I'm still pretty conflicted

[Marceline]

Hey everyone,

I've had my first therapy appointment with a therapist who specializes in gender issues. I was honest and said "at times I feel very much like a girl, but at other times, I feel fine being a guy, what does this mean?" They said, and I think this rings true, that gender is not so black and white. It falls on a spectrum where we find ourselves moving around on a daily basis. What I think I'd be comfortable with, is being a woman, but also being allowed to be masculine. I find that when my thoughts drift to acting like a girl, or doing something that would be perceived as feminine, I feel guilt and shame. I assume this is because of the stigma against males in our society preventing them from expressing more feminine actions or feelings. This news is still in it's infancy in my mind but I wanted to know what you all think? Is gender something that is along a spectrum rather than a binary? What should I do as a very masculine person with a woman trapped inside, but at times being comfortable being a guy? Things couldn't be more confusing.

[Cindy]

Gender is very much a spectrum. Being non-binary is quite common, even among cis people. But feelings and identity can change as we follow our path.

[Marceline]

What I'd really like is to able to pass as a woman, but also express my masculine side as well. Look normal in jeans and a flannel and in a dress. I feel like this may be asking too much but I just want to feel like I have control over my body for once.

Another issue is my voice, It's very deep and resonating. I speak from my lungs and am used to feeling my chest vibrate as I talk. I've tried little exercises to try and change my voice and I've felt some results, but I'd rather have something that's a little less "I'm a dude," coming out of my mouth.

I just want my cake and eat it too don't I. Although I feel like I deserve a little bit of selfishness considering how much I've gone through the past four years.

[Mariah]

It's most definitely a spectrum, but one thing early on I had to come to terms with was activities and interests that are clearly masculine that many feel woman should be interested in or involved in. My putting that aside has been one of the things that has helped me move along in my transition so far. I haven't had anyone say anything about except my brother who I clearly point out that woman can be interest and do what ever they want. There nothing wrong with having your cake and eat it to. It's possible, but part of doing that is setting aside those gender stereotypes that we have grown up with because every woman is different. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

What I'd really like is to able to pass as a woman, but also express my masculine side as well. Look normal in jeans and a flannel and in a dress. I feel like this may be asking too much but I just want to feel like I have control over my body for once.

Another issue is my voice, It's very deep and resonating. I speak from my lungs and am used to feeling my chest vibrate as I talk. I've tried little exercises to try and change my voice and I've felt some results, but I'd rather have something that's a little less "I'm a dude," coming out of my mouth.

I just want my cake and eat it too don't I. Although I feel like I deserve a little bit of selfishness considering how much I've gone through the past four years.

[Cindy]

Sorry if this sounds trite. You have control of your body now. How we present is up to us.

No one can or should dictate how you feel. Are you seeking validation or questioning? Only you can decide.

Voice? I learned how to speak from my throat. It took time, I fail sometimes (I also don't care!) I'm me, I owe no one for that.

How to do it? Buy a voice recorder and practice. Same as everything in life, practice. To be honest you can have anything in life. You (we) need to desire it enough to want it rather than dream about it!