I care too much about what other people think

[Fids]

I can't be the only one who is afraid of transitioning due to the way it will affect the lives of my family. I don't want to break their hearts, I don't want to hurt them, I don't want them to think they've lost me. It's not even about whatever ridicule I might get at this point, it's about the way I'll make them feel if I decide to transition.

I'd really like to start on T after getting a therapist, but the changes I really want (the voice change) is something that would be all too noticeable. My voice right now is super squeaky and high-pitched, and unless I learn how to talk better I'm never going to pass as soon as I open my mouth.

I really don't want to continue living as a girl, but I don't want them to lose sleep over what I'm doing. And at this point I already know they think that Trans people have "mental problems" and are "delusional" and that your gender is only determined by chromosomes.  They've tried to be understanding before. Bought me books about trans people and stuff, but..

I just don't know how they feel and I don't think I could take it if I hurt them anymore.

Any help would be appreciate, thanks!

[Contravene]

It may hurt them at first but it will only be temporary. If you transition your family will go through their own grieving process as they mourn the "old you" or their idea of you before they reach the acceptance stage.

[AndrewB]

Agreed, it's painful to watch them talk about grieving, especially when you just want to break them free and... well, personally for me, it was hard not shouting about how 'I'm right here' and that they 'haven't lost anyone' but it is what it is. If they're trying, they'll keep trying, they're not just going to give up because it gets too difficult. They've already made it this far, and trust me... sometimes it takes months. My dad for the longest time would try using the correct name and pronouns around my mom but wouldn't say it to me, for 2 months or so. Talk about frustrating.

If you want to transition, it's really not up for debate; if they want to see you happy, it's not going to come without fulfilling the part of you that you truly see yourself as.

PS: If you're looking for a therapist, my biggest recommendation is call around and ask the ones you're looking at if they follow WPATH. That can make all the difference between being patronised for a year until they think you've met their silly, unfounded requirements for acquiring T and actually getting on HRT when you're ready, mentally and emotionally, to make that decision. Best of luck!

[Fids]

Thank you so much for the advice!  I really hope to explain to them what's going on with me and that they don't need to feel like I'm going away or that I'm a different person.  I think they're aware that this has been something I've dealt with for awhile now, I just hope it's not too much of a blow that I'm actually considering transitioning at this point.

I did some research on therapists in my area who specialize in Gender Dysphoria, but I didn't know about WPATH. I'll definitely bring that up when I call around. Again, I really appreciate the advice!

[Julia-Madrid]

Hello Fids

As you know, taking T or E or whatever is a bit of a lottery, and you've no idea how much it may affect you and take you in your desired direction. 

But that is far less relevant than how you feel about yourself.  If you are sure that this is the path you need to take, then take this path and do not agonise over it.  I think I'm quite a bit older that you, and I can tell you that I never regret decisions I've taken, but I have frequently enough regretted decisions I've avoided taking.  If you know your mind, and feel with certainty that you wish to change gender, do it, so that you may enjoy a full life of it, compared to the half-life which I shall enjoy of it.

Yes, your family will be surprised and hurt, but these things frequently get better with time.  It's hard for them to visualise you as a person of the other gender, but when you start to play that role, and when it becomes who you are, then they will find it credible.  I think you also might find it good to convey to them how alien you feel in your current body - the sense of wrongness, which I am assuming you notice from the time you wake up.

It's my feeling that the key thing is to have a plan and a vision for your life and your transition, rather than just vocalise "I want to be a boy/girl" with no commentary.  Create a plan, discuss it with your therapist or a good friend, share it with your family, and stick to it.  I know it sounds geeky, but my therapists loved that I delivered them a roadmap of my plans, right down to approximate dates. 

These first few steps to get yourself on the road with your family are hard.  But persevere!

Edit:  WPATH is a very sensible set of guidelines - do download it and share it!

Good luck
Julia

[AnonyMs]

My situations' not the same, but a therapist once told me that by not transitioning I could be those around me more than I would if I did transition. Its not to say I wouldn't hurt them, but which one was worse? It's always stuck with me.

So, I assume you're causing people some kind of problems by wanting to transition, and that's possibly going to go on for decades. How does that weigh against a few years of transitioning and potential acceptance at the end of it?

[Ms Grace]

My philosophy is that we don't hurt people by deciding to transition, how they chose to respond and think about our transition is what hurts them. Essentially they hurt themselves more than we ever could. Yes, we are not the person "they knew" - and in te case of sexual partner not the same sex that they fell in love with - but we are still the same person and, if our transition is supported by them and we are allowed to become ourselves we are usually a much happier person to know and live with. If they choose to be happy for us then they will not be hurt, if they choose to resist, hate and deny then they will hurt themselves.

[Bimmer Guy]

Thank you so much for the advice!  I really hope to explain to them what's going on with me and that they don't need to feel like I'm going away or that I'm a different person.  I think they're aware that this has been something I've dealt with for awhile now, I just hope it's not too much of a blow that I'm actually considering transitioning at this point.

I did some research on therapists in my area who specialize in Gender Dysphoria, but I didn't know about WPATH. I'll definitely bring that up when I call around. Again, I really appreciate the advice!

http://www.wpath.org/

Look under "find a provider".  WPATH believes that people know their gender identity and that the person knows when they are ready to start HRT (or any kind of treatment).  They don't believe someone should have to do therapy, but believe that it could be helpful to have the support while you do transition.

It is nice to work with someone you don't have to explain everything to.  In my experience, therapists who really want to understand gender dysphoria make sure they are a part of this organization so they keep learning.

[Laura_7]

You could have a look here for a few resources that might help you:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,180045.msg1658077.html#msg1658077
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,188206.msg1673903.html#msg1673903


have a *hug*

[FTMax]

It's a hurdle we all have to get over at some point. It's just a matter of when.

I knew that I wanted to transition at 17 when I learned what being transgender was. I didn't start seeing a therapist or pursuing hormones until I was 25 because I was so afraid of what people would think of me. I wasn't miserable the entire span of that time, but I wasn't happy or living my life to the fullest either. I finally decided that I didn't care, and that I was willing to lose everything as long as it meant I could be myself. Haven't looked back since.

You only get one shot at life. Don't waste it being someone else to keep other people happy.

+1 to all the WPATH recommendations. If you live in a major metropolitan area, you could also look into informed consent if you have done your own research and think you're ready for hormones.

[Fids]

Thank you so much for your feedback, everyone.  I think at this point in my life I'm positive I need to do something - the more I think about it, the more I feel as though that transition would be right for me. My thoughts have gone to this more and more as of late; and initially while trying to pass without any intervention was helpful for some time to ease the dysphoria, my discontent is still growing.

The dysphoria is hanging over me like a constant cloud; everyday things are not as enjoyable for me knowing that I could be doing something to make my life better and allow me to live as the person I imagine.

This has been going on for 10 years now with different degrees of severity, so I'm positive at this point it's not going to go away; and although sometimes I've felt relatively fine about myself, there was never a time when I didn't think I'd be happier if I was living as the correct gender full time.

I began the first step today of contacting a therapist, and this will be the first time I've come out as trans to someone not in my immediate circle of friends, so it's a big step. I'm mostly excited, this is never a problem I've been able to work on with anyone other than myself, so talking to someone about it might be a refreshing step in the right direction.

It's gotten to the point where the topic of transitioning has become an obsessive thought; I think about it from the moment I get up to the time I go to bed, and I know that's super unhealthy; and even though I have only moderate depression, it's taking somewhat of a toll on me and I'd really like to work it out.

[Clever]

Hey Fids,

I identify with all you've had to say. The worry about disappointing my family was overwhelming, and some days I thought I would expire from the pain of it. I won't lie--this is a very very very hard part of the journey, and there's no easy way around it. But stay strong. Take each day as it comes. Talk to people who will understand (us!).

Deeply searching your soul about your transition is healthy I think. Eyes wide open.

We are here for you, friend. Feel free to message me if you like. I'm just a little bit ahead of you in this and maybe I can help.

[jumpthenexttrain]

You have to do what you need to do to be happy. If your family doesn't like it...too bad. It's your life, not theirs.

[Tysilio]

I began the first step today of contacting a therapist, and this will be the first time I've come out as trans to someone not in my immediate circle of friends, so it's a big step. I'm mostly excited, this is never a problem I've been able to work on with anyone other than myself, so talking to someone about it might be a refreshing step in the right direction.

Congratulations on taking that first step! It takes courage to do that. A good therapist is a wonderful ally in this process: someone who accepts you exactly as you are, doesn't judge, and is completely on your side. I think you'll be really glad you've decided to do this.

[Ayden]

Congrats on the first step.

I just wanted to say, your family might surprise you. Sometimes people are more open minded when someone they love is a part of a group they don't know much about. My mother was very pro-lgb but not so much the T until I told her about me. I was pretty surprised by how well she and her half of the family took the news. I made sure to be open and to let them know that I'm still the same person. I'm really not different at all, just happier and a little hairier. That can really help. Even my brothers have taken the whole thing in stride. The only thing I get now is the occasional "sis" in messages from them, but it's just because they are still having to readjust. They call me he, male pronouns, all that but the second they need advice I hear sis. They are making the adjustment though. It's most likely because I live so far away that it's taken time.

[Fids]

Thanks, everyone. Crossing my fingers that when my parents say they'll "love me no matter what," it applies to this situation as well. Finally made my first appointment with a gender therapist, I'm going tomorrow so I'm really hoping that I'll start being able to get things worked out. Talking to her on the phone, she was very kind and understanding and polite; asking me what my preferred name was, etc. Again, I think my parents have some suspicion already that I'm trans, but it's just such a difficult and uncomfortable topic to bring up.  I really appreciate all of the encouraging words from you guys!  I do realize that it's not really up to my parents to decide what I do, but I'm fairly close-ish with them (even though we drive each other crazy), so I'd really prefer that our relationship doesn't get totally ruined by whatever decision I decide to make. Cheers!

[King Malachite]

I can somewhat relate.  In 4 months from now, I will be flying on a plane to have top surgery done.  The deposit, the stay, and the airplane has been booked.  They have no clue.  I plan on telling them in two months. Keep in mind, I am still financially dependent on my mother, who wouldn't be supportive and I'm pre-transition.  I have little no clue where the future will lead once I tell her and the rest of my family, and I am extremely scared.  I feel your pain about the topic being uncomfortable to bring up such a difficult topic.  I know for me, I knew that now was the time, and if i waited any longer for others, then I'd regret it  I suspect the same might apply to you as well.  You may kick yourself in the face if you don't do what you need to do just to please them and life has passed you by. Here is my motto: Expect the worst.  That way, you can only be pleasantly surprised, but you deserve to be happy, just like your family does.  Congrats for taking the first step!