quickly came to realize over the years that I was a natural bottom/submissive and enjoyed taking the more feminine roles and such. Well skipping ahead up to now, I randomly looked up Transgendered videos and information about the process associated with transitioning and I suddenly had a light bulb start to flicker and shine.
I don't think I was ever meant to be a boy, nor do I think I was to be a girl either. I dunno if this falls under the category or being Genderqueer/confused or what ( I kinda hate labels personally) and for a long time I've wanted to be far more feminine than I am as is. So with that, I'm coming to terms with myself and my "female side" of my body/personality and I think that I would be far happier transitioning enough to where I strike that balance with myself. I just have too many eternal questions and that feeling of standing at the edge of an abyss and getting ready to take the plunge.
